Battle of Yavin

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The Battle Of Yavin, also known as the Battle of Yavin IV, was a battle of the English Civil War, which saw the beginning of the end for the reign of Charles I, and catapulted moisture farm-hand Oliver Cromwell into public attention.


King Charles had been bent on inter-galactic conquest since the beginning of his reign, and to further his ends had funded a huge, top-secret superweapon project; a weapon the size of a moon that could vaporise a planet instantly. The weapon was known as Ye Diabolical Cannon of the Black Magick of Satan Himself, although modern day historians prefer to call it the Death Spork, because it looks a little bit like those things they give you in canteens. Just, the size of a moon. And capable of blowing up a planet. Hence, Death spork. Clever name, eh?


The battle station became operational in 295BGL (1649 AD), when it blew up Carrie Fisher. On the other side of the Galaxy, Oscar Wilde looked up from a big, frothy pint of Carbonated Piss, (a delicacy in parts of his native planet, Ireland), and shouted "Millions of voices just cried out in terror, before being suddenly silenced. Bugger." This caught the attention of Oliver Cromwell, a young moisture farmer from just outside Mos Dublin, who was looking for Wilde because he'd just seen a hologram of his sister and really wanted to sleep with her, and was feeling pretty fucked up about it.

After taking him to his hut and stroking his beard a lot, Wilde agreed with Cromwell that his sister was pretty hot. After a while of staring at each other awkwardly, they got up and decided to go to their local pub. There they met Harrison Ford, the famous pilot, who was best friends with a 7-foot tall dog named Rommel, who ate nothing but children (once you get to know him, he's friendly enough, however). They then decided to go see Carrie Fisher, mostly because they were pissed and hadn't done it before.

Once they arrived, they discovered that Carrie Fisher had been blown into thousands upon thousands of rocky bits, to which Wilde remarked, "well, bugger me with a fishfork." After flying around for a while, Ford decided to fly straight at what he thought was a moon, which was a pretty dumb idea anyway. It was even dumber when they realised that it wasn't a moon, but a battle-station; the dreaded Death Spork.

After being lassoed by the station, they were brought into a hangar. Still pretty pissed, Ford, Wilde, Cromwell, Rommel and Cromwell's very effeminate droids, RC-Bastard and 13-37 ran around the ship, shouting and shooting people. After a while, they discovered Cromwell's sister, Leaiaiaiae, in the prison, which was pretty weird because Cromwell thought she only existed in a hologram inside one of the robots.

After some more antics, Wilde decided to cut the rope holding the ship down, and then sacrificed himself during a drunken brawl with James Earl Jones, by standing still and threatening to turn into a ghost. Jones didn't believe in ghosts, so wasn't that worried. After being killed (in a really wimpy way) Wilde's ghost got to work straight away, having the foresight of telling Cromwell to run from the great big group of soldiers shooting at him with guns, which apparently can kill you. With the lasso cut away, the small band of piss-heads, incest fetishists and gay robots flew off to Yavin IV, their favourite nightclub.

The Actual Battle[edit]

After a while of eating nothing but cheap speed and peanuts, Leaiaiaiae came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a trap; the 10,000 elite stormtroopers they had killed had been told to aim badly and die so that they could get away. The others in her party nonchalantly agreed, but were too knackered to bother doing anything about it.

Eventually though, the Death Spork arrived in the street that their nightclub was in, and seemed ready to do to them what it had done to Carrie Fisher. Cromwell, still pretty screwed up by the liberal drug-usage and feeling a bit thirsty because of all the peanuts, reluctantly got into a fighter and flew off towards the battle station. Ford and Rommel buggered off in another direction, while Leaiaiaiae flirted with old men and stared at computer screens, in a vain attempt at understanding what was happening.

The fighters zipped over the surface of the giant superweapon, shooting everything they saw. Eventually, James Earl Jones took off and joined the battle with his elite squadron, and shot everything he saw, too. After a while, someone fired a proton torpedo at the huge exhaust pipe that stuck out the top of the battle-station, but it missed. Pissed off at his failure, the pilot rammed into the surface of the Death Spork, shouting "well if I can't even do that right, I might as well not bother with anything." It was very sad.

Eventually, Cromwell himself had a chance at firing at the exhaust. He patiently waited as the targeting computer counted down the distance from his craft to the target; only by firing the torpedoes at the exactly correct point in time could he destroy the station. At this point, Oscar Wilde's ghost turned up, and told Cromwell to turn off his targeting computer; "I'm better than any fucking computer", his spirit ranted. Cromwell turned off the computer, and waited until just the right second before firing his torpedoes.

The Aftermath[edit]

He missed. Which just goes to show, Oscar Wilde is a douche.