Battlefield 2142

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Soldiers on Battlefield 2142 run in mortal fear from a small, heavily armed donut.

“I’d hit that” ”

~ Captain Picard, on seeing a Titan, Battlefield 2142

“How do I shoot? HOW DO I SHOOT???”

~ A console gamer on Battlefield 2142

Battlefield 2142 is a historic combat game based in the past in the year 2142BC. It's the 256th installment of the Fieldbattle franchise based in France and India, received by a German in the post and then given to a Russian Mig Pilot who crashed.


In the game, you play as two world factions known as the EITC (short for the East Indian Trading Company) and POTC (Pirates of the Carribean). The storyline kicks off when Al Gore sabotages the earth’s atmosphere bringing on a third ice age.

The two factions are forced to fight over the remaining continents of Hawaii and Madagascar for resources in an all out blood fest-- without the blood of course.

Revolutionary Features[edit]

A gameplay screenshot demonstrating most modes at once.

Nothing short of amazing, Battlefield 2142 features several features that set it apart from its predecessors, Super Mario Brothers and The Matrix.

One such feature is the ability of the commander to place sticky-notes on the in game map. However, doing so is strongly advised against as it is known to cause large, dinosaur-shaped tumors.

Another feature is a buddy list which, despite constant tinkering, will NOT work.

Command structure[edit]

Battlefield 2142 has a very unique command structure based around the social hierarchy of Simians. The game is commanded by a Squad Leader, while squads are led by Commanders.

This is a typical conversation between a squad leader and a commander:

"Commander!!!" "Commander here." "Bite my ass!!!" "Check."


The Krylov, the only gun that can suck out a player's soul

Perhaps the most incredible twist in this game’s thrilling storytelling is the fact that guns seem to be less advanced then would be expected. Most guns still only shoot bullets, are inaccurate, and still run out of ammo. The Battlefield creators explain that, “This gives the four classes unique disabilities in the game”.

The most versatile weapon in 2142 is the knife. This weapon is able kill an enemy in a single stroke, something just about every other weapon is incapable of, the exception being the pistol and smoke grenade. Controversy has come over use of the knife. It is argued that a knife is a noob weapon that anyone can use. Many players disagree, saying the knife is extremely hard to control. The level of difficulty can be high because aiming for a persons head is nearly impossible for most gamers today.


The vehicles in the game have evolved into the next level. A great degree of vehicles now have weapons, quickly expiring shields, and even ineffective EMP capabilities.

Jeep Wrangler[edit]

Basically a demoted and much less cool version of the Hummer, Wranglers have 1% armor and 99% speed capabilities. Wranglers have a backseat for passengers which is completely open to enemy fire. One flaw in its design is that the armies’ budget did not allow for a windshield to be installed making bug splatter a common problem and accidents more common.


Tanks specialize in typing “Lol” in the chat after blowing off the feet of terrified soldiers and hurling their remains into the air. This practice is common; sometimes over ten tanks will surround a base, taking turns firing at spawn points.

On the down side, all tanks in 2142 store their explosive systems in the rear of the tank which is unsurprisingly, unarmored. The EITC and POTC engineers received a good many head slaps from their Commanders for this after failed testing on the battlefield.


In the future, the development of modern fighters was halted for a slower and less computer guided aircraft known as the “Republic Gunship”.

A second airship was made known as an “Airbus”. It hauls over 80 soldiers at a time with no protection for the soldiers happily kicking their feet out the side doors. Often soldiers would lose their feet after a hard landing or their entire bodies for that matter when the ship’s n00b pilot bails. Airships are often used as suicide bombers for irritated n00bs unable to kill their target with the common method known as skill.


Imperial Walkers are considered one of the only actual foolproof vehicles in the game. Its ingenious design gives it unlimited fire power, more armor then other vehicles, and a satisfying way to blast Ewoks and then with it's bendable legs you can tea bag them.

Titans (Titan Mode)[edit]

Titans are massive floating dairy farms that ship milk and cheese to hungry lactose-deprived soldiers below. A massive storage tank on each side of the ship holds approximately 100,000 tons of whole milk.

Shortly after released, Titan designers realized it was an instant target in the game’s “Titan Mode”. It didn’t take long for gamers to realize if they all hacked the nuclear missile silos and spoke “Bomb” over the microphone the shield would drop allowing them to board and spawn kill. Bonus points are given if players who destroy a Titan manage to escape before the Titan loses orbit and falls on top of them.

Stategy-- A single Proton Torpedo can be fired into the Titan core chamber; the target area is only about two meters wide. This will set off a chain reaction that will destroy the Titan. No this is not a reference to the Death Star. Why do you ask?

Expansion Packs[edit]

Battlefield 2142 : Strike da' North.

Battlefield 2142 features the expansion pack Strike da' North, in which players are transported to the far north to invade and destroy places such as Canada and Kokimo. Players generally destroy infrastructure by killing seals, polar bears, and eskimos.

They also kill canadians, simply because they are easy targets, eh.

Two new vehicles are available in this expansion pack, but are underutilized due to the fact that they they stink and are ugly. Plus, all the other vehicles crack wise about their mommas.

Critic Reception[edit]

Battlefield 2142 received a 3 out of 10 average from most Game critiques. They said it was no different then the past games in its franchise except for the futuristic battlefield, the new technology and weapons, new factions and classes, and the new community features.

Will Wright gave his own unbiased opinion on the game saying, “This game is so much better than Call of Duty 4. Yes, it’s definitely better”

Film Adaptation[edit]

A several part saga adaptation of the game is in development. The fourth installment of the Battlefield 2142 movie is currently in production by 21st century Fox. Its cast includes Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, Bruce Willis, Pewee Herman, Chow Yun Fat, and Kate Beckinsale.

George Lucas is producing this film and says, “The guns and the whole ‘future in the past’ theme reminds me a lot of Star Wars, the greatest films of all time. It’s great to have the liberty and freedom to develop this M game into a blood fest M movie--without the blood of course”

Battlefield 2142 in today's culture[edit]

Battlefield 2142 has had many impacts on the cultures of humans and photoluminscent algae. Such things as those listed below have been based off of Battlefield 2142...