SL Benfica

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Benfica's logo.

“Our greatness is obvious. We have a concrete bowl, they have a toilet.”

“We will win 15-0.”

~ Benfica on every game

Sport Lisboa e Benfica, roughly translated to Cocky Disrespectful Lisboans United; and also taken to mean Sporting Lamps Eating Benfica or simply Benfas, are, apparently, the only football club consisting of cunts in Portugal, and thus the world. They are thought of to have took out every other club during the Great Ego Inflation of 2002. Rumours of a third club in Portugal persist, though SLB dispute this as merely a poor dining club.

Even when there were other football clubs — and when O Glorioso admitted there were other clubs — Benfica never really paid attention to them, as they kept thinking that the 1962 Benfica side reincarnated (yeah, we hear that every year) will simply steamroller every other team, barely having to turn up.


Pre 1960[edit]

More titles than Sporting, FC Porto and all the other clubs combined.

The 60's[edit]

Salazar was a Sporting fan and admitted to being one and a Belenenses fan. Dispite all this nay say he still had the secret political police beat up Eusébio when he wanted to leave Benfica for a foreign club. Salazar would only have the national song Fado and cheap low taxed wine to distract the common peasants from national affairs.

The 70's[edit]

Still have more titles than Sporting and Porto combined, unfortunatly wine taxation kicked in, Eusébio was turned into a bronze statue by Darth Vader and people somehow got hold of records with proper music.

The 80's[edit]

Dominated until someone named Pinto da Costa aka Don Corleone of football arrives at Porto, Benfica still doesn't cheat but starts losing even though they try harder each time.

The 90's[edit]

Magically FC Porto who were minnows of Portugal start to win by getting goals that are truly offside, no real penalties and illegal goal scoring to win throughout the 90's and their fans still bitch about nothing. It was impossible to bring back Salazar as a zombie so the situation could not be rectified. This has a pronounced ego trip effect making all Benfica supporters eat lots of sardines and get boozed up on cheap beer just before beating up their spouses. An activity now known as "post match wind down".


Benfica still doesn't cheat and can't win regularly against FC Porto corruption. The new stadium still does not have enough power to electrify Salazar back to a zombified state. Porto corruption surpassed Benfica and all the other league clubs combined in international titles. This is known as the big "Oops!" moment. Benfica supporters always called FC Porto a regional club and started calling it the Club Of The State mainly because FC Porto is protected by Portuguese corrupt government and corrupt justice. Not being able to win anything Benfica decided to build a bigger house to display their old dusty trophy collection and now dedicate a lot of time to other sports and having President Vale e Azevedo arrested for the shite results. Benfica is still the club with more important titles in Portugal despite FC Porto corruption every year.

Benfica Legends[edit]

  • Eusébio - Benfica's all time goalscorer, and one of the best players in the world of all time. Scored 317 times out of 301 games. Nicknamed the "Pantera Negra", black panther. He is a symbol of the club. He spent all his money on prostitutes and alchool. To show the grandiosity of the club, and symbolize the types of supporters Benfica has, who could be better than a guy who can't even speak perfect portuguese?
  • João Vieira Pinto - A brilliant player, played with Benfica for most of his career, 8 years. At Benfica, he won one league and we cups. Played for Portugal 83 times, hitting the back of the net no more than 23 times. One of the best players of time and was part of the Portuguese 'Golden Generation' which won the Under 20 World Cup in 1989 and 1991. After Benfica, he played in Sporting... and says it was the worst club in which he played. Simultaneously with football, he was undertaking a careers in both diving and boxing.
  • Rui Costa - Another player of the Portuguese Golden Generation. Rui was a brilliant number 10, one of the best in the world. Also played for Fiorentina and AC Milan, where he won a Champions League. He retired at the end of the 2007/2008 season and is now the director of football for the club. He had sex with Nuno Gomes... but it was only once, so I guess it's ok.
  • Michel Preud'homme - One of the best goalkeepers of all time, won the first Lev Yashin trophy for best goalkeeper in 1994, a goalkeeper who will always be remembered.

Estádio da Luz[edit]

The Cathedral (The concrete bowl), where Benfiquistas come to pray for a time machine to take them back to 1962. There have been two incarnations of this stadium, the half-decent one that finally crumbled in 2002, and the new one, now complete with such amenities as videos of the old finals, half-decent seats, and, in a jibe to possible cross-Lisboa rivals Sporting, cheap, tacky toilets. However, this is confusing, as Benfica seem to think that Sporting does not exist, but still... Benfica tried to get a special stadium contract going with the power company so that they could conduct high voltage reviving experiments but spent all the money printing fake out of market bonds (with zero nominal value) to pay taxes. The fake bonds worked so good the zombie making has been postponed. From 1998 to 2000 Benfica said "sod it tax office!" and the tax office went easy on them on accounts of a fake FPF comission led by a well known deuche bag that white washed it and made it all good.

Supporters of "O Glorioso"[edit]

In Portugal, malicious Benfica Special Ops teams go round the country, maintaining a special "Castle of Benfica" in each municipality, making sure that most people are brainwashed so that they support Benfica. The club keeps its record of having the highest number of sócios (paying supporters) via mass brainwashing camps in many countries, such as Andorra, Angola, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Cape Verde, Croatia, France, Germany, Guinea-Bissau, United Kingdom, Japan, Luxembourg, Macau, Mexico, Switzerland, Netherlands and United States.


Young Kids Association | The Lamps | Boavista Futebol Clube | Ram-A-Doora | V.Grim Arches | Leixões S.C. | The Watermen | Nation of the Islanders | The Home Bankers | V.Set A Bowel | Sporting Clube de Braga | Sporting Chokers de Portugal | União Desportiva de Leiria |     edit