Ben Mitchell

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Stop hand.png Stop! In the name of love!
Before you break my heart.

“Go forth my minions! KILL! KILL MY ENEMIES! and bring back some milk. Then KILL some more!”

~ Ben Mitchell on addressing the Legions of Terror in March 2006
This is not a picture of Ben. Gosh!

Although he had many shortcomings early in life, Ben Mitchell is credited as the only member of the Green Party to ever actually participate in the U.S. Government. Ben has also helped to coin the phrase "Ben, Where Are You?" and has recently become the subject of a Top 40 album of the same name.

Early Life[edit]

Birth and Training[edit]

Ben was born in the year 945 an illegimate child of Socrates, Elvis, and an unusually large Lemur. Worried that their secret would get out, both Elvis and Socrates agreed to unceremoniusly dump the child into the Euphrates River. Fortunately for all, a wandering monk found him on the banks of the river and raised him as his magic apprentice. Ben continued his tae-kwon-do training and transfiguration lessons until the monk died during an unfortunate boating accident involving crumpets, Muslims, and a roll of toilet paper, leaving Ben alone again. His fury would lead him to single-handedly destroy the remains of the Eastern Roman Empire, and the Christians of the First Crusade.

Teenage Years[edit]

Without anyone to guide him, Ben went to live in the Rocky Mountains for two hundred years. At some point during this time, Ben is believed to have used his magic powers to create the first muffin. The Cheekawikawaas, a tribe of half-man/half-Furby beings that lived near his cave, were given the muffin as a gift. Upon eating Ben's muffin, the chief of the tribe gained the ability to fly, speak in tongues and eat Reese's for breakfast. The tribe grew to worship Ben as a god, and he ruled justly and fairly. However, by the year 1300 it is believed that Ben grew bored and killed them all in a massive tide of fire and muffin mix.

Once his tribe had been destroyed, Ben moved to Hogwarts to continue his magical training, but was sidetracked when he ran out of rupees to pay for his studies. Luckily, he was able to finish wizarding school by pole dancing in a local bar.

The Beginning of Adult Life[edit]

In The Slums[edit]

After his wizarding training was finished, Ben moved to Barbados. However, his powers slowly drove him mad; by 1436, Ben had become addicted to crack, meth and country music, all at the same time. He often would send his middle man, Christopher Columbus, to America and back to Spain just so that he could get his drugs and Willie Nelson albums. Eventually, Columbus sold Ben out to the fuzz, and Ben was forced into hiding. This event is commerated in the classic rhyme, "In 1492, Columbus fucking backstabbed Ben... blue."

A Crisis At Hand[edit]

However, the world was in dire need of Ben, for a prophecy stating that he would defeat the Spanish Armada had been written. As this was a matter of utmost importance, the world began to search for Ben. Cries of "Ben, where are you?" were heard on every street corner. And in 1588, Ben finally agreed to return and defeat the Armada with his magic powers.

The fight was tremendous. Scholars of the age record that ben stood in the watter, pelting the Spanish ships with molten muffin mix, and assorted condiments. The Spanish, unable to assaile Ben, were forced to retreat with heavy casualties. Ben did however, suffer minor injuries in the battle, and procede to conjure the storm that would destroy the remnants of the armada on the way back to Spain. It would not be the last time that Ben would demonstrate such powers.

But by the time he arrived in Portugal after the defeat, tradgedy struck: The readers of the prophecy discovered that they had misinterpreted the ancient scrolls; Peyton Manning, not Ben, should have been the one to defeat the Spanish Armada. Still facing charges for the illegal transportation and use of over 150 illegal drugs, along with the murder of six hundred and seventy four (674) Cheekawikawaas, Ben now faced charges of wrongly completing a prophecy. He was thrown into Alcatraz prison, where he remained until his miraculous escape in 1779. Untill then however, he recorded over fourty-seven (47) different escape attempts, before he thought to suffocate jail guards with semi-solid half baked muffin mix.

War With France[edit]

In 1797, Ben settled in Germany, and took control of the area. (Important historic note: Ben would allways view himself as a German, through the rest of his life, minus a short strech from 1939-1945) At this period in history, Napoleon Bonapart was also gaining power in nearby France. It was inevitable that these two burgeoning superpowers would meed, and they did. Each general competed for allies. Ben chose Julius Caesar, Satan, and a Jew. Napoleon chose Chuck Norris (Karate Kommando).

