Bed bugs

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Bed bugs.


Bedbugs, also known as chamois, are hideous creatures known to infest homes and feed on the blood of unsuspecting victims. Contrary to popular belief, they are not goats. One chupacabra thought so too. Boy, was he wrong. The bedbug drank his blood!

This is a small bedbug, shown out of its natural habitat, your mom's bed.

Small Bedbugs[edit]

There are several species of small bedbug, all of which are making a comeback in North America, after being nearly destroyed with Agent Orange in the 1940s and 50s.

Small, for a bedbug, is 2-3 feet at the shoulder. This means that they can easily fit in your bed, providing they chew your feet off in order to make room for their mass. They also sometimes live under your bed. They are more or less responsible for the Doppler Effect.

Panicked conspiracy aficionados have claimed that small bedbugs are in fact "bug" aliens from planet Xyzzy. This of course is not the case. They're just paranoid loonies.

Large Bedbugs[edit]

Large bedbugs are about 10 feet at the shoulder. They are considered by most leading scientists to be bug aliens from planet Xyzzy. They are a monster nearly on level with the grue. God - or one of the people who program Zork - created them when He realized that grues didn't live in beds, mostly because they were afraid of the bedbugs that would some day infest them. Therefore, if Zork players just went to bed, they would be safe. Now they aren't. Most large bedbugs will just eat you as soon as you are asleep, much like the bogeyman and Morpheus. This is a good reason not to go to sleep. Bedbugs are the reason Samara never sleeps. Some bedbugs will not eat you as soon as you are asleep. They will telepathically project themselves into your dreams. Then they will eat you in your dreams. They do this because they want you to feel the full pain of being eaten by a bedbug.

How Can I Get Rid of Bedbugs?[edit]

“I just took a swig out of something, and then noticed that there was a large dead bug in it… Excuse me now, while I leave to gurgle brutally.”

There is no way to get rid of bedbugs. Once they attach themselves to you, they never let go. You can trade beds with someone else, although this does absolutely nothing since the bug will come and find you like a cat.

Who Would Win in a Fight, a Grue Or a Bedbug?[edit]

This is unknown as it has never been attempted, for good reason. You can set up a fight if you want, but the chances are they would not fight and just eat you instead. However, the real likelihood is that the grue would win. This is because bedbugs play Zork in their spare time.