Battlestar Guadalajara

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There are those who believe that Spanish began out there, far across the universe, with tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of Mexico, or Alberto Gonzales or Prostitution. Some believe that there may yet be brothers of Alec Baldwin, who even now, fight to survive, somewhere beyond the heavens.



Frommm the laand of sky blue waaaters.... waaaters....


It is now well known... the tale of the story of the plight of those poor citizens of the planet Mescal (known as Mexicans) and their heroic venture to planet Earth (see How to pretend you're not Mexican )... We know of the attack upon their home world by the evil Davy Crockett right during their siesta... How RUDE!!!

What we did not know of, until recently, were the events that occurred during that fateful 20 minute ride from Mescal to Earth... But here, for the first time ever, we will release recently discovered knowledge of this courageous voyage through space, and the heroic souls that fought so bravely to guarantee the success and survival of the Battlestar Guadalajara.


The Players[edit]

First we must tell you of the brave crew.

Commander Adamant, presently the ship's fearless captain, but one time lead bagpipe player for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers

A wise and mighty warrior named Adamant captained the Guadalajara. Commander Adamant was not always the strong, stoic man of power that his crew knew would persevere through any crisis (except maybe the 4 Billion Year Blizzard of Poisonous Scorpions ). In his youth, Adamant actually played Bagpipes for a famous Ray Charles tribute band called the "Red Hot Chilli Peppers". One night while he was performing a stellar rendition of Pac Man Fever live at the "Jews for Jesus Music Festival" in Rio Jalapeno, an event occurred that would change Adamant's future history forever...

The festival was just swarming with media, and as Adamant went into a blistering bagpipe solo, a reporter in one of the many helicopters above accidentally dropped his nachos out the open cargo door... the plate full of warm chips and goop plummeted down down down.... gaining velocity and becoming ever more dangerous... until it splattered an unknowing Adamant below... It was at that moment that Adamant knew he must never again be caught unaware by an attack from above, and his life's destiny was changed forever. On a historical side note, upon witnessing the impact, Adamant's Banjo player Courtney Love was quoted as first introducing the phrase "HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!!!" to popular culture.

Then there was Adamant's son, a not-so-brave warrior named A Pollo. Scared of his own shadow, A Pollo was a typical youth from Mescal. He could be found shirking his duties whenever possible, feigning ignorance when asked a direct question, and running away from all discomfort or danger of responsibility. In fact, up until his Bar mitzvah at the age of 27, his given name was "A Pollito".

A Pollo's best friend was a tightly would, hyperactive spaz named Starbuck. Starbuck thought he was all cool and shit just because his dad was Juan Valdez, the dickhead who discovered the five-dollar cup of coffee. Whoopdie shit. Starbucks incredibly elitist bullshit attitude of arrogance tried to convince customers that even though they just paid five bucks for a cup of joe, they should also TIP the kid who made it for them... This lead to the war chant used against the Mexicans by the Crockettonians at the onset of the attack... and I quote " GIMME A FUCKIN BREAK ALREADY! YOU ARE TAKING MY CASH HAND OVER FIST, YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUMP UP THE SALARY OF YOUR SLAVES BY A COUPLE BUCKS AN HOUR YOU INCREDIBLY GREEDY MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!! "

There were also a couple of secondary nonessential types in the background, but I don't feel like creating their storylines so fuck em. Their names are Lieutenant Boomer, who is either a Jimmy Walker lookin' black man or a really cute Asian girl.... and Colonel Tigh, who is either a bald aging white man or an aging black man with a full head of hair, depending if you were born before or after 1978. OK, OK ALREADY!... Lt. Boomer was a street style dancer in his youth, you can see his early days in "Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo"... and Colonel Tigh is really insecure about his tracheotomy scar, so he always wears a necktie of some sort.... there, ya happy now?

Lt. Starbuck, son of Juan Valdez and heir to the five-dollar-a-cup coffee fortune... What a dick!
Lt. A Pollo, scared of his own shadow. Was known as "A Pollito" until his Bar mitzvah at age 27
Lt. Boomer, Rockin the house yo... Was first seen in the Mexican comedy called "Breakin 2, Electric Boogaloo"
Colonel Tigh, lookin very dapper in his trademark bow tigh... can also be seen wearing kerchiefs and cravats

The Ships[edit]

The Battlestar Guadalajara was a mighty warship made out of tortillas, frijitos refritos, and a giant gila monster carcass. It had quarters to accommodate 45 crewmen, but on this journey housed 455,675,238,996,223,142.6 Mexicans. As it left the shattered remains of Planet Mescal behind, it was quickly sighted by Davy Crockett, perhaps due to its blaring horn that played "La Cucaracha" during it's low-ridin' cruise out of orbit. The Crockettonian Base Star commanded by Davy Crockett took quick pursuit of the Guadalajara, and would have caught it if not for the intervention of the ACLU (Astral Commission of Labourers Undocumented) which stalled the proceedings by sputtering forth baseless, fragmented and nonsensical legalese thereby confusing the Crockettonian crew long enough for the base star to be shot, skinned, and eaten by Daniel Boone.


The Battlestar Guadalajara commanded by Adamant
The Base Star commanded by Davy Crockett