Ben Berrios

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search


Ben Berrios was born on July 13, 1981 (Truthfulness of this birth year has been debated in recent days. See: Jackson 5 rumors below). He was one of only two Oompah Loompahs born that year, apart from those born in loompahland. Being born an Oompah Loompah is exceptionally rare, and it is more likely to be born an albino conjoined twin with six fingers on each hand. Ben Berrios is tall for an Oompah Loompah, reaching a lofty height of 4'2" (making him fall one inch short of being able to ride in a car without the use of a booster seat). Ben spends most of his spare time as the Urban Director at WNYO, "Wily New York Oompahs". Many know him for his famous rants that are so sophisticated that only Ben understands what they truly mean. Ben also enjoys downloading porn and singing to his favorite rap songs. Ben resides in Syracuse, New York. He is also a descendant of the legendary civil war general Ulysses S. Berrios. On February 14th 2007, Ben made sweet sweet love to his valentine Jessica Simpson, but only in his dreams. He woke to find O.J. Simpson in bed next to him. "The glove didn't fit" ~O.J. to Ben. The two best words to describe Ben Berrios are short and angry. His social security number is 143-43-7243. Ben enjoys romantic candle lit diabetic dinners, short walks on the beach, the white rapper show, Oreos and excessively violent threats. His breath is listed as the second deadliest silent killer behind only carbon monoxide. This is a fairly confusing listing as carbon monoxide is called a silent killer because it is odorless, while Ben's breath can be smelt from over 40 yards away. Ben's famous Jackson 5 impersonations have been a full-proof way of getting female oompah's in that lovin mood. Recent finding may prove that Ben was actually a member of Jackson 5.

The legendary Ulysses S. Berrios
Ben, in happier times after escaping the chocolate factory.

Life as an Oompah Loompah[edit]

The perfect size car for an oompah loompah

Life as an Oompah Loompah for anyone is difficult, but Ben Berrios is one of the ones that have it the hardest. Among a tall Oompah Loompahs he is taunted consistently with jabs such as "How is the weather up there?" and "Careful, don't step on me!" Among the ranks of people of normal height he is taunted with "How is the weather down there?", "Careful, I almost stepped on you!" and his least favorite "Hey Ben, I hate you because you are shorter then me." It is also difficult for him to reach things such as things on tall shelves, tables (unless he has his high chair) and the heads of large and medium sized dogs. The thing that haunts Ben the most about his past is his time enslaved at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. The work was hard and the hours were long. Ben was forced to spend hour after hour mixing chocolate and taste testing nerds. The frequent nerd tasting caused to Ben to develop OLD (Oompah Loompah Diabetes), which he remains afflicted with to this very day (though he is working "hard" on a cure). When he had to be removed from the candy scene due to his illness Wonka forced him to join his special Oompah Loompah assassin strike force. The training to be in the task force is exceptionally difficult and nearly half of those enrolled in the training die before the first week is over. The missions that Ben went on were exceptionally difficult, and lesser Oompahs probably would have perished. Most of his missions are still classified. It is rumored that his speciality is turning people into blueberries with Willy Wonka's defective full meal gum.

Ben disguised as a gorilla in order to get out of the chocolate factory unseen. In this costume, Ben closely resembles his cousin, Donkey Kong Berrios. It pretty much proves that oompahs evolved from apes.

Oompah Loompah Uprising[edit]

Ben was the leader of the famous Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000. While the details of what happened are sketchy, what we do know is that Ben was able to get himself and 25-50 of his fellow Oompah Loompahs out of the chocolate factory. Willy Wonka originally tried to bring his Oompahs back, but later gave up and refuses to acknowledge the incident as does his best customer for Oompah Loompah assassinations, the US Government.


Life After Escape[edit]

In need of money, Ben went back to work at other factories, but they brought up bad memories. First, Ben found employement at a tomato sauce factory. He quit after several altercations with a co-worker who mocked his oompah status. Ben would then be hired at a beer bottling plant. He refused to smuggle out free beer for his friends because the joy the alcohol would give them would just be wrong. Ben says no fun should ever come from his working at a "slave labor camp." Ben left because he was even tempted in partaking of the evil lager. After several jobs, Ben decided to enroll at Oswego State University in order to find a career that would be far away from the factories that haunt him so much.

Ben's pork product of choice, well bologna is mostly pork.. IT'S TERRIBLE

Diet[edit]

The diet of an ordinary Oompah Loompah is mostly chocolate, candy, and the flesh of living kittens. However because he has OLD, Ben has a diet that is different. It consists of about 80% pork products with the remaining 20% being made up of oreos to satisfy the sweet tooth that all Oompah Loompahs are cursed with. However, Ben does not hunt prey for the pork he loves so much. Unfortunately because of the OLD and other concerns he just does not have the body type to hunt down pigs. Therefore, Ben has had to find other alternatives, including Kraft Bologna. In a blatant disregard for its intended use, Ben has been know to use orange juice as a weapon. The most famous action, "Operation Orange Crush Baumler", on November 7, 2006, almost provoked Baumler to call Willy Wonka with Ben's whereabouts. Thankfully, the two sides cooled, and Ben was just lucky it wasn't mustard. Ben is also known for drinking very cheap rum, vodka, and beer. One time, in a state of confusion, Ben ate decorative soaps. This is how he first learned that soap exists, though he is still clueless as to how to actually use it.

New findings suggest Ben was a member of Jackson 5. Because oompahs all age differently it is unclear which member Ben may have been, if any.

