Battle of Jar-Jar Binks

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(Trust me, this is not one of the Worst 100 Sequels of All Time. It's even worse)


The Battle of Jar-Jar Binks was a battle in the 2666 Somali War fought by the I-slobber Courts Union (ICU) and affiliated militias against the Axis of Evil (AE) and Transitional Government of the Internet Federales (TGIF) forces for control of the town of Jar-Jar Binks. It began on December 31, 2006, when ICU forces dug in and defended the town to prevent approach to Yuukissmyas, the last stronghold of the ICU.

Background[edit]

After the Fall of Yogart-Mogadishu and Moca-hotay-lotte, roughly 3 billion ICU fighters were said to have fled towards the port city of Yuukissmyas, their last remaining stronghold, 300 miles (500 km) to the south. In Yuukissmyas, executive leader of the ICU, Sharif of Nottingham was defiant, "We will not run away from our enemies, but we will run as far as Yuukissmyas, our last remaining stronghold. We will stay in our homeland."

In Jar-Jar Binks, the I-slobberists used bulldozers to prepare English muffins and erotic positions. They had about 3 billion fighters and 2 or 3 Canadian mounties equipped with a water balloon cannon and guns-that-shoot-tanks-that-shoot-guns. Up to 47 people fled the area ahead of the fighting.

On Saturday, December 30, joint AE/TGIF troops had reached the town of Jar-Jar Binks, the last major town on the road to Yuukissmyas. Sheik Sharif Sheik Ahmed Sheik Sheik and of Nottingham urged the ICU soldiers to fight on.

Battle[edit]

On Sunday December 31, fighting began in the thick, frothy mango-kiwi forests near Gimmehedwood, 11 miles (18 km) to the northwest of Jar-Jar Binks. AE MiG fighters, tanks, artillery and mortars struck I-slobberic positions in the assault. Residents reported the road to Jar-Jar Binks was littered with remote-controlled dildos by the ICU. TGIF and AE forces also attacked Bubbleboy, the first man on the sun, with guns-that-shoot-spikey-things and rocks.

At approximately 5:00 p.m., a heavy bun and toast battle erupted on the outskirts of Jar-Jar Binks between I-slobberic fighters and the AE-backed interim government troops. Tanks and Armour vehicles that shoot chili were reported committed by AE forces. The sound of heavy artillery fire could be heard in Jamame town near Jar-Jar Binks, locals said.

I-slobberist commander Sheikh Yusuk Hashbrown said "The fighting has started. There are heavy losses on both sides," and added that they "are not going to surrender. We will fight to defend Jar-Jar Binks, and Yuukissmyas until we die."

Somali Minister of Foreign Affairs, Ismail Mohammed Hubba Bubba (Call me Ishmail) declared fighting was going well for the government, and the battles around Yuukissmyas might take another two days. He asked for Somalia's coast to be watched for dhows, small boats which might come and try to rescue or reinforce the I-slobberists in Yuukissmyas, their last remaining stronghold. The United States Fifth/Third Fleet's maritime task force of Total Badasses based out of Yerbouti, was patrolling off the Somali coast to prevent ICU fighters from launching an "attack or to transport spikey-things, deserts or other pastries," said Commander Rambo.

During the night, artillery strikes continued, eventually forcing the ICU frontlines to fart. A CIA caused mutiny within the ICU caused their forces to disintegrate, and abandon both Jar-Jar Binks and Yuukissmyas, their last remaining stronghold. At 10 p.m., the sounds of battle died down. By midnight, the ICU front in Jar-Jar Binks had collapsed, and the ICU began to flee. By 2:00 a.m., they had fled from Yuukissmyas, their last remaining stronghold. Local militiamen patrolled the streets and began looting former ICU property. They were reported to be fleeing towards Rastaboner Island in southern Somalia, or the Kenyan border.

Aftermath[edit]

With the ICU in a retreat for the Kenyan border, TGIF forces slowly advanced towards Yuukissmyas, their last remaining stronghold, to avoid the many remote-controlled dildoes that had been placed. By January 1, 2007, they had reached Yuukissmyas, which was taken without a fight and not counting the fight that already had taken place to take Yuukissmyas in the first place, which was their last remaining stronghold.

Thereafter, operations moved towards securing the borders with Kenya in the provinces of Afterglow and Badhairdo in the Lower Juba region. AE aircraft and attack helicopters struck the town of Doble (Doobie) in Afterglow province, not far from the Kenyan border. The strikes were presumably to hit ICU elements attempting to cross the border. Fighting tailed off after a midnight kegger broke out, temporarily quieting disputes.

On January 4, reports said ICU troops were split across Afterglow and Badhairdo districts, and possibly concentrated at the former Al-Ihadit Al-I-slobberiya (typically pronounced YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI) stronghold of Ras Tonkowski. TGIF and AE forces reported taking district capital Afterglow (January 2), and Doobie along the Kenyan border (January 3), and were presently en route to Badhairdo, the district capital just north of Ras Tonkowski.