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~ last words of unidentified bearcat victim

The wild Ukrainian bearcat is the most lethal and feared of all animals in this or any universe, yet it is also the prettiest. It is so powerful that it is entirly undescribable, so of course I will spend almost 3 pages in my brave attempt. However, if your a lazy freak all you really need to know is that it is literally the definition of pwnage.

Not even Texas can withstand a bearcat mauling.


The physiology of the common bearcat is similar to a bear's head and muscles on the biggest saber toothed tiger you could possibly imagine. It is best described however, as 12 grizzly bears, 32 polar bears, 47 black and brown bears, a pack of lions, two dozen tigers (mixed types), 95 jaguars, 3 fried eggs, a side of bacon, and a pinch of cheetahs.

As this implies, it can go pretty much anywhere and do pretty much anything, as long as it feels in the right mood. Because of this unspecificity, the science of herpabotomy was invented specifically to catalog it's pawnage.

Herpabotomy? doesn't that mean the study of lizard plants?[edit]

No. In fact, just for saying that, you just got attacked by a bearcat. Congratulations, you dumbass.

Herpabotomy actually is mexican and means "holy shit! look out bearcats!". It has taught us a lot about the infinite number of very specific powers the bearcat posseses. some of these include;

  1. Instant disintigration of anyone that looks at it, touches it, smells it, hears it, tastes it, or thinks about it (including you)
  2. The ability to fold and pass though space and time. i.e. it is everywhere, constantly. Watch out.

Advances in Herpabotomy[edit]

Herpabotomy has come a long way from it's humble beginings in 1843 and now features several dozen bearcat related theories. The most well-known was the theory of bearcat indivisibility, which states that bearcats are in fact each individual atoms of the element Bearcatnium. Unfortunately, no one has had the balls to try to test it yet, as it involves trying to divide a bearcat.

Other prominent theories are the laws of infinite proportions of Bearcats, the Heimmerson-Wesley hypothesis, and the infamous Smithsonain event theory.

History and radishes[edit]

Seeing as bearcats exist everywhere, all the time, it would seem that by definition they have been around forever. Yet this is not the case. Bearcats are believed to be created at some point in the 1780s, in the 3rd Roman Empire.

While reports are sketchy, it is believed that an unethical herpamatomist had been attempting to create the ultimate scissors (i.e. one that could beat rocks, paper and lesser scissors)in his evil lair, when he accidentally created the first primitive bearcat,most likely named Fred.

The scientist was instantly mauled to death (as can be expected), but even in that moment, Fred must have known that he was an imperfect being, and so he traveled back in time to enhance himself prior to his creation (resulting in the second bearcat, Steve). Steve, although better, could still imagine a better, more r0x0r version of himself, and went back to kill Fred and make a third bearcat, Paul.

Thus unknowingly they created an infinite feedback loop as every new version of the bearcat traveled back in time to improve on itself. The practical upshot of this is every Bearcat is infinitely powerful in every imaginable way.

The only other significant event in Bearcat history was the death of a Bearcat in 1980's Communist Russia, after being round-house kicked by an ornery Chuck Norris(not to be confused with a horny Chuck Norris). Now, out of fear and general apathy on the part of the bearcat community, Spain II: The Revenge now is the only country on earth with a bearcat cavalry.

How to defeat a bearcat[edit]

You can't. If your reading this article you are obviously neither under the protection of Chuck Norris, or a herpabotomist. If you were there would really not be a reason to read this article anyway.

Luckily for you, there are three foolproof ways to avoid Bearcat attacks, each of which requires two hard boiled egges, and some straw.

1. Eat the eggs, and use the straw to build a sacrificial fire where you sacrifice a virgin maid every 47 days. This is the most effective, but can quickly deplete your supply of virgin maids, leaving you vulnerable to vulcano gods.

2. Eat the straw, paint the eggs with effegies of Chuck Norris (or other appropriate Jesii)and pray to them for divine intervention. But going back to why you're reading this article (see n00b), they probably won't give a shit unless your freaking picasso.

3. Eat straw and eggs. This will give you extreme bowel distress and you will problably smell so bad the bearcat won't bother you in the first place. WARNING- this method has been known to cuase explosive diarrhea.


Well there you go, thats all you'll ever need to know about the wild bearcat, and about 300 words more. Just remember, never, ever, EVER, go to chicago. Its just too damn cold.