Bears vs. Unicorns Conflict
“What an awful war; what an excessive amount of bloodshed. On the bright side, my computer didn't crash while playing solitaire today.”
The Bears vs. Unicorns Conflict was the inter-mytho-mammalian conflict to end all inter-mytho-mammalian conflicts. Greater in magnitude even than the devastating Kangaroos vs. Gryphons War of 1957, it was, and is, perhaps the bloodiest war ever fought between a real animal species and a quasi-mythological one. The conflict began in 1987 and is still taking place today, though it has entered what some would call a "cold war" phase.
The significance of this conflict cannot be underestimated; humans will ultimately be forced to worship whomever is victorious, since the achievements of humans have long been surpassed by those of bears and unicorns, not to mention bunny rabbits, squirrels, weasels, pegasi and ants, just to name a few.
- 1 Key Figures
- 2 Escalation of Hostilities
- 3 War Formally Declared
- 4 Insurgents and the Downfall of General Unicornius (aka Fighting on Mushrooms)
- 5 Unicorns' Last Stand
- 6 The Downfall of Gentle Ben
- 7 Aftermath
- 8 See also
- Slim Shady: Detroit white rap artist extraordinaire of Greater Bear Country, and the main instigator of the conflict. Angering both sides by placing prank phone calls to Bear and Unicorn government offices on December 16th, 1986, Shady's instigatory role has been hotly debated by historians. Recent recordings of his prank calls include several in which he asked whether or not the victims' refrigerators were running, because he could "see them running off with some (bear/unicorn) out my living-room window." As a result, both sides worried that the other was attempting to cut off their food supply. Unfortunately, each side also forgot that December 16th was one of 187 days each year on which Slim Shady is an asshole. In addition, a simple Google search on his Caller ID string would have revealed that Shady still lived in a trailer park.
- Tim Hardaway: NBA star and leader of the Unicorns until 1996, when he was killed during the Battle of Grape Street. Hardaway led his side to many victories and several playoff appearances, but the Unicorns consistently underperformed during the post-season.
- Gentle Ben: Leader of the Bears until 1996, when he revealed his predilection for having sex with sheep. Though incompetent as a field commander, he nevertheless managed to create artificial opposable thumbs for the Bears, which proved crucial in their development of gun-holding techniques.
- Paddington Bear: Successor to Gentle Ben, who led the Bear armies to many triumphant victories. His most notable campaign was his successful siege of the Unicorn stronghold of Waystrongunicornholde. Despite his heroics in battle, he was tragically killed by a fragment of unicorn horn striking his inexplicably unprotected penis. Since his enormous macho pride would not allow him to have his penis surgically removed, he died of massive blood loss shortly thereafter.
- Howard Stern Bear: Present-day leader of the Bears. Under his leadership, the Bears have become a fast-moving and far more efficient fighting force of considerable magnitude, and have now gained the upper hand in the conflict, as well as an upper-class tax cut. However, some pro-Unicorn observers claim that Stern Bear is pushing the Bears toward Nazism (see unaltered photograph at right).
Escalation of Hostilities
As December 16 wore on, Slim Shady's rumors escalated in severity, prompting daring acts of espionage by both sides to determine whether food supplies were indeed being stolen. Inevitably, both sides began to actually take each other's food in retaliation for acts that were not really being committed. Tensions increased the next day when "terror squads" from each side began constantly ringing the other's doorbells and leaving flaming bags of poo on the other's front porches. Early in the morning of December 19th, the bears caught a spy, film director Guy Ritchie, in the very act of leaving poo on the doorstep of prominent Bear industrialist Paddington Bear.
The Hideous Maiming of Guy Ritchie
“Not only did he leave poop on my doorstep, that cornholer left sand in my ass.”
- ~ Bear vigilante Care Bear on justifying excessive action taken against Guy Ritchie
Upon the discovery of this heinous act by Ritchie, the Bears reacted as if someone had just jacked their car, brutally slaughtering the hapless director and Madonna ornament by ripping off all his skin and cooking him in a large clay pot, only to leave him in the snow to be eaten by hungry badgers, who apparently had seen at least one of his movies.
