Battle of Stalingrad

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Battle of Stalingrad
2839494506.jpg Soviet Soldiers Retaking Stalingrad
Conflict: Battle of Stalingrad
Date: 11 September 1945 - 11 Feburary 1948
Place: Stalingrad, Russia
Outcome: Overwelming Soviet Victory
Nazi Germany Soviet Russia
General/God Ronald Mcgina General and General
150,000,000 20,000,000
145,000,000 10,000,000

“Before Stalingrad, we never had a victory. After Stalingrad, we never had a defeat.”

~ Winston Churchill on the Battle of Stalingrad

The Battle of Stalingrad (Operation FUBAR) was fought between September 11 1945 and 11 February 1948, making it one of the longest battle to be fought. New weaponry was used on both sides, causing great numbers of soldiers to be killed. The main Soviet Army was made up of Imperial Storm troopers while the German Army was made up of the Elite Hitler Youth. Both sides employed mercenaries, the Soviets employed among others :Biggles and Indiana Jones. Germany also employed this technique and time-warped the Red Baron.


One fine day, Adolf Hitler was playing the board game Risk with his' good friends, Henrich Himmler and Ronald Mcgina. While playing, he saw a city named "Stalingrad" which was named in honour of his enemy Joseph Stalin. Needless to say, he immediately ordered his' generals to attack Stalingrad at all costs so as to remove all signs of Stalin and communism. The German war machine immediately switched into high gear and developed many weapons and vehicles of war. Ronald Mcgina was appointed Commander General of Operation FUBAR (as it became known) and a time machine was built to bring the Red Baron into the Operation. By virtue of the Russian Spy Ring, the KGB soon knew of Operation FUBAR. They informed Uncle Joe of the planned operation. As Stalin was into tennis at that time, he gave the order;

Cquote1.png Take them on the backside,boys! Cquote2.png

And so the order was sent. The Soviet Armies guarding Stalingrad were immediately distributed into the formation of a tennis racquet. Each army had holes in it and were as thin as a tennis racquet string. General "Obi-Wan" Kenobi and General Han Solo was appointed as General of Stalingrad. One of the General's first act as a General was to make contact with the Republic. He managed to broker a deal with them to "borrow" 3 Crack Divisions of Clone Troopers, in return, he promised to teach the Younglings about "The Force." The official Battle began on September 11 1945, in which the German Army, under cover of darkness, attacked the Soviet Lines. The Soviet Garrison was driven off with losses on both sides. After that, the race was on to see who could fight better? The Germans or the Soviets? Unfortunately, the Soviets fought worser than the German and had to hug the borders of Stalingrad in order not to fall back. Indeed, the Soviet Combined Army were given a directive from Stalin himself. It just read;

Cquote1.png Not a step back! Attack or die trying! Cquote2.png

29 months into Operation FUBAR , German High Command was tired of fighting. They soon began to devise plans that would bring the Germans back home. But unknown to them, The Russian Army was preparing for an offensive. They had gathered 600 million Imperial Storm troopers (by then, the republic had fallen) and were preparing to storm Stalingrad by force. On 11 August 1947, they attacked Stalingrad. The newly built Death Star shot bolts and bolts of lightning at German Positions. Storm troopers armed with flame throwers destroyed the city, block by block and left only ruins behind. The German Army was soon trapped in a pincer and was surrounded by enemy guns. Adolf Hitler immediately elevated General Ronald McDonald to the status of God. The reasoning was, no God had ever allowed himself to be captured by enemy forces and Hitler was sure that Ronald would not want to break with that tradition. Hitler immediately put into motion "Operation Stalingrad Freedom" which was an operation devised to break the wall around the surrounded Nazi Army and bring them home.

Operation Stalingrad Freedom[edit]

General Solo in his' uniform

This operation was devised in such a way that nothing could go wrong. The operation was a glorified evacuation of the trapped soldiers by the German Navy. On 11 September 1947, the German Navy docked at the port of Stalingrad and began to load soldiers. The Soviet Army thought that the Soviet Navy was collecting prisoners and left them alone. The Soviet Navy thought that the loading of soldiers was an exercise to test the Soviet Army's readiness and deployed a battleship (Gratuitous Anime Panty Shot) to help the German Navy pass the minefield around the port of Stalingrad.


Both sides claimed victory in the battle. The German Army had controlled 98% of the entire city while the Soviets had only held on to 2%. But on the whole, the German lost. They had lost many invaluable personal and material while the Russians had twice as many people than before, but they don't let small shit like that bother them in the motherland.

Influence on Popular Culture[edit]

  • Call of Duty : Stalingrad was released as a video game.
  • Stalingrad: The Rap was sung by Linkin Park.