Beta version

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A beta version is an early version of a program that doesn't rape yet. Beta versions of video games are often both highly sought after and highly fictional, as video games actually spring fully formed from the mind of Shigeru Miyamoto, and then Squaresoft or some other company takes credit for them.

People create websites about all the things which would be in the beta version if it actually existed, and then use these websites to convince people that said beta versions do, in fact, exist.

Some people are convinced that the game companies have at least eleventy copies of the beta versions of every game they make, and would give them out for free to anyone who writes in if only they were not so mean.

Common (supposed) Features of (alleged) Beta Versions[edit]

  • Missing levels.
  • Extra levels that don't work.
  • An island.
  • Stupid weapons that were too dumb to be kept.
  • Bad voice acting. No wait, that's in the finished version as well... uh, forget this one then.
  • Frequent crashes.
  • Bugs. Not the computer kind, the insect kind. That's why they don't release the beta versions, because they're full of carnivorous ants. So, just consider that every time you ask a company to release the beta version of Cool Awesome Game Super Amazing Saga Quest 44, you're really asking for ants to eat your face.

Notable Beta Versions[edit]

  • Goldeneye for N64 - The beta version of this game, if it existed, would contain an island, 33% less soldiers, a slightly different truck, and a new Citadel level. It would have been a much better game, since the beta version would always be better than the final product, that's why they would have changed it in the first place: to make it worse, and so that people would send them emails asking for the beta.
  • Banjo-Kazooie - In the beta version of this game, Banjo would be a rabbit, Kazooie would be a frog, and there would be four more levels that would consist entirely of glitched graphics and would be completely unplayable. But, since beta versions are so great, unplayability can be easily overlooked and people could have pretended to enjoy these levels. Also, the beta version would solve the mystery of Stop 'n' Swop.
  • Sonic 2 - This beta version would have some glitchy levels and more yaoi subtext. Somewhat surprisingly, the fans seek it out not for the subtext but for the strange hypnoticism of the glitched levels, which exert a powerful influence over the minds of gamers. In fact, the reason they would have been removed was because Sega would recognise their evil power.
  • Sonic Adventure 2 Battle - This beta version wouldn't have sucked.
  • Perfect Dark - The beta version of Perfect Dark is actually just Goldeneye with two extra soldiers.
  • Super Mario Brothers - In the beta version there wouldn't be any levels, since, although Shigeru Miyamoto invented levels, he did not origninally intend to.
  • Habbo Hotel - The beta version of Habbo Hotel would have contained an actual game, which would have been removed at the last minute for fear of upsetting and confusing the n00bs who barely understand the glorified chat room that Habbo is now, and would spontaneously combust upon attempting to comprehend a game.

How to Obtain Beta Version Evidence[edit]

So, you may be asking, if beta versions don't exist, how do those websites obtain their evidence and screenshots? Well, there are many ways, and which one is used depends on the game and the whims of the website owner:

  • Photoshop (or MS Paint if the website owner can't afford it/doesn't have a microwave).
  • Broken screenshot links (people will think that there is actually a screenshot there and that there's just something wrong with their browser.
  • Distracting people with hentai.
  • The last method is very complicated, and not for the faint of heart: use a Gameshark to look in the memory of the game for some hexadecimal bytes that look vaguely mysterious. Then take a screenshot of them and tell them they're secret items from the beta version, but written in C++. They will probably be convinced, because at this point they are sick of hearing about the beta version anyway and just want you to shut up.

How to Write to the Game Company About the Beta Version of a Game[edit]

After reading somebody's website about the beta version of a game, you may actually be convinced that it exists. If so, you should definitely write to the company that made the game and tell them to give you a copy of the beta version. But how to compose your email? Well, open up Notepad (anyone who doesn't write their emails in Notepad is a n00b) and type something along the lines of:

Cquote1.png Dear Rearware,
I hav red in a site that there is a betta bversion of Batle Toads in which you can play as Mario i know this is true because i read it on the woRld Webnet so give me a copy or i will come 2 your hose and kill your dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!1!!

When in doubt, remember that more exclamation marks means more convincing! Throw some ones in there too, for variety.