Beat A Dead Horse

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Beating the dead horse: It's this easy.

“In Soviet Russia, dead horse beat YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on beating the dead horse

Beating the dead horse is the new thing. It's fun, everybody is doing it, and it achieves a lot of tasks. Wouldn't you like to beat the dead horse? Well, I'm sure the answer to that question is yes, so this handy guide was created so by the time you finish reading, you'll be an expert in beating the dead horse.

How to beat the Dead Horse[edit]

While beating the dead horse is easy, it requires experience nonetheless. Is it possible to play a song composed by Beethoven when you're first learning how to play the piano? No it isn’t, you'd learn songs like "Marry Had a Little Lamb" first and than you'd gradually learn more difficult songs. Beating the dead horse is the exact same thing, you need to know how to beat the dead fly, cat, dog, pig, and so on first. When you know how to beat those animals, beating this animal should be a piece of cake and shouldn't require an explanation.

Beating a dead fly[edit]

First off, ignore the hyperlinks in the previous thing. They were added by someone without as much extensive experience as I do.So, you gotta start on something, and dead flies are the bottom of the barrell. But you can do it kid. I believe in you. You'll be beating dead horses before you know it. First, you have to find a dead fly. You can't kill the fly yourself. That would make you a MURDERER! Your best bet would be to get your friend to kill a fly for you. Then their sinful ass will burn in Hell while you are beating dead things. If you do trick your friend into eternal damnation for your own.. needs, you still need to find flies, which are only a little more plentiful then dead flies. Horses have a lot of flies. You know what would be a good idea? What?! Seriously? That's a God awful idea. You should be ashamed of yourself. What I was thinking was that you could trick your friend into killing a fly that's on a horse. Then after it's dead, and you ask your friend kindly to leave, you can start beating that dead fly. Then, you are also practicing beating dead horses while you are beating dead flies though. Be careful however, as beating live horses is slightly more illegal, and doesn't give you nearly the rush as beating dead horses. So after you are done practicing beating dead flies, you can go find some dead.. what was next? Cat? Whatever, cat.

Beating a dead cat[edit]

This is significantly easier then the last step. If you are like me, you have dead cats all over your house. Just find one and start beating it. DONE!

Beating a dead dog[edit]

You are halfway there. How does it feel champ? But don't get cocky, dead dogs are the hardest thing you've had to beat so far. First off, people have larger issues with killing dogs then they do flies. And dead dogs aren't nearly as plentiful as dead cats. You wish. No one likes cats, so they would have killed one of them faster then the fly. Anyway, I digress. Actually, to be honest, I skipped this step. I just couldn't get past the cute look on their face. I had to kill like 47 cats to make myself feel better after seeing the one dead dog. Do this step at you own risk, you heartless bastard.

Beating a dead pig[edit]

Last one before the pig.. big. Sorry. That was just stupid of me. Big day. It's funny because we are talking about beating dead pigs now. The hardest part about beating dead pigs is that they are generally getting beaten anyway by the slaughterhouse. So you have to beat the dead pig, while it's being cut up and mixed into quality products that Spam and Aunt Sheqyua's Instant Heart Attacks. I used a frozen slab of bacon to beat the dead pigs. I just found it the most amusing. Maybe it's just me. Try not to lose any fingers, or limbs. Be warned though if you did not lose at least one limb, you obviously hadn't beaten enough dead pigs yet.

Beating the dead horse.. no, snack time[edit]

You've been beating a lot of dead things. You deserve a reward. Go home and have some cookies. Maybe take a nap. You could practice beating more things but this is break time, so so I understand if you don't want to. Ready for the big finale? Calm down champ, it's still cookie time. Christ. Ready? Ok, we've ready now.


I need to use the bathroom first. Shut up! I could go now, or in the middle of your big day.

La-di-da-di-dizz. Takin' a whizz.[edit]

Hey! Get out of here! I'm taking a piss! You aren't making this go any faster. Yeah I sing and rhyme while peeing. What's it to you? It relaxes me.

Beating a dead horse.. really now[edit]

All your training has brought you to this. You cannot fully appreciate the experience though, unless you do it yourself. I have brought you this far. Good luck!

See also[edit]