Beef Ring

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Artists conception of the cosmic beef ring at the moment of creation.

Beef Ring is an Oesterreichan term for a regional delicacy of deep fried cow (or bull) rectums. They are served with doughnuts, sauerkraut, Rocky Mountain Oysters in a casserole topped with Frog Ejaculate. In some parts of the United States, beef rings are used as masturbatory aids. Less well endowed men and boys make do with a sheep anus, or Goatse.

Theoretical physicists and idiots speculate that beef rings have existed since the beginning of time. Experimental physicists believe that theoretical physicists are a bunch of old hippies passing the bong around, but grudgingly admit that data obtained from studying the Cosmic Background Radiation (CBR) seems to support this idea.



Beef rings were discovered in circa 3850 BC by Lugal-Zage-Si, the priest-king of Umma, Sumeria. The use of livestock as sex slaves was a priveledge permitted only to the ruling and priestly classes. As such, no scribes actually witnessed the use of beef rings, and they could not write of what they did not know. Tales of such abandonment to pleasure were passed down orally by generations of Hebrew spies. This is why Sumerians are ridiculed so harshly in the Old Testament.

Because Hellenic Ring Cults were illegal and secretive, no written records were kept of beef ring usage by the Greeks. The first references to beef rings were written by Gaius Cornelius Taciturnus (c. 56–c. - 117) in his major works—the Anals and the Histories. It was known at the time that the Greeks had a long tradition of using sheep as surrogate sex partners. In the Anals, Taciturnus writes of curcuitus bovine anus, or beef rings, being used in mandatory religious celebrations of Phallus cults, which fixated on ridiculously well-endowed men as early as 1066 BC. Emperor Domitian in 96 AD. had Taciturnus torn apart by elves, his sphincter preserved as a symbol to all who would believe Greeks had larger penises than Romans.


Sex manuals in Swedish schools encourage the safe and effective use of beef rings

The Viking age (8th to 11th centuries) was one of national unification and expansion. Vikings brought home spoils, but nothing matched the splendor of the legendary "Ring of Odin", stolen from a monastery in Cork, 1066. Word soon spread of this wonder, and chieftains vied for the honor of presenting the "Ring of Odin" to the reigning king on May Day. An emerging merchant class began to import huge numbers of ring products making them available to the common man for a weeks wage. When the Norwegian royal line died out in 1387, coinciding with a recession following the Black Plague in 1349, the thrones of Norway, Denmark, and Sweden came under the control of Queen Margrethe. Since she had no use for such things, they were outlawed throughout Scandanavia.

Swedes, Danes, Poles, but not Norwegians, historically disdain the term "beef ring", instead referring to them as Vorjodellenmachtfrieburgers. Foul smelling American tourists scour the back alleys of Scandanavian capital cities and toxic waste sites, looking for bargains shops full of Vorjodellenmachtfrieburgers. Other "outworlders" and large herds of Finns sometimes overwhelm border crossings with their plaintive cries.


The Beef Ring Industry is a multi-national, multi-trillion Euro-business, catering mostly to Scandanavians, Americans and the occasional Belgian. Huge swaths of acreage in Patagonia, Uruguay are devoted to the husbandry of beef, and to a lesser extent, sheep rings. A shadowy group, known only as "The Barn Animal Anus Wranglers Cartel", controls this agricultural nightmare. Ani are smuggled through Columbia and New Zealand to refrigerated bung hole storage facilities in Canada. From there they are shipped to Amsterdam for processing and manufacturing, a filthy, disgusting and dangerous job. Workers are coerced from Hash Bars on the waterfront to do the manual labor, primarily because no one else could possibly be as stoned, and they don't mind so much.

From The Netherlands, the raw material of beef rings called "rauwe bipsgaten" or "retegoed" is packed into bags with marijuana to mask their stench and then smuggled under the Atlantic Ocean into Burma. State of the art manufacturing plants run by government-sponsored gorillas turn out product around the clock. Finished rings are shipped UPS to private customers and petty dictatorships all over the world. Steve Jobs has tried to break into the business many times, but strict communist party doctrine has kept the round eyed dog at bay.