Bauhaus was a band formed in the North Pole, Britain, in 1919 by local public enemy Peter Murphy on vocals, former soccer player David Beckham on bass, Murphy’s mother Kevin Haskins on drums, and his pet dog Daniel Ash on guitar and saxophone (all of them united by a fixation with David Bowie and watermelon). A psychopath going under the name Pochahontas was planning on serving as a washboard player, but she quit after Kevin Haskins got drunk and threw a domino at her, and because it was discovered that Peter Murphy could effectively create the sound made by a washboard through the act of scraping a guitar pick over his ribs. Their main aim was to scare the shit out of whoever happened to pass by. With their gloomy songs about death, drugs, angst, unpleasant sex, angst again, fish, religion, rebellion, makeup, blasphemy, Sadomasochism and occasional references to Oscar Wilde, they are regarded as the “Godfathers of Goth”
They built a cult following with the release of their first single, “Billy the Goat is Dead”. Shortly after the release of Billy The Goat, they were banished from their home town by the local zombie defense league after an attempt to explode the guild hall. After the release of a few more singles, such as “Kick in the Ass”, they released their first album, “In the Flat Field”. It was met with terrible reviews by the Nazi music press, but nonetheless climbed the indie charts and continued to build their following. They became renowned for their dramatic live performances which usually featured Murphy doing flamboyant dances with strobe lights reminiscent of his rentboy past and Ian Curtis’s epileptic flailing, and of course because of his exposure of the fact that he wore a thong way before it became fashionable.
Bauhaus released 3 additional studio albums in the years following. These, in order, were “Mask”, “The Sky’s Gone Out (or so says Chicken Little)”, and “Burning From The Inside”. As well as a live album called “Press the Eject and Give Me the Tape, Unless of Course You Are Using A Turntable, In Which Case Play The Record Backwards In Order To Hear Cryptic Messages From Floop’s Fooglies Or Freddie Mercury Condoning Drug Use” and a compilation of songs done during a radio session called “Swing The Heartache”
Murphy was hospitalized in 1983 supposedly because of Pneumonia, but probably because the NZDL caught up with him and attempted to drive a stake through his heart, or because of severe malnourishment. When he returned from the hospital, he discovered that the rest of the band had finished up recording the album “Burning From The Inside” using a raspberry as a substitute singer. This was the first event that lead up to their split in 1983. Other occurrences and problems that caused the split are listed:
• Ash and Murphy constantly arguing over who had the most dramatic cheekbones
• Musical differences
• Clashing egos
Bauhaus also appeared in the beginning of the pretentious Tony Scott vampire film, “The Hunger” because David Bowie had the role of one of the main characters in the film and he asked them to appear in it after he heard their cover of his famous song, “Ziggy Stardust” and thought it better than the original. Murphy also appeared in an advertisement for Maxell tapes and Ash had a cameo appearance in the film “Ninja Cheerleaders” as a duck. A video archive of one of the band’s performances and their music videos was released in 1984, for the simple reason that Big Brother wanted to watch them.
After their split, Daniel Ash became engrossed in his side project, Toe Nails, which he had formed with Jimmy Saville. (who was going under the alias “Glenn Campling”) Kevin Haskins joined. Mainly, the band was just an excuse to make weird noises and release more pictures of naked people as album covers. Murphy started a weird house band with Mick Karn (ex bass player from “China”) called Dali’s Car. They split up soon after because Murphy was unnerved that Mick Karn’s skin moved of it’s own accord and because he was sick of having a Laserdisc constantly shoved in his face. David Beckham went to L.A. Toe Nails split up. Dali’s Car split up. Ash, Haskins, and Beckham formed Love & Rockets. Murphy went solo and at one point wrote a song based upon the writings of Oscar Wilde.
In 1998, in an effort to recapture their youth, Bauhaus reunited. They made a DVD of their reunion concert. It mainly consisted of them hugging each other, recovering long lost articles of clothing, and Murphy and Ash finding new ways to tie themselves together with a sparkly black boa.
They toured again as Bauhaus in 2005-2006 and released an album called “Go Away White” in 2008 just to get their fans to stop complaining that they hadn’t released an album in 25 years. Nobody really liked it. They have since split up again and have gone back to their respective post- Bauhaus projects. There is also a conspiracy theory that they have discovered an uninhabited island in the southern Mediterranean Sea and are trying to colonize it with their offspring in an attempt to achieve world domination. Supporting this theory is the fact that Murphy and Ash can successfully reproduce through vomiting into each other’s mouths. Supposedly, millions of years ago, (Peter Murphy is still not older than The Rolling Stones though, contrary to popular belief)they colonized Mars with their children, but then Ziggy Stardust burned them as jet fuel to get to Earth. Murphy and Ash did not seem distressed when inquired on the matter, though Bowie later apologized for the mass slaughter in the songs, "Life On Mars", "Sorry", and "I'm Not Losing Sleep". When asked why taking such extreme measures he responded that he was "Unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed at the time and that it was really urgent for him to be on Earth. Even though Earth is a bitch."
Bauhaus have left several important questions unanswered:
• What type of pedals does Daniel Ash use?
• How the hell does he get a guitar to sound like a violin by rubbing a drumstick on the strings?
• How is he still alive?
• What does he mean when comparing things to “Strawberries and Cream”?
• Did he invent the “Electric Saxophone”?
• Did he really kill Kevin Haskin’s hamster?
• How was Peter Murphy so skinny?
• Why does the typical person find Peter Murphy’s extreme skinniness unappealing?
• Did he really rip out his molars?
• Is he related to David Bowie?
Is Kevin Haskins capable of speech?
• Is it true that, like Andrew “Yvonne” Eldritch (of The Sisters of Mercy), the real reason that David Beckham wears sunglasses 24/7 is so that Patricia Morrison won’t see him staring at her boobs? (or Daniel Ash's crotch; in fact, there is an old myth stating that if you look directly at it, you will turn to stone.)
• Did Condoleeza Rice rape and kill the raspberry they hired as a substitute singer?
We may never know.