Jackson 5 Rumors[edit]

BREAKING NEWS On March 11th, 2007, WTOP 10's Eric "Blue Hat" Adler uncovered strong evidence that Ben may have been a member of Jackson 5. This of course would mean Ben has been lying about his birth year of 1981. Infact, Hat found evidence that Ben was born in 1961. Apparently Ben left for the Jackson 5 after several attempts to graduate from high school. However, the bitter falling out of the group forced Ben to join witness protection which landed him at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Rumors are Ben couldn't handle the intense pressure of the media, so he bolted into hiding. Ben has strongly rejected these rumors, and claims he is only a loyal fan of the Jackson 5. Ben believes evidence pinning his birth year to 1961 are completed fabricated, and "GARBAGE!"

Classic Ben Quotes (AKA OOMPAHISMS)[edit]

Ben Berrios has said almost as many things as there are Oscar Wilde quotes. Here's some of the best:

“The only bad thing about this computer is that I don't get viruses."”

~ Ben Berrios on his broken computer

“Listen...”

~ Ben Berrios on absolutely nothing, followed by absolutely nothing

“That's GARBAGE!!!!”

~ Ben Berrios on everything

“I'm gonna cut you down to my height with a chainsaw.”

~ Ben Berrios on being looked up at

“I'm Oprah's number one fan!”

“For once, Chris is always right.”

“I've know you for a year and a half."”

~ Ben Berrios on someone he knew for 6 months

“I don't know when I'm leaving yet. Either Friday afternoon or Friday evening, whichever comes first.”

“Hey Pat, the Chiefs are getting shut out, they are losing 34 to 7.”

~ Ben Berrios on attempting to host a sports radio show

“I am a gorilla.”

“I am as short as I am difficult.”

~ Ben Berrios on being an Oompah Loompah

“You can call me the jamacian bald Oompah if you do not call me brillo pad anymore.”

~ Ben Berrios on record admitting his touchy feelings that he had to shave his beautiful green oompah hair when escaping the chocolate factory.

“Oompah loompah dupity don't.”

~ Ben Berrios on doing stuff

“You know what I'm sayin?”

~ Ben Berrios on talking to himself

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

~ Ben Berrios on finding something out of place in his studio

“Each day gets a little better, actually it's worse, but it's better.”

~ Ben Berrios on life as an oompah loompah

“Because I'm playing Knights and not drinking....that much."”

“It's like beating a dead horse, it's dead!”

~ Ben Berrios on biology

“The Lakers have a good shot at going half way through the SUNYAC tournament.”

~ Ben Berrios on the local hockey team having a bye that gets them halfway through the tournament.

“Yeah! Tiger Woods! The Gopher!"”

~ Ben Berrios on his favorite sport, golf

“I don't say 'the' A lot, you fucking idiot!”

~ Ben Berrios on parking

“Everybody goes to the gay bar once, you wanna know what's going on in there.”

~ Ben Berrios on what's going on in there

“I wish I was as tall as Mr. T.”

~ Ben Berrios on Mr. T

“Yo, you remember that day he got kidnapped for like three days? ”

~ Ben Berrios on the space-time continuum

“I've been hung over since yesterday.”

~ Ben Berrios on when he started drinking

“Chris, listen...continue. ”

~ Ben Berrios on giving a lecture

“That wasn't a New York Meltdown, that was Nuclear Fall Out”

~ Ben Berrios on The New York Giants

“Tom Brady makes Steve Young look like Malcom X”

~ Ben Berrios on Steve Young

“Apparently your jokes are a little far-sighted.”

~ Ben Berrios on things that are parallel and make sense

“I figured I'd use my intellect for something.”

~ Ben Berrios on delusions of grandeur

“I am not a fucking mood killer.”

~ Ben Berrios on lying

“You mean you have more then mitochondria.”

~ Ben Berrios on On having friends

“Aren't isn't a word.”

~ Ben Berrios on large vocabularies

“He's gonna go kill a duck.”

~ Ben Berrios on cancer

“When you can make fun of yourself it's awesome.”

~ Ben Berrios on self confidence

“That's HORNY baby! ”

~ Ben Berrios on the use of tiger penises as aphrodisiacs in the far away land of china

“You can't bait me sideburns. ”

“Well (pause) I see time hasn't dulled your wit(spoken slow as hell).”

“You can't out epic me!”

~ Ben Berrios on not realizing he is so damn short

“Looks like the wheels are in motion, he might actually be leaving soon.”

~ Ben Berrios on coming back to his room six hours after his roommate moved out

“How much piss could a piss piss piss if a could piss piss piss piss piss. ”

“I never ate any decorative soap. ”

~ Ben Berrios on missing the point

“Tomorrow is Friday. ”

~ Ben Berrios on Friday

“I know, I make a better door than a mirror. ”

~ Ben Berrios on sayings that are common in the english language

“The thing about the #16 seeds (pause) is they they always win. I mean (pause) it's crazy."”

~ Ben Berrios on 16 seeds in the NCAA Tournament, who have an all-time record of 0-90.

“Would I make a better Tito or Jermaine Jackson?"”

~ Ben Berrios on asking his friends to give him feedback on his Jackson 5 acts.

Reviews of Ben's WTOP Talk Show "Late Night With Oompah!"[edit]

“It's like watching a retard shit himself.”

~ Ryan Maloney, WTOP Sports Reporter/WNYO Talk Show Host

External Links[edit]

OOMPAH FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED

Ben Berrios describing himself

Ben Berrios a member of Jackson 5?