Benjy Bronk

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Benjy Bronk warming up before his 2006 walk from New York City to Kansas
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“Run, Benjy, Run!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Benjy Bronk

“Wow! There's finally somebody more annoying than I am!”

~ Gilbert Gottfried on Benjy Bronk being the most annoying, non-constructive pest on The Howard Stern Show since Gottfried, and Stern's mistress BethO

Benjy 'Zax' Bronk (born March 16, 1926) claims to be a male heterosexual, a writer, and a comedian on something he calls The Howard Stern Show, but only if you give him twenty minutes to "sort of" answer the question, or five to remove his clothes. Stern[1] has said that Bronk is "an unwanted necessity" on the show, but Bronk has those nasty photographs of Stern with Ralph Cirella, Andy Dick and something known only as the "Tower of Power" in the Bahamas. Stern claims that Bronk only does shtick (which he describes as "off the leash"), unlike Howard's "forthright honesty," but Bronk points out that of course that itself is shtick, as when the microphones go off, Howard goes into ultra-conservative "Mr. Family Man/Normal Guy" mode, whereas Bronk continues to sweat, eat pounds of salad[2] every night and speak in conundrums. Bronk has herpes, allegedly, but this does not stop him from picking up dozens of desperate mentally ill women online on Craigslist.

Bronk and Artie Lange, Stern's former sidekick, are still competing against each other in a "beached whale" contest.

Early life[edit]

Bronk was born, for some reason. His parents, Brenda and Bob Abui Bronk, named him after the family dog, Zax, which they rescued from the den of a cougar at Camp Joe. Benjy was raised in Clem-Billy-Bobson, West Carolina, where he occasionally attended Daniel Carver High School between his stays at various state mental wards. In 1990, he earned a B.A. in Basic Studies from Pencil Penn State College's 2B campus, with a dissertation on this:

Cquote1.png "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, eruh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children." Cquote2.png

While at Pencil Penn State, he was a Grand Wizard in the O-Qua Tangin Wann Fraternity. Also while at Pencil, he was beat up by a 6-year-old girl named Cailley. Bronk may have been destined for his role on the Howard Stern Show after being voted "Most Likely to Become a Clown" three years in a row.

Recently, Bronk has admitted to committing acts of beastiality in New York City underground S&M clubs. He is currently under investigation by New York State government authorities.

Joining The Howard Stern Show[edit]

Benjy began working for Howard Stern in Hartford, Connecticut in 1978 as Stern's bagel warmer. In 1985, he was promoted to coffee schmo for the entire on-air staff. Out of boredom, Bronk wrote vaguely-remembered bathroom-stall graffiti on Styrofoam coffee cups which, by 2007, led to Benjy fulfilling Jackie Martling's former role as "the comedy writing guy with really gross fungus toenails."

It is alleged that Stern wanted Bronk to take over "The Jackie Chair" because Howchie's diva-like jealousies were getting back at the always-disgruntled, money-grubbing Martling -- meaning, any big, fat, low I.Q. retard with autistic tendencies (Benjy) can write comedy as good as anybody. In reality, one of Stern's whores got her way again because she thought "The Benj" was funny, because what's good for The Hamptons is good for the Stern show.

Before the suicide attempt of Artie Lange because working with Howard Stern was killing Lange's Hollywood career, Bronk used to write for Artie, passing pieces of paper to Lange that he can then use to order items such as pepperoni rolls, cinnamon buns and Ding Dongs without having to stop chewing.

Benjy has been frequently accused by jealous colleagues of lying about his age, which he claims is a semi-rational number that can derived from second-order linear partial differential equations describing the propagation of a variety of waves, such as sound waves, light waves and water waves.

Of course, Bronk also claims that he never took a dump on a surfboard when he starred in Japanese porn flicks during the 1990s.

The Benjy Bronk Show[edit]

This is an imaginary show that Bronk performs in his mind most Mondays through Thursdays from 6:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. While performing the show, Bronk will occasionally break from his trance and say "boobies."

Political statements[edit]

Bronk has claimed to be a Chomskian, right-leaning socio-syndicalist-monarchist, favoring an economic system that would require all businesses to be unlimited liability partnerships (ULPs) initially funded by selling used women's underwear on eBay.

Trivia[edit]

  • He was thrown out of the Rosie O'Donnell Celebrity Rump Roast for trying to put Gene Simmons' KISS make-up on food
  • Walked from New York City to Kansas over The Howard Stern Show's holiday break in 2006
  • Was rumored to be romantically involved with Andrew Dice Clay
  • Is distantly related to Sun Ra, who is from the planet Saturn
  • Invented radio, comedy writing, and Andy Kaufman
  • Will never tell anyone, not even Howard, of his days in a Vietnam POW camp during the 1970s
  • "If Murder Inc. birthed a pimp that was a retarded jerk, that would be Benjy." (comedian Lisa Lampanelli)
  • Will not be invited to Howard Stern's future weddings and/or should be banned from it
  • Rumored to soon work as a writer for Saturday Night Live, but will end up back in a Bellevue Hospital psych ward after Benjy attempts to fondle, then physically rape Lorne Michaels

References[edit]

  1. Whose mind is so filled with BethO and her Queen of Comedy ideas, doesn't have the balls to fire Bronk, which might bring The Howard Stern Show back to its former glory
  2. Tossing bowls of salad in his love nest every night makes him the most perpetually late employee in the history of the Stern show, which still won't get Bronk fired because Stern does everything BethO "Heather Mills" Ostrosky tells him to do

See Also[edit]