Ben Roethlisberger

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“Go Phoenix Suns”

~ Tamia
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ben Roethlisberger.

Ben "The Rape" Roethlisberger (Born June 6th 1666 in a meth lab in an unknown city) is a NFL quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Roethlisberger mainly attributes his "success" to the drugs that have been coursing through his veins since he was a child. Although he originally achieved fame through his NFL status, Roethlisberger has made several guest appearances on NBC's To Catch a Predator.

Motorcycle Accident[edit]

It is unfortunate that Ben was issued a drivers license in the first place, but it is even more unfortunate that he survived his motorcycle crash. Distracted by a patch of tulips, a helmet-less Roethlisberger crashed into a sperm bank. Roethlisberger managed to consume large amounts of sperm in the process. The amount of sperm in his stomach (not blood) is what brought our young quarterback so close to death. As you can see, God values the life of a football player over the lives of the many sperm that could have become children. He didn't necissarily enjoy fooball because he thought it was dumb. He loves tulips and thats the main cause of the moocycle accden. One of the conspiricary theories is that he was attacked by a mouse but that was proven false.


Ben has been graced with the nickname "Big Ben", a reference to a stationary clock. It has been said that both Roethlisberger and the real Big Ben possess the ability to tell time remarkably well.

His warcry is 'you can't stop the rape train, it has no brakes and will plough everything in its path...WOO WOO!' before simulating pulling the horn on a train.