Later, a forensic investigation revealed that Ritchie had not only left poo on Paddington Bear's doorstep, he had also dumped several pints of deer urine in the Bears' Department of Motor Vehicles Headquarters building in downtown Bear Jack City, the capital of Eastern Bear Country. Moreover, documents were found, including several receipts from a local dry-cleaner, linking Ritchie directly to the Unicorn Global Domination Front (UGDF), funded largely by proceeds from Madonna's Virgin Tour (1985).
The Unicorns' Reaction
Ritchie's body was not discovered for three months, during which tensions increased almost daily. Unfortunately, a nearby Spotted Owl videotaped the entire mutilation, and released the footage to the Unicorn News Network (UNN) shortly after the end of the Bears' winter hibernation period.
Incensed by the constant televised repetition of the horrific footage (though oddly disinterested in the content of the footage itself), the Unicorns decided to launch an all-out first-strike thermonuclear attack on Poohville, the capital of Western Bear Country. In retrospect, the Unicorns' reaction was clearly excessive; nobody thought they would use their nuclear arsenal as quickly as they did. Indeed, in earlier conflicts with other species, the Unicorns had typically begun their offensives with a simple denial-of-service attack, leading some to speculate that the chief of the Unicorn Strategic Weapons Command, Ron Artest, had simply pressed the wrong button on his laptop.
|Imagine the Bears in a wheelchair crossing a street that appears clear, only to be run over by a bus. That's what happened to Poohville on March 23rd, 1987.|
—NFL Films' Steve Sabol, describing the attack
With no nuclear retaliatory capability whatsoever, Gentle Ben, President of Greater Bear Country, had no choice but to deploy secret Bear "mindfuck" technology against the Unicorn's indentured livestock population. At this point, there was no turning back - without their working-class horses, goats, and their two cows to act as lighting and positioning stand-ins during photo sessions for glossy New Age magazines and quartz power-crystal advertisements, the Unicorns' chief source of outside income was seriously threatened. Both sides proceeded to formally declare war on each other on March 25th, 1987.
War Formally Declared
Under the leadership of Hardaway, the Unicorns took the offensive at the outset. However, when opportunities to finish the Bears off arose, they failed to capitalize on them. After five long years, both sides were decimated, exhausted, and cranky.
Meanwhile, Gentle Ben was a weak strategist who, despite an impressive array of sophisticated weaponry, chose to fight a war of attrition with little more than his Yu-gi-oh! trap cards, a handful of sharply-pointed sticks, and some old bottles of cheap after-shave lotion.
The Battle of Grape Street
The Battle of Grape Street took place in late 1996, just as the Bears were about to hibernate. It lasted two days, during which both sides suffered heavy casualties. By this time, everyone on both sides had forgotten how the conflict had started. It was thought by some that one side had stolen the other side's Oxycontin, or possibly a crate of Adderall.
- Groups involved: Unicorns, Bears, Stormtroopers, and Iraqi insurgents
- Casualties: All non-Jewish Stormtroopers, an unknown number of Iraqi insurgents, 149,710 Unicorns, 13,128 Bears, and Chris Rock
Hardaway had ambitiously attempted during 1996 to lay siege to the entire nation of Greater Bear Country. Obviously, this required the recruitment of many powerful allies, including hired mercenaries, spies, assassins, and even a dragon. His cabinet and military advisors (all of whom were human, since Unicorns are herd animals and therefore terrible as leaders) had insisted on purchasing the services of over half of the Star Wars Clone Army, as well as several thousand Iraqi insurgents, all with little more than a handful of scalped Bon Jovi tickets as payment. Luckily, both groups were huge Bon Jovi fans.
The plan was for the insurgents to sneak through the undefended southern border, while the clones infiltrated from the north, cleverly disguised as Bears. The Unicorns themselves would attack from the west with the aid of the dragon, and eventually meet up with the clones and insurgents in an all-out effort to decimate Detroit, the capital of Greater Bear Country.
