Beelzebub is Jesus Christ's sister. God, after realizing the potential worship he would receive from the lowly human race if he had more offspring, found a woman named Lilith. After a month of sex, God determined that Lilith was indeed pregnant with his newest and greatest child. Lilith gave birth to her daughter, Beelzebub, at the Manger Hospital in Bethlehem. Lilith, however, died in childbirth and Beelzebub was put up for adoption. Beelzebub was adopted by a kindly 300 year old couple from Israel. Beelzebub spent most of the first 13 years of her life training to be a professional pianist. That all changed the day that her parents finally told her that she was adopted. Going into a berserk rage, Beelzebub ripped off the heads of her adopted parents, and burned the corpses. In their blood (collected in bowls before the cremation, for this propose) Beelzebub wrote "I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability." Scholars believe that this moment signified the first of Beelzebub's famous "steps down the wrong path".
Beelzebub Meets Jesus
After fleeing the scene of her crime against her adopted parents, Beelzebub wandered for 40 years, eating only manna and drinking only her urine. Eventually Beelzebub came upon the city of Capernaum, and following a large crowd of people, she was lead to a giant metal floating sphere. After paying a 4 ruble entrance, Beelzebub and the people of the town all climbed up a set of stairs to the entrance, which was at the uppermost point of the sphere. Once inside they all took seats up near the top most part of the ball.
At this point in history, we are more sure of our facts, because, we have diaries and literature from Capernaum that concerns this giant metal ball. Historians believe that the ball was a spaceship, gifted to the human race by the same aliens who built the pyramids.
Getting back to the story at hand, we have many religious texts telling us that Jesus began his career as the son of God in the Gladiatorial Sphere of Capernaum. From written account we have learned that Jesus actually started his career as head of the Christian faith, as the page to one of the knights that fought in the giant sphere. One day, he forgot to bring along his masters armor, and do to a lack of time Jesus could not go back and fetch a new pair of armour. And so Jesus, as punishment, was sent to fight on horse-back in the place of his unarmored master. However, Jesus' master did not foresee that Jesus, being the son of God, would win his horse-back dual in a world record 2.11.41 seconds. Jesus went on to fight in the giant sphere as a main attraction.
On one of these occasions Beelzebub happened to be in the stands watching. From the surviving texts which recount the forthcoming marriage of Beelzebub and Jesus, we know that on this particular day Jesus was most likely fighting an entire Roman army, trained specially for this purpose. On a side note, it has been speculated that this army was actually Rome's initial response to the presence of Jesus. They later ramped up their efforts, eventually killing Jesus claiming that they were killing him for "war crimes against an entire Roman legion, whilst inside a giant metal sphere"
Needless to say that Beelzebub, upon taking her seat and seeing Jesus for the first time, fell in love with him instantly. After watching Jesus slay 4, 000, 000 men with his bare hands however, Beelzebub could barely contain her love for Jesus. After the "show" was over, Beelzebub was at the front of the line for Jesus' autograph. A written account, from a man named Luke who was behind Beelzebub in line describes the moment that Jesus and Beelzebub's eyes met for the first time as "electric". Jesus, along with his signature, also wrote a first draft of his hit single entitled "Helter Skelter". Finally Jesus also gave Beelzebub a wedding ring and asked her hand in marriage, after only knowing her for 10 minutes (it took Jesus 10 minutes to write Helter Skelter)
The Marriage of Jesus and Beelzebub
One must remember that as Jesus and Beelzebub got married they did not know that they were step-siblings. They were married on the 4th of May in the year 32 BCE. The guest list for this wedding included The Suicide Squad, The Brave Little Toaster, God (disguised as Sherlock Holmes), a large talking statue of Elvis, Marylin Monroe, and Emperor Nero.
The owner of the fine establishment in which the wedding was being held was a Jew (God anonymously rented out the wedding hall, and of course God loves Jewish penis) During Jesus and Beelzebub's wedding, this Jew, named Solomon Cohen, went from pew to pew asking people if they needed money. To this day the talking statue of Elvis owes Mr. Solomon $100,000,000. The wedding ceremony was conducted all in Elvish, which at that point in time was known as "Anal Rape". The wedding seemed to be going well, until the Master of Ceremonies (MC) asked "Clitoris penis vagina?", which translates as "If anyone here has any reason why this penis and this vagina should not be joined in holy child-making, let them speak now." At this point God stood up, and casting aside his Sherlock Holmes disguise bellowed "Lap-dance!" which means, in English, "They's be my childrun! They's canna be's married, bitch!". Both Jesus and Beelzebub turned around, in the customary slow motion, and gaped, mouths open and askew, in shear horror at God. They then both ran for the door, and dived, in slow motion again, into the street. Once in the street the couple bounced to their feet and beat a hasty retreat.
Of the love of Jesus and Beelzebub
Jesus had recognized God from the crude images of him drawn on vases, and so knew that he and his bride would have to go into hiding before God could return to his Watchtower. As Jesus conveyed his idea, that the he and Beelzebub would hide in Hell, an underground housing complex which was newly constructed, because since Hell was underground God could not control it. Beelzebub however formulated a plan of her own. Beelzebub planned for the two of them to go to the one place which God would never look, God's own Watchtower. Jesus agreed to the idea, and the couple ran off together into the sunset.
Jesus and Beelzebub arrived at the Watchtower, and using Beelzebub's skinny fingers where able to pick the lock. Once they entered the tower Jesus stood watch at the entrance, while Beelzebub looked around for a good hiding place. Beelzebub searched in every room, until she found a God's main control room. The room was full of buttons and screens. Upon finding a which seemed rather newer then the other buttons, and thus not worn down considerably. Beelzebub, being a curious young lady pressed the button, and in the distance she heard what sounded like sizzling. Beelzebub, not wishing to tip God off to her and her lover's hiding place, telepathically radioed Jesus. The two of them met at a broom closet. By this time Beelzebub was really horny, so she straddled his big hairy black cock and took him for the ride of his life. She then proceeded to drink his gallons of jizz and let him fuck her brains out. Her tits were huge. He love it. Wiping off her face, Beelzebub thanked Jesus, and the two of them settled in for a nap. Needless to say, later that night God came back from patrol, and upon looking in his third floor closet found his two children.
The Punishment of Jesus and Beelzebub
It turned out that Jesus had impregnated Beelzebub, and God could not even imagine the amount of ridicule that he would receive if the other deities found out about. So God transferred the baby into the future, and that baby became Freddy Mercury. Now God would have to punish his children. Jesus was sent back to earth, because Jesus was a man. Beelzebub, however, was a woman, and thus more blame was to be put upon her. And so God attached two penises to Beelzebub's head, these penises are commonly drawn as horns when erect, and banished Beelzebub to Hell, where she was made landlord. However, the shiny new button that Beelzebub pressed (remember the one that made the sizzling noise?) had overloaded the heating system in Hell, and had lit on fire. Even today the fire has not gone out.
Beelzebub has recently been allowed to come to the surface in order to star in movies and invent objects. Here are some little known facts about Beelzebub.
- Beelzebub played Darth Vader in all 8 Star Wars movies
- Beelzebub invented Europe.
- Beelzebub is the mother of Keith Richards.
- Freddy Mercury now lives with his mom, in Hell.
- Beelzebub has a nice penthouse in Hell.
Sources used in order to create this Article:
- An Interview with Beelzebub by Steve Jobs (1977)
- Helter Skelter Jesus (released on his album "The Gospel of Beelzebub")
- The Gospel of Aldolph by Adolph Hitler (2003)
- Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson by G. I. Gurdjieff