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“Smashing through the boundaries, lunacy has found me, Cannot stop the Battery!”

~ James Hetfield on Batteries

“Pounding out aggression, turns into obsession, Cannot kill the Battery!”

~ James Hetfield on Further reiterating on Batteries

“Cannot kill the family, battery is found in me!”

~ James Hetfield on Further reiterating on Batteries, actually written by some Scandinavian elf named Lars.

“Mmmmmm, batteries”

~ Some stoner on drinking battery acid for the high

A battery is an animal that stores electricity and batters people. Batteries are able to sense when they are required and suddenly run out. They originally just beat people up, but eventually started to store electricity to shock people and then beat people up. They are also incredibly dramatic. some things break and other runout...but batteries DIE.

Batteries now run on..... you guessed it, batteries

Rechargeable Batteries[edit]

Rechargeable batteries are a problem because unlike non-rechargeable batteries, which die after shocking someone and battering them up, they can teleport to their charging station to recharge to injure more people. Although they need supplies from a Refinery (Petrol) and Power Generator(Electricity), it is a menial thing compared to a innocent murder of a civilian. They can recharge in as little as 15-30 minutes. NiCD batteries is the most common subspecies of rechargeable batteries. However many other subspecies exist such as NiMH, dilithium ion, and rechargeable alkaline.


Voltage is a measurement of a battery's power. The higher a voltage, the more powerful a battering is. 1.5 volts barely hurts at all. Higher voltage batteries such as 9 volt batteries should be approached with caution. 12 volts is exceptionally painful, causing electrical burns and bruises. Large groups of batteries should be avoided at all costs. The highest known combined voltage is 250 volts which is extremely lethal and able to kill 4 humans simultaneously. Just try connecting 5 batteries(12 volt)in a series circuit, remove the protective coating from the wire, and touch it with a wet hand. Try it.

Milli-amps per hour[edit]

Eating batteries.gif

Milli-amps per hour or MaH is a measurement of how many hours/1000 the pain lasts after the shock and battering. For example 7000 mAh is 7 hours of pain. Many battery subspecies have a high milli-amp rating, including but not limited to the lithium, NiMH, Alkaline and Lithium ion subspecies.

Strengthening Voltages[edit]

Batteries can combine to heighten their voltage. With more voltage comes more beats, and more beats means more pain. A domestication of batteries is the the battery pack. The battery pack allows batteries to combine with ease. Battery packs are similar to batteries, having terminals on their bodies. Also batteries packs can reach high voltages.

Known Facts[edit]

  • Batteries used in wristwatches are not, in fact, real batteries. They are a different kind of batteries, spawned in the bowels of hell by Satan to power his most evil of contraptions, the Wristwatch.
  • Battery acid is a primary ingredient found inside spam.
  • Both sides in the War of 1812 used military-grade batteries in navel combat.
  • Batteries power your girlfriend's mechanical friend when you can't finish the deed. AKA: "Whiskey dick."
  • You can give your mother batteries on Mother's day.

Cooler Known Facts[edit]

  • "You can't eat a battery!" It's not true! It's not true and it's unreasonable. but you can still try it anyways.
  • To be true, a battery is just a simple powered metal thing shaped like a rectangle and used to power things. Ok? Now stop saying weird things.
  • No!
  • Actually, fyi, a battery is not ALWAYS shaped like a rectangle. They are sometimes circular.


The art and sport of defending oneself against batteries is known as earthing.The main weapon of the art of earthing is the earth staff. The earthstaff works like a earthstick which is found near circuit boards. I.E They conduct the shock to the ground.

Some have also advocated the use of salt as a weapon against offensive batteries (as it is known to corrode the terminals), but the act of harming and discarding of batteries is illegal in most jurisdictions, being classed under the felony of A Salt and Battery. Punishments include instant decapitation. Odite svi doma.

You can eat batteries.


  • The hit children's movie Child's Play is a real life story about one family's struggle against a battery (dressed in a doll).
  • Batteries have been known to trip people up.
  • A battery is wanted for questioning in relation to an incident involving Tin Woodman in Emerald City.
  • The juicey insides of a battery, when stuck to a fish fillet, has been known to cause greasy hands, democracy, saggy vowel syndrome and also acne. Use Clearasil Battaway.