Betty White

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Betty was known as The White Snake during her days as a CIA agent.

“If I had a dick I'd tell you to suck it!”

“She's one hell of an agent I'll give her that.”

~ Solid Snake on Betty White

“I thought she was a myth!”

~ The FBI on Betty White

“I would gladly suck thine dick if thy had one.”

~ Lord Polylick on Betty White on You
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Betty White.

Betty Chris Crocker White Power AKA: Betty White or by her stage name Butty White (b. January 22, 1845) is a vintage porn star, former CIA operative, retired government agent and animal rights activist. Betty White is the female version of Chuck Norris and the 1st place in the world's ranking for deadliest women. She has killed thousands of terrorists in her life time and continues to do so on her independent time. In her Official Biography.

Betty White at the age of six.


Very much is known about Betty White's childhood, other than the fact that she was born to a Mid Wife and God. Due to her blood relation with God, this had made her a blood relative of Chuck Norris, this also explains their immortality and superhuman strength. What more that is known is that at the age of eight, she was responsible for the attack and murder of some twenty terroists and later at the age of 14 the fall of the Jewish Mafia (Not that it was a challenge). Her undeniable talent as a rouge agent earned her a position as an operative at the CIA at the age of 15. For years, White travled the world, taking down terrorists, she even killed Chairman Mao while he slept. Before the age of 18, White had already became a top operative and was stationed in Israel for three years where she killed thousands of Arabs and drained their bodies for their oil, making her one of the most ruthless women in the world. In 1941, she was featured in an underground stag video which showed one of the first anal penetration scenes in American history. By the age of 20, Betty was one of the world's top assassins and was a body guard for Mr. T from 1980 to 1987. It is said, that Betty White is so bad ass that she made Mr. T the foo.

Update: As of January 2011, Mr. T has come forth admitting that he was, in fact, made the foo during a speech in an appearance on Robot Chicken. He has neither confirmed nor denied Betty White's involvement in what T described as a "dark, painful time".

A young Betty White breaking out into her agent uniform.

Super Secret Spy Work[edit]

Betty caused a large stir up in Germany in 1914, after the Germans decided to fight everyone and piss everyone off. So Betty went in there and fixed their asses out. Unfortunately, in 1932, an attack on Pear Harbor rendered Betty into a coma for 5 years and was unable to go in and stop the invading forces of Germany and Adolf Hitler. However, even though she never brought about the down fall of Hitler, she was known for taking down other tyrants as well, such as Stalin Bear and Chairman Mao. After Betty regained consiousness from her coma she worked with the NSA at the start of 1940. However, Betty caused too much hell in the NSA and was sent back to the CIA and was declared as "Their problem now!" Back at the CIA, Betty was working harder than ever to maintain the saftey of the US. In the 1990's, Betty was responsible for getting Bill Clinton impeached. With her extensive training as an engineer, Betty created a Multiple Ohm Nidrolyic Intellegent Craft Airspacer (or M-O-N-I-C-A for short) and designed her to seduce Bill. While the plan was a fail it did cause Hillary Clinton's vagina to turn into a raving monster filled with razor sharp teeth and acid. During our present times, Betty was put into the cast of Saturday Night Live in-order to gain a lead of the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden who was suspected to be Tina Fey in disguise

Betty White's arch-nemesis, Android Kitten.

1-800-PETMEDS Scam[edit]

In 1996, White decided to establish a CIA funded operation known as 1-800-PETSMEDS. It was a fake service claiming to provide lots of experimental drugs for your fat ass pet and fuck up it's mind entirely. Betty collected all the adresses of the customers, and hunted down their pets, strapped them to a cement wall, beat them with crowbars, and interrogated them on the whereabouts of Android Kitty. After torturing and slaughtering 23,867,041 animals, and one cooked ham, she failed to obtain the location of Android Kitty. Owners of the pets attempted to take down Betty White in the famous event known as 9/11, however they realized her immortality, after attempting to flee the country on planes, Betty used her aged, and wise vagina to control the pilots on board. The planes were meant to be directed into New Jersey where they would crash safely in a pile of garbage, but White was distracted by a Pottery Barn sale advertