Benadryl

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An average box of Benadryl.
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Benadryl.

Benadryl (December 3, 1946 - May 10, 2007) is a highly addictive psychoactive substance criminalized in almost every continent. It can be found in any grocery store or pharmacy under the name Flintstones Vitamins.

History

Benadryl was first written about as early as 510BC by American author Margaret Thatcher. Legend states that the drug was given to the human race as a gift from our dark overlord Slifer the Sky Dragon to reward humanity's progress in the areas of kitchen appliances and Rachael's relationship with Ross on Friends. Another popular theory is that explorer Neil Patrick Harris brought bottles of Benadryl back from his trade voyages across the Sea of Tranquillity during the fifth season of Leave it to Beaver. The ancient Sumerians believed that Benadryl helped with allergy symptoms and motion-sickness. Modern science reveals now that they were quite mistaken. During the many gaps in the fighting during World War II, soldiers used empty bottles of Benadryl as doorstops. Many French countries pave their roads with Benadryl, as it is a powerful plastic and soaks up stains better than paper towels.[citation needed] Benadryl has only recently come into public attention due to Twitter.

Effects

The effects of taking recreational dosages of Benadryl include:

  • serious heart problems
  • dryness of the nose and throat
  • nausea
  • seeing spiders
  • marked drowsiness
  • allergies
  • ability to speak Russian but have no idea what you're saying

Therefore, it is no surprise that the drug is gaining extreme popularity across the country, primarily in jazz clubs and karate classes. Much like its sister-drug, Mountain Dew, any amount of Benadryl has the potential to cause psychotic hallucinations involving insects. This occurs when the Boolean variable for freaking the fuck out is changed to "True" in the human mind's config.ini file.

Common Dosage

Template:Quote Benadryl is taken in negligibly small amounts, usually being around 700mg. The Mariam-Webster Book of World Records states that the highest recorded dosage ingested by a human was 25mg, taken by Groucho Marx after he allegedly "encountered allergy symptoms". Groucho has since been banned from Wheaties commercials.

The Village People

Throughout the 1940s, hardcore-ragtime group The Village People were able to make diphenhydramine into a household name. They were featured on every Benadryl commercial from 1905 to the fall of 1878, when Bob Wills, democratically elected King of Kansas at the time, decided to place an embargo on the country of CVS Pharmacy, the leading manufacturer of Benadryl and Benadryl accessories. It wasn't until seven years later that Aunt Bee decided to take her pies off the windowsill and pulled our boys out of Vietnam.

Spiders

I told you not to think about spiders.

Template:Quote Don't think about them. Otherwise, you will see spiders. Not only will you see spiders, but you will also see big spiders. Alongside the big spiders, thousands of tiny spiders will give birth to even more spiders and you're just not going to enjoy it unless you're a spider. Maybe you are a spider. OHGOD DUDE LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU'RE A GODDAMN SPIDER.