Ben Berrios was born on July 13, 1981 (Truthfulness of this birth year has been debated in recent days. See: Jackson 5 rumors below). He was one of only two Oompah Loompahs born that year, apart from those born in loompahland. Being born an Oompah Loompah is exceptionally rare, and it is more likely to be born an albino conjoined twin with six fingers on each hand. Ben Berrios is tall for an Oompah Loompah, reaching a lofty height of 4'2" (making him fall one inch short of being able to ride in a car without the use of a booster seat). Ben spends most of his spare time as the Urban Director at WNYO, "Wily New York Oompahs". Many know him for his famous rants that are so sophisticated that only Ben understands what they truly mean. Ben also enjoys downloading porn and singing to his favorite rap songs. Ben resides in Syracuse, New York. He is also a descendant of the legendary civil war general Ulysses S. Berrios. On February 14th 2007, Ben made sweet sweet love to his valentine Jessica Simpson, but only in his dreams. He woke to find O.J. Simpson in bed next to him. "The glove didn't fit" ~O.J. to Ben. The two best words to describe Ben Berrios are short and angry. His social security number is 143-43-7243. Ben enjoys romantic candle lit diabetic dinners, short walks on the beach, the white rapper show, Oreos and excessively violent threats. His breath is listed as the second deadliest silent killer behind only carbon monoxide. This is a fairly confusing listing as carbon monoxide is called a silent killer because it is odorless, while Ben's breath can be smelt from over 40 yards away. Ben's famous Jackson 5 impersonations have been a full-proof way of getting female oompah's in that lovin mood. Recent finding may prove that Ben was actually a member of Jackson 5.
Life as an Oompah Loompah
Life as an Oompah Loompah for anyone is difficult, but Ben Berrios is one of the ones that have it the hardest. Among a tall Oompah Loompahs he is taunted consistently with jabs such as "How is the weather up there?" and "Careful, don't step on me!" Among the ranks of people of normal height he is taunted with "How is the weather down there?", "Careful, I almost stepped on you!" and his least favorite "Hey Ben, I hate you because you are shorter then me." It is also difficult for him to reach things such as things on tall shelves, tables (unless he has his high chair) and the heads of large and medium sized dogs. The thing that haunts Ben the most about his past is his time enslaved at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. The work was hard and the hours were long. Ben was forced to spend hour after hour mixing chocolate and taste testing nerds. The frequent nerd tasting caused to Ben to develop OLD (Oompah Loompah Diabetes), which he remains afflicted with to this very day (though he is working "hard" on a cure). When he had to be removed from the candy scene due to his illness Wonka forced him to join his special Oompah Loompah assassin strike force. The training to be in the task force is exceptionally difficult and nearly half of those enrolled in the training die before the first week is over. The missions that Ben went on were exceptionally difficult, and lesser Oompahs probably would have perished. Most of his missions are still classified. It is rumored that his speciality is turning people into blueberries with Willy Wonka's defective full meal gum.
Oompah Loompah Uprising
Ben was the leader of the famous Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000. While the details of what happened are sketchy, what we do know is that Ben was able to get himself and 25-50 of his fellow Oompah Loompahs out of the chocolate factory. Willy Wonka originally tried to bring his Oompahs back, but later gave up and refuses to acknowledge the incident as does his best customer for Oompah Loompah assassinations, the US Government.
Life After Escape
In need of money, Ben went back to work at other factories, but they brought up bad memories. First, Ben found employement at a tomato sauce factory. He quit after several altercations with a co-worker who mocked his oompah status. Ben would then be hired at a beer bottling plant. He refused to smuggle out free beer for his friends because the joy the alcohol would give them would just be wrong. Ben says no fun should ever come from his working at a "slave labor camp." Ben left because he was even tempted in partaking of the evil lager. After several jobs, Ben decided to enroll at Oswego State University in order to find a career that would be far away from the factories that haunt him so much.