Though initially considered a tremendous asset to the Unicorn forces, the clones proved ineffective against the Bears. The clones were actually just armed intergalactic nerds dressed in glorified Halloween costumes, and though superior to the average human, their cheap plastic armor was useless against the Bears' mighty claws. All who invaded the country were mauled to death, except those who called in sick that day (such as the Jewish stormtroopers, thanks to helpful phone calls from the Israeli consulate).
Insurgents and the Downfall of General Unicornius (aka Fighting on Mushrooms)
Meanwhile, Gentle Ben and his strategic planning team in the south noticed that several newly-arrived visitors, whose visa applications all stated that they were only there for flying lessons, were not wearing their mandatory roller skates as required by the Universal Bear Legal Code. While the more snarky, sarcastic British arm of General Unicornius' troops were too busy watching a poker tournament on PokerStars, they were killed instantly by shards of broken Unicorn horns to the throat and open orifices by the Bears; a brilliant maneuver, especially for Bears not known for such brilliant moves in the past. Morale quickly broke among the Unicorns, who had never faced such terror and death, and they soon fled in disarray before an advancing crack squad of O.J. Simpson look-alikes.
Unicorns' Last Stand
Even without their mercenary support force, the Unicorn army managed to reach Detroit, where they fought valiantly for over several days (while they yelled and screamed at their laptops with the all-in shoves and knockouts during every PokerStars match). When Hardaway realized that the planned reinforcements were never going to arrive [Couldn't he get the hint from that time they didn't show up for his sleepover in 5th grade? - ed.], he decided to call for more Unicorn troops from among those defending the borderlands; a potentially disastrous decision that could have left the Unicorn homeland wide open to a Bear counter-attack, or even an invasion of marketing executives. Hardaway clearly believed that if the Unicorns failed to defeat the Bears in this battle, they never would. However, before he could even issue the order, his own protege, Joey Fatone, annihilated him with the devastating Suspended-Fatality Move with Hardaway's own Unicorn horn.
After this, the Unicorns, exhausted and demoralized, retreated to their homeland. They have not launched another major invasion of Bear territory since.
The Downfall of Gentle Ben
In 1996, Seventeen Magazine revealed that Gentle Ben was involved in a long-term sexual relationship with at least three different sheep. Normally, the only people who have sex with sheep are members of Greek-Letter Organizations and New Zealanders, and Bears in general take a strict anti-Greek stance in that they don't care about New Zealanders' sexual trends. As a result, The Council of Elder Bears Who Can Still Get Poontang decided to send Gentle Ben's self-proclaimed "as-yet-unmolested abstinence" to the backwoods of Greater Bear Country, better known as Walden Pond, where mostly black bears live. (Unlike the open-minded unicorns, Bears are a highly racist species whose brown vs. black cultural divisions are well-known among sociologists)
Since 1996, the conflict has devolved into a series of pointless, futile skirmishes leading only to excessive bloodshed, rather than to progress in resolving the bitter differences between the two sides.
Unicorns: The Post-Hardaway Era
“Ambition is so powerful a passion in the human breast that however high we reach, we are never satisfied. What? We're talking about Unicorns? Shit, don't waste my time. I must get back to my ivory tower of academia to receive manual stimulation from Adam Smith's invisible hand.”
Since Hardaway's death, the Unicorns have become embroiled in a costly internal power struggle. Despite their having tried everything from Shoots 'n' Ladders, Tic-Tac-Toe, Chicken, Fear Factor, Scissors-Paper-Rock, Democratic Elections, "Electoral College" proxy votes, and tests of endurance by watching The Man Show re-run marathons (hosted by Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope, just to make it that much more difficult), there is still no true leader of the Unicorns.
Bears: Victorious, or Just Asleep?
It can easily be argued that the Bears have won the conflict, given their greater political and socioeconomic stability, and the fact that their military capacity is more intact than the Unicorns. While many have accused the Bears of veering toward Nazism, and of promoting right-wing idealogues like Bill O'Reilly as well as left-wing media figures pretending to be right-wing idealogues like Stephen Colbert, the Bears are mostly back to doing three things they do best. Producing porn videos with hot Asian Unicorns, foraging for food, and sleeping through the winter.