Battle of Austerlitz[edit]

(Important historical note: The account of the battle of Austerlitz that modern man knows has been altered to protect the innocent- this is the true story) The climactic battle in which the German and French armies met was called the Battle of Austerlitz. Innitially, the forces of Ben, (commanded by Satan) advanced across a frozen lake, and threatened the French, occupying a hill. Although in a better strategic situation, the French could not withstand their nature, and surrendered immediatly. However, at this point in the battle, Chuck Norris arived, and saved the French line, by round-house kicking Napoleon in the face, and taking control of the French army. He then single-handedly re-took the hill. (A battle reporter's skech of this situation showes Chuck Norris performing eight (8) roundhouse kicks a second- it would survive the battle, and be used in the modern day as a plan for a helicopter). Chuck Norris stared down the German troops untill they exploded, and then roundhouse kicked Satan in the face, expelling him from earth as easly as Saint Michael. At this point, Ben's Jew, (Herbert Hein-stien-burg) saw what was happening, and advised Ben to retreat to China, and buy stock in Betty Crocker cooking, shortly before being roundhouse kicked in the face.


Ben fled to China immediatly. Upon arriving, he conjured the Great Wall out of thin air, in order to stop Chuck Norris, who had stopped to take part in the assassination of Ben's only remaining compatriot, Julius Caesar. When Chuck Norris arrived, the wall failed miserably. It is speculated that, had Ben made the wall from Muffin mix, it would have met with more success. At this point, Chuck Norris met Ben. They talked for many days, until Ben said something that offended Chuck Norris. At this point, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Ben in the face, killing Ben instantly. However, Ben's body fell back to earth in less then a year, landing in Australia. Local Aborigines found trace ammounts of muffin mix on Ben's body however, and infused his body with it. In supreme irony, (to Frankenstien) Ben's creation saved his life, also granting him eternal youth, and immortality. Ben would later hunt down Chuck Norris, transform him into a baby, and eat him. He would also search for and eradicade the rest of Chuck Norris's family. (See Ben Mitchell Conspiracy: The Hindenburg Cover-up Walden Books, (c) William Bergesch)

The Later Years[edit]

After several decades of peace, Ben enrolled at Harvard and received a degree in Eating Babies. He became the first and only professor at the school in 1823, where he still teaches to this day.

Ten years after graduating from Harvard, Ben muddled in Maine's government as a member of the Green Party, a cult of environment-obsessed nutjobs. His most important accomplishment occured in 1845, when Ben proposed the invention of Aroostook County as a border between Maine and Canada. When asked where the funding would be for such an expensive operation, Ben simply conjured Aroostook out of thin air. Aroostook has not legally been declared part of either Maine or Canada and is often assumed to be part of both.

Ben was elected to the United States Senate in 1876 and is still in office.

Ben currently resides in a beach house in Dubai under the identity of Michael Jackson with his wife, his other wife, his husband and their collective 17 children, most of whom he ate upon their arrival.

The Great Crusade[edit]

In March of 2006, Ben pooled funds for a massive world-wide strike on a small but potent political groupe of Muslim communists, calling themselves the Allahit-beauro. Ben journeyed to Japan to meditate with Buddhist monks and Tony Danza, before ordering his minions in his famous speech. (see top of article)

Ben would accomplish eradication of this sect by, although he had alloted a massive ammount of money, using all funds and manpower to create a homemade fertilizer bomb (see Anarchist's Cookbook 2004) the size of Cleavland. The rest is history.

The Very Minor Crusade[edit]

Ben did not perpetrate a "minor" crusade. This late 90s boy band is for some reason often associated with Ben. (reason unknown)

Ben's Muffins[edit]

Recently Ben bought 51% of the stock in the Betty Crocker cooking company, making him the new majority owner. Ben has changed its name to "Benny Mitchell's Muffin Factory", where Ben has begun producing his magic muffin mix. Rumors that this financial move is a plot to take over the Earth have been denied.

Benny Mitchell muffins can be bought in a store near you.