Beast Machines

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Beast Machines may be the most unpopular show ever. Although it is the followup to the kickass Beast Wars, it sucked. Sucked so bad. Sucked more than all the CVP's put together. Anyhow, in the show, Blackarachnia, Cheetor, Optimus, and Rattrap return to Cybertron, where they find that Megatron has singlehandedly raped the entire population of the planet, and controls his drone army of Vehicondoms. "Reformatted" by a computer at the centre of the planet, the Maximals are made into powerful technorganic warriors. Megatron believed that everyone must use birth control when copulating, and doing it bare was "filthy". It was up to the Maximals to stop him. (unfortunately). And so the brave Maximals took on the Vehicondoms, which were led by three generals, all of which were actually raped characters who survived the Beast Wars - Silverbolt became the horny Jetstorm, but was revived into the world's most deadliest peacock; Waspinator became a "cool biker bot" and friendly Rhinox became a giant demented tank dude with a desire to destroy all vegetables. Hasbro; goddamnit lay off the fucking pot, ya fucking hippies!

Beast Machines is incredibly unpopular and controversial for countless reasons. The main ones include the raping of Cybertron at the end of the show, several rip-offs of that big talking head from the original Power Rangers series, Optimus becoming obsessed with talking to the Oracle, Rattrap becoming weaponless, an asshole, and having no legs, Silverbolt taking the role of Depthcharge, Rhinox's change to evil and dying, the presence of Nightscream (a bat-kid with a miserable personality), the presence of Savage/Noble who was the first purely organic Transformers, the presence of Botanica the horny Indian plant lady, and the fact that the whole series was written by Bob Scourge and his team of psychotic bingo players. As a final insult, Bob Scourge pushed Optimus and Megatron (who had just stolen Optimus's previous body) into a pit of green goo which activated a nuclear bomb and raped Cybertron into a nightmarish techno-organic paradise.

Episodes[edit]

  • The Reformatting: Like much of Beast Machines this episode was created under the guiding light of the late Terrance Mckenna. Hasbro decided to have a mandatory Ayahuasca trip for all those involved in Beast Machines. The first episode is a retelling of the Navajo native American myth whereby drunken soldiers return from an intergalactic war by climbing down an artificial spider rope. The surviving Maximals are sexually depraved furries. Megatron has every right to purge cyberton of these sex obsessed stoner hippies. The Oracle techno-organic apps are simply hideous, a pain for the eye and a stain on Cybertron.
  • Master of the House: The Maximals try to transform, but Rattrap fails to thanks to a recent blowjob. Cheetor and Blackarachnia encounter flying retardicons while Optimus enters the Maximal Citadel to find Megatron in a wacky trashcan. Megatron reveals he raped the entire population and now he wants to do the same to the Maximals.
  • Fires of the Past: Cheetor takes up smoking. Blackarachnia is having weird hallucinations and with Rattrap, goes to find their missing shuttle. The two encounter Megatron's bitches - Jetstorm, Thrust(!) and Tankor. Blackarachnia finds the shuttle and remembers that Silverbolt and Rhinox exist.
  • Mercenary Pursuits: The Generals are given the task to capture the Maximals and they will be "rewarded". While Jetstorm and Thrust get into a cat fight, Tankor finds the Maximals smoking takila. He blows everyone up and takes the Maximals to Megatron. Rattrap spasms and frees the Maximals. Tankor's brain is touched by Optimus, prompting him to help the Maximals escape.
  • Forbidden Fruit: The Maximals encounter a stroppy bat boy named Nightscream who leads them to a random tree with fruit that turns the Maximals into horny animals. Cheetor dislikes Nightscream for stealing his kid bit.
  • The Weak Component: Rattrap finally transforms but discovers he has a useless, legless, weaponless robot mode. Rattrap goes to Megatron for weapons and gains a cool battlesuit. The other Maximals show up to rape Megatron, but Rattrap blows them away. He then openly reveals to the entire cast that he is a virgin. Optimus arrives and convinces Rattrap he doesn't need sex to be cool. The fans were shocked by this.
  • Revelations, Part 1, 2 and 3: The Maximals discover a junkyard of badly disposed Transformer bodies, including several G1 characters. Thrust and Blackarachnia are locked in a factory together with a scary Spark stealing monster. Just as the two are about to get laid, the other Maximals burst in. Tankor's brain is exposed to Rattrap's hormones and it is revealed he is Rhinox. Rhinox is not too thrilled to be back again and turns into a vegetable-hating megalomaniac.
  • Survivor: Nightscream falls into a chamber full of Pokemon fossils, and remembers how he gained his Beast Mode - by skinning Man-Bat alive. Tom Hanks, Winston the Football and the cast of Lost make a cameo appearance.
  • The Key: Tankor discovers the Car Key to Vector Sigma and plans to use it to turn the Maximals into lifeless drones. In return, Optimus discovers the Plasma Energy Chamber where the Maximals have an orgy with a group of plasma girls.
  • The Catalyst: Blackarachnia kidnaps Thrust and Jetstorm, discovering the two are Waspinator and Silverbolt who fight over her. The rest of the cast just run around avoiding Tankor with a vibrator-mode 300% charged cannon.
  • End of the Line: Optimus, Megatron and Tankor blow up Cybertron using their weapons while the Maximals are drugged and painted blue.
  • Fallout: Optimus is dead - again. Megatron is dead for the first time. Rhinox is dead (how sad!). The Maximals try to team up with Jetstorm and Thrust, but the two head off to a strip club instead. Optimus goes on an acid trip, and is released by punching the Matrix.
  • Savage Noble: The first non-mechanical Transformers appears - a wimpish wolf who transforms into a dragon with the face only Nightscream could love. Savage/Noble is the weirdest character to date.
  • Prometheus Unbound: Savage/Noble/Remus Lupin is revealed to be none other than Megatron who has had butt sex with the Matrix.
  • In Darkest Knight: Jetstorm is exposed to a comic con and transforms into Silverbolt, who now is the world's deadliest peacock with the personality of Batman.
  • A Wolf In the Fold: The Maximals all drinked spiked alcahol and go crazy, having a sex orgy while Optimus speaks with Megatron, who has been a giant head for the past several episodes. The only way the Maximals can free themselves is by working together. Where is the wolf exactly, Noble wasn't in the episode?!
  • Home Soil: The Maximals are invited to the reunion of the crew of Ground Force, but a plant lady named Botanica goes ballistic and humps Rattrap. Thrust joins in the party and gives Optimus the finger.
  • Sparkwar, Part 1, 2 and 3: Megatron unleashes two new generals, Obsidian and Strika. They outnumber the Maximals who run away. Noble is raped by Megatron and dies. Enraged, Nightscream unleashes Mary Sue powers and depolarises Megatron's spark.
  • Spark of Darkness: The Maximals team up with Obsidian and Strika to restore Cybertron, but Megatron's spark is on the rampage in the form of a giant firefly.
  • Endgame, Part 1, 2 and 3: The Vehicondoms attacks the Maximals who now control Megatron's head base. Megatron steals Optimus' cosplay suit and kills all the Maximals. Cheetor launches Obsidian and Strika into space and kills Thrust. Optimus and Megatron fight and both fall into the core of Cybertron, reformatting it into a nightmarish techno-organic paradise. The survivors are Cheetor, Rattrap, Blackarachnia, Silverbolt, Nightscream, Botanica, Waspinator (who has been shrunk down to a tiny wasp with the head of an Ewok) and all the users of Uncyclopedia. This was the episode that sucked the most. So sucky it was painful.