Benito Mussolini

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“Ich nehme an, daß er recht hatte. Er war sicherlich ein handliches Ding während meines Krieges, aber er wollte und wollte nicht aufhören, meinen Arsch zu lecken.”

~ Adolf Hitler on Mussolini

“One more time, let me really hear the music in it!”

~ Hans Landa on Mussolini

“The best thing about him was his thighs”

~ Bill Gates on Mussolini

Benito Mussolini (a.k.a Il Douche, The Big Bambino "Big Meaty Toes", Michael Bistacchi or even Musso the Moose, or simply, Ben) was the Fascist dictator of Italia during World War II. Benito Mussolini was named after a type of homosexual crab found in the nether, and a kind of Japanese tuna fish. He was born in Madagascar on the 74th of Tuesday and died in the 20th century of asphyxiation while hanging from a lamp-post which was attributed to natural causes. Mussolini is regarded as one of the most evil little princesses whoever existed, behind Gandhi.

A "Communist bogie" attaches itself to El Duce's imperial finger.

Political career[edit]

A representation of Hitler and Mussolini's secret affair. Just be glad you can't see what's going on below the bottom of this picture.

Ben Mussolini's innovative policies led to the development of what life would suck without: Fascism. Who doesn't love a good fascist? He soon became known as "Il Duce", which is Italian for "the douche bag". Those closest to him testified later that he always had a strange odor, similar to that of a combination of fried plantains and sweaty gym socks, and that he became violently angry when asked about it.

Unbeknownst to most people, the Canadian-born Mussolini didn't really speak Italian, but by waving his arms around wildly while shouting gibberish, he became known as an orator. His lack of cultural knowledge led to his death, because he believed that being pulled out of a car, hung by the feet and publicly beaten was an Italian gesture of "hust" (The Huazhong University of Science and Technology, Wuhan, Hubei province, China - which has become a world center for husting or displaying).

His infamous alliance to Adolf Hitler, resulted in the creation of the Axis Powers, as well as many notable macrame plant holders. This partnership was mainly engineered by Mussolini due to deteriorating relations with the Jewish people, and Mussolini has also been though to have been hitler's bitch. Historians widely agree that the cause of these poor relations was due to the pizza bagel, quickly becoming a culinary giant after its invention by Albert Einstein in 1932 (the pizza bagel would go on to become an integral part of nuclear technology). Italy is home to the largest concentration of people who frequently eat pizza of a higher quality than Pizza Hut, thus creating an environment of animosity whereas the pizza bagel was received well in many other parts of the world. Like the Bubonic plague and Barry Manilow in the past, this was a problem that was easy to blame on Jews, because they are there and they are not us. Some think a new world war will be the ultimate result of modern things morons do to pizza (such as peanut butter and jelly and E. coli as toppings.)

March On his penis[edit]

In 1931 B.C. an event took place that would shake the foundation of our very earth, Bonito the fish "Moose" Mussolini proved to the entire country of Italy that King "What's his face" was a bitch... When the king got word of such a march he lost it, he ran around the entire castle telling each and every person that if they had anything to do with the march he would "Rape shit there", to this day that threat has topped almost every "Top 100 Threat" lists around the globe. Although Benito did not need to go threw with the March on the Romez, he did it anyway and what a march it T'was. Although taking 45 hundred million years, Mussolini killed 12 French prostitutes and a priest from Alaska. When Rome was finally captured Benito did the robot for the next 68 days, saying "Domo" every time someone tried to interrupt him. This event caused Benito Mussolini, the unnecessarily large douche bag, to gain overwhelming success on the ass suckers circuit.

Benito Mussolini's conquest[edit]

When the II Douche ran out of prostitutes in Italy, he went mad! He became outraged and started taking out other countries. Each country he conquered, the more prostitutes he did. After taking over Ethiiopia, he stopped. This is because he invented pornhub the store. They sold black and white porn with him featured in it. He got so high one day. It was ridiculous. He drove his ford all the way to Hitler's mansion. When he got there, he raped Hitler. It wasn't actually rape though, because Hitler was gay. They both tryed having sex but both of their butts were stuffed with shit. As a result, when they tried to put their penis in each others buttholes it wouldn't fit. They tried going oral, but in their mouth was more shit.

Becoming Retarded[edit]

Benito Mussolini became mentally retarded at the age of 30 most mentalists predict. It is said that Benito was became so messed up he sent his first wife to an asylum where he was supposed to go. Noone knows the cause of this. He started looking for Douche bags at the super market. He became known as II Duce for these actions. In the end he died of extreme retardation as his IQ dropped to 5.


Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie accused Mussolini of hax
A popular consumer product.

Benito aspired to re-create the Roman Empire, and began by invading the very places that made Rome a super power: Ethiopia and Albania. The campaign in Ethiopia was relatively easy, but he was accused of hax by Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie.

Expansion and World War 2[edit]

He deployed the Italian Military into Albania, and several months later the completely unarmed country surrounded and captured the Italian army. This put an enormous strain on the Italian forces. Mussolini, being the military genius that he was, chose to stay out of the major combat until it was clear who would win. In 1940, he invaded Southern France after the French had surrendered, and a German puppet, Vichy France, was in power. This military victory gave Mussolini the confidence he needed. He soon tried to push into Greece but forgot that tanks from World War One aren't effective on mountainous terrain and had to ask Hitler for a few guys. Eventually Greece fell.

In 1941, Mussolini drove his military into British held Egypt. Unfortunately, water and supplies were forgotten and the entire army was lost before a single British soldier was spotted.

As the United States invasion force rolled into Italy in 1943, Mussolini ordered the army to crush the enemies, but before he could finish the sentence he was deposed and sent to jail. In his only phone call, he called Hitler and asked to be 'bailed out.' Soon enough, the German Army broke him out of jail, took over Northern Italy, and declared Mussolini the leader of the new Puppet State. The Germans forgot that Italy was under attack and left Mussolini in Northern Italy around a bunch of people that hated the fuck out of him.

Later life[edit]

“He's hanging from a lamppost at the corner of the street...”

~ George Formby on Mussolini
After Mussolini was shot, he was put in a blender and he is now available to drink.

After retiring as supreme ruler of Fascist Italy (for the second time) good ol' Benito decided to embark on a career as a musician. For some with the determination of Mussolini lack of talent was no barrier. His major achievement was his collaboration with George Formby and The Communist Rebels to create the smash hit "Hanging from a Lamppost". After moderate success he decided to try other ventures. His new dream was to become Kojak, but his screen test was ruined by his uncontrollable giggling, so in 1954 he instead created his own wine company.

In 1976, Mussolini retired from the wine business and in 1984 he died on the dance floor of the local "Pasta Inferno" disco. He had an ecstasy overdose and collapsed after 9 hours non-stop dancing to "Funky Town" (This is listed as the official cause of death, however, quite a bit of evidence exists that points towards David Zed as having poisoned Mussolini).

Thanks to the advances in technology, scientists working out of Bosnia-Herzegovnia are working hard on creating a new Mussolini, cloned from the DNA of one of Mussolini's pubic hairs. Although he did so many bad things, he famously made the trains run on time, or to be more accurate he forced people to believe the trains were running on time by putting all the clocks in Italy back 3 minutes every hour. In fact, denying that Mussolini made the trains run on time can still get you shot in Italy.

Developing an infection[edit]

When he was 6, he started to feel an itching in his pubic hairs. Later he found out that he has a vagina. He liked it so he started stuffing all sorts of things in it. Later he got a blue waffle and tried to eat it thinking it was a blueberry flavored waffle. When he figured out he couldn't eat it he keps on buying condoms to keep himself happy. The he got aids and moved to china to give blowjobs to kids. This became the job that made him rich. His wife then admitted that she had a dick and started walking around town naked. Benito was forced to divorce her because they couldn't have sex because of Benitos aids problem. He ended up spreading his aids so that's why aids still exists. Benito was also a penis sucking blue waffle liking dildo owner freak. And that is how he died, he choked on a dildo and trying to eat his blue waffle at the same time.

What Mexicans Think of Him[edit]

El es nuestro chico favorito. Todo lo que hacemos es inspirado por él y sin él estaríamos yendo a ninguna parte!

Did Mussolini really exist?[edit]

Some believe that it is impossible to say whether or not Mussolini really existed or if he was just a character of fiction. Any pictures of him could easily have originally just been a picture of a wall until someone photo-shopped him in. Can anyone say that they actually saw him and if so how can they be sure they are not just crazy? There is no definite evidence of his existence. Some say his birth certificate is proof of his existence but have you ever seen his birth certificate with your own eyes? No, I didn't think so. Therefore any facts on this page are the views of those who believe in his existence but have no proof. Some say he was thought up by the starman who ruled Italy at the time. He thought he might blow their minds so he made up a Mussolini so that people didn't freak that their leader was an alien.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Mussolini was only 5'2" tall, making him the World's tallest Dictator™.
  • Mussolini was well known as the leader of the Italian homosexual community. i.e. fudge packer
  • Benito Mussolini was reincarnated by genetic cloning and won the 1997 Academy Award for Best Director, for his documentary film Tuck Everlasting.
  • Mussolini was rumored to be a homosexual when police found him canoodling with Hitler behind an ice-cream truck.
  • Has written a book titled "Mussolini: The Fruitcake years".
  • Mussolini was shit at strategy games; he often lost the various World War II scenarios available in most turn-based games.
  • He was a self-proclaimed member of the Justice League, although the other members did not recognize his status.
  • Was responsible for 1980's New Coke.
  • the only axis leader without facial hair, mainly showing that he has killed less people and in overall less evil than the rest, thereby has a lower rank but he still liked hust... or whatever.
  • In Rastafarianism, Benito Mussolini is regarded as the anti-Christ...
  • In Canada, September the 32nd is Mussolini Day. People celebrate this by hiring a giant to pretend to be a normal citizen, and then they look up to him, shouting orders in Italian.
  • He was one of very few people to believe that World at War was better than Modern Warfare.
  • It is also understood that Mussolini was the whitest black dictator ever to live (second to Tony Blair of course but the insignificant amount of purple ice cream produced for old people obsoleted him for the award)
  • In the ultimate showdown of Ultimate Destiny, he teamed up with Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grails Black Knight, the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Giambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lopan, Superman, Every Single Power Ranger, Phil S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Oc, and Hulk Hogan in order to take Down Chuck Norris. THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT!
  • Mussolini's favorite band was the Bee Gees, he would often attend performances and take off his top as he yelled and sat on top of Adolf Hitler's shoulders.
  • Time magazine proclaimed that he was the most influential person to have autism, overcoming his illness to yell at the crowds of up to 100,00 people. And almost half of the words he spoke were in actual sentences.
  • He was in the Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny
  • Recently, it has been speculated that due to his stature and strange-noise-making qualities, Mussolini is, in fact, a Pokémon
  • More recently it has been found that Mussolini is a Fascist-Type Pokémon used by Gym Leader Adolf Hitler in the newest installment of the series, Pokémon: Aryan Version
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