Battle, East Sussex

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People queue for the single public toilet at Battle Abbey


Battle is a small town in the South-East of England boasting a population ratio of 20 magpies to every person. This abundance in magpies is often attributed to the local roadkill distribution office, who attract scavengers such as the magpie by releasing wildlife such as rabbits, badgers, squirrels and mammoths onto the roads and drag-racing steamrollers along the same roads shortly afterwards. In this respect, Battle is completely unique.

Battle is most famous for hosting World War II in the year 1066, in which the English and the Germans, united under the lead of General Penggus Maxximus, slaughtered the French in a brutal battle after an international - and particularly unsatisfying - drawn game of lacrosse. An Abbey, St Martin's Abbey, was raised on the exact spot where French leader Thierry Henry was unfortunately and accidentally killed when a stray magpie pierced his cranium, entering through his left eye socket. It is worth mentioning that Henry's left eye was significantly smaller than his right. This lead to the popular poem 'I Spy With My Little Eye Something Beginning with M'. The Battle was later named 'The Battle of Hay Stacks'.

Battle has a thriving tourist industry, with hundreds of visitors from places all over the globe turning up to photograph themselves standing next to the Abbey, biting into a huge Chelsea bun from the local bakery or peeling a fresh mammoth corpse from the road. So successful is the tourism industry in Battle, in fact, that entire streets live off the money made selling t-shirts, hats, keyrings, statuettes of angry lacrosse players and the like.

However, no doubt the most interesting thing about modern Battle is that nothing ever happens there. Ever. The local newspaper, the Battle Observer, runs front-page stories on people dying of natural causes and residents bickering over how far into their gardens their neighbours' trees reach. In the last hundred years, no important people have come from Battle (unless you count the band Keane, which no one in their right mind would), no one has died an unusual death (bar a few mammoths, squirrels, badgers and rabbits), no car bombs have been defused with 0:01 seconds to spare... it is, in the words of Douglas Adams, remarkably unremarkable.

Battle's most prominent society is the battel Bonfire Boyes, who pride themselves on being the earliest group in the whole of England to specialise in burning piles of wood. Such is their expertise in the matter that crowds of thousands flock to Battle each year to marvel at the annual lighting of a pile of wood. It has even been speculated that the Bonfire Boyes were the first Homo Sapiens to discover fire, although this is, of course, absurd, as none of the Battel Bonfire Boyes belong the the species Homo Sapiens.