Bear Wrestler

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“Let's go get them bears!”

~ Michael Houman on the Bear Alarm

“I knew it! You're one of those Bear Wrestlers!”

~ Tristan van Norden on Michael Houman

“Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to reveal his secret identity and have bears roaming schools again like they did in prehistoric times?!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tristan's inability to use common sense

“Bear Wrestling, the sport of the gods!”

~ Socrates on Bear Wrestling

“When I made bears, I never knew you stupid people would try to wrestle them!”

~ God on Bear Wrestling

“For Mother Russia !”

~ Zangief on Bear Wrestling
Bear Wrestler at Senior Night

A Bear Wrestler is part of the Bear Wrestling club, a secret organization that works with the school that when called upon, finds, and takes out any bear running loose in the hallways. Most Bear Wrestlers are also on the Wrestling team and use Wrestling as a time to prepare during the off season. This is a secret organization that I had recently infiltrated. All of their secrets and rituals are listed below.

About Bear Wrestlers[edit]

Man and bear have been wrestling since the Dawn of Civilization

Believe it or not, most bear wrestlers are actually normal high school students. Bear wrestlers operate in secret, as not to scare the bear away from the school. The competence of this theory is debatable, as the point of bear wrestling is to get rid of the bears. However, the elites of bear wrestling don't really care about common sense.

Bear wrestlers are specially trained to react in the case that a bear would enter the school. Now, the reader might think, "A bear would never infiltrate a school," (see below), but this has happened on various occasions.

“A bear would never infiltrate a school!”

~ You on The importance of Bear Wrestlers

Modern Bear Wrestling[edit]

In the past 15 years, bear wrestling has become increasingly popular among high school students. Although the chances of a bear actually breaking into a school are very slim, schools create bear wrestling teams just to "be prepared". Students are attracted to bear wrestling because it allows them the opportunity to "do something good for their community", and is also a really easy way to get a letter.

Due to the violence involved in wrestling bears, many parents are opposed to bear wrestling. But since most of these parents are Republicans, they realize that they would rather have their sons wrestle bears than other boys.

The major challenge to the modern bear wrestler is Green Peace or PETA, both of which believe that the bears are simply searching for food in their natural environment. This of course assumes that bears, by instinct, live in cities, backyards, and school hallways and their primary source of food is human flesh. Some bear wrestlers find that these organizations will go so far as to sue them over confrontations with a bear for the legal property of the bear wrestler's genitalia or other extremities. PETA claims that such a seizure of property ensures the continued safety of wildlife, and also looks really good when mounted on the wall.

To keep in shape for bear wrestling, it is recommended for the average bear wrestler (not legends such as Christopher Walken or John F. Kennedy) to consume thirty raw eggs every day, run twenty miles while laden down with an aggravated, fully-grown grizzly bear, and then force that bear into submission. After such a feat, the bear wrestler should lift aggresively while chanting the phrases: "GET SOME!", "YEAH!!!", and most importantly, "GRRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" If the prospective bear wrestler is able to complete this work-out on a daily regimen without tiring, he should take up Dinosaur Boxing or Shark Drowning to further increase his manliness and respect from women and men alike.

Bear wrestling, although dangerous, could have life saving repercussions. There is speculation into whether this sort of action could have saved Mona Lisa's life in the tragic Rent-Bear accident of 1989.

TIP:For those interested in starting their trip to be a master bear wrestler one piece of info that is passed down from generation to the next(unless somebody decides to be a dick and mess up the system) is this, "Always take a bath in a tub of gravy before each match,it will make the bear run AWAY from you."

Black Bear Controversy[edit]

For many years, the Tennessee Black Bear Wrestling Association (TBBWA) has been viewed with a disparaging eye by the other, more well known, national and international bear wrestling groups, owing mainly to the fact that Black Bears are often considered the runts of the Ursus genus. During the hayday of the American Bear Wrestlers' Guild, the California Big Bear Conventions would often end with large groups of bear fighting aficionados chanting their slogan:

As principal of this proud institution, I am happy to say that most students would feel privilged to enter the hallowed halls of St.C High. I've spent the last 7 yeas of my life here giving 64% effort to make this school the best that it can be. Whether its grab assing with members of the athletic teams, trying to be funny, or roaming around acting tough, I do what I can.

This is a slogan that was much more caustic in the early 90's before the World Wrestling Federation had changed their name to World Wrestling Entertainment. The slogan lost much of its luster when the TBBWA lobbied for the name change specifically to make the Big Bear Wrestling groups appear silly.

The TBBWA has tried various ways to highlight some of the advantages that the black bears enjoy over their larger polar and grizzly cousins by including various forms of extreme black bear tree wrestling to the national competitions. This would spell near doom for black bear wrestling in the deep south. The black bears turned out to be more dexterous in the trees than the competitors had planned and the human competitors were almost always very seriously maimed or killed in these extreme events. One of the founding members of the TBBWA, the Russian born Crusher Carl the Raskally Russian, was a pioneer in black bear wrestling, helping get it officially recognized by the guild. But he never much liked how cavalier these younger upstarts were with their lives. He said it "showed a certain lack of respect for the ruthless, unbridled danger that is packed in the little black bear." He also feared that their disrespect was helping to fuel the fires of the bigoted big bear enthusiasts. All would be for naught, because the black bears are very quick learners and very quickly added new strategies from these events to the other wrestling events. Soon the bears started hiding in trees waiting for the unsuspecting wrestler. Then when the time was right the bear would yell "tree bear" and pounce on the wrestler from above. Crusher Carl claimed that many of the more well known black bear wrestlers moved to the west coast to wrestle the more popular grizzlies where they never had to worry about the infamous "tree bear" attack.

Famous Known Bear Wrestlers[edit]

  • Christopher Walken
  • John F. Kennedy
  • Zangief
  • Michael Houman
  • Half of your High School wrestling team
  • Andrew Dean Richardson
  • Chuck Norris[1]
  • Jackie Moon (recently discovered)
  • Brian Gleason
  • Ari Amon <four years national Champion>
  • Kevin Jumba (kevjumba) <Current champion (2011-Present)>
  • Shane Sures <submitted by a seven foot grizzly last Spring>
  • Jake Klein <Karate Master>
  • Bram "Kochinator" Koch <Viking Warlord>
  • BRANDON DOOLITTLE <Previous champion of bear wrestling (1901-2007)>
  • The Scott Hand
  • My pet fox
  • LLoyd, earl od Pudding
  • Vertoxis
  • Crusher Carl the Raskally Russian

See Also[edit]

Sammy the 3rd of July Grizzly and Kimbo the 3rd of July Panda

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