The diet of an ordinary Oompah Loompah is mostly chocolate, candy, and the flesh of living kittens. However because he has OLD, Ben has a diet that is different. It consists of about 80% pork products with the remaining 20% being made up of oreos to satisfy the sweet tooth that all Oompah Loompahs are cursed with. However, Ben does not hunt prey for the pork he loves so much. Unfortunately because of the OLD and other concerns he just does not have the body type to hunt down pigs. Therefore, Ben has had to find other alternatives, including Kraft Bologna. In a blatant disregard for its intended use, Ben has been know to use orange juice as a weapon. The most famous action, "Operation Orange Crush Baumler", on November 7, 2006, almost provoked Baumler to call Willy Wonka with Ben's whereabouts. Thankfully, the two sides cooled, and Ben was just lucky it wasn't mustard. Ben is also known for drinking very cheap rum, vodka, and beer. One time, in a state of confusion, Ben ate decorative soaps. This is how he first learned that soap exists, though he is still clueless as to how to actually use it.
Jackson 5 Rumors
BREAKING NEWS On March 11th, 2007, WTOP 10's Eric "Blue Hat" Adler uncovered strong evidence that Ben may have been a member of Jackson 5. This of course would mean Ben has been lying about his birth year of 1981. Infact, Hat found evidence that Ben was born in 1961. Apparently Ben left for the Jackson 5 after several attempts to graduate from high school. However, the bitter falling out of the group forced Ben to join witness protection which landed him at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Rumors are Ben couldn't handle the intense pressure of the media, so he bolted into hiding. Ben has strongly rejected these rumors, and claims he is only a loyal fan of the Jackson 5. Ben believes evidence pinning his birth year to 1961 are completed fabricated, and "GARBAGE!"
Classic Ben Quotes (AKA OOMPAHISMS)
Ben Berrios has said almost as many things as there are Oscar Wilde quotes. Here's some of the best:
“The only bad thing about this computer is that I don't get viruses."”
“I'm gonna cut you down to my height with a chainsaw.”
“I'm Oprah's number one fan!”
“For once, Chris is always right.”
“I've know you for a year and a half."”
“I don't know when I'm leaving yet. Either Friday afternoon or Friday evening, whichever comes first.”
“Hey Pat, the Chiefs are getting shut out, they are losing 34 to 7.”
“I am a gorilla.”
“I am as short as I am difficult.”
“You can call me the jamacian bald Oompah if you do not call me brillo pad anymore.”
“Oompah loompah dupity don't.”
“You know what I'm sayin?”
“Each day gets a little better, actually it's worse, but it's better.”
“Because I'm playing Knights and not drinking....that much."”
“It's like beating a dead horse, it's dead!”
“The Lakers have a good shot at going half way through the SUNYAC tournament.”
“I don't say 'the' A lot, you fucking idiot!”
“Everybody goes to the gay bar once, you wanna know what's going on in there.”
“I wish I was as tall as Mr. T.”
“Yo, you remember that day he got kidnapped for like three days? ”
“I've been hung over since yesterday.”
“Chris, listen...continue. ”
“That wasn't a New York Meltdown, that was Nuclear Fall Out”
“Tom Brady makes Steve Young look like Malcom X”
“Apparently your jokes are a little far-sighted.”
“I figured I'd use my intellect for something.”
“I am not a fucking mood killer.”
“You mean you have more then mitochondria.”
“Aren't isn't a word.”
“He's gonna go kill a duck.”
“When you can make fun of yourself it's awesome.”
“That's HORNY baby! ”
“You can't bait me sideburns. ”
“Well (pause) I see time hasn't dulled your wit(spoken slow as hell).”
“You can't out epic me!”
“Looks like the wheels are in motion, he might actually be leaving soon.”
“How much piss could a piss piss piss if a could piss piss piss piss piss. ”
“I never ate any decorative soap. ”
“Tomorrow is Friday. ”
“I know, I make a better door than a mirror. ”
“The thing about the #16 seeds (pause) is they they always win. I mean (pause) it's crazy."”
“Would I make a better Tito or Jermaine Jackson?"”
Reviews of Ben's WTOP Talk Show "Late Night With Oompah!"
“It's like watching a retard shit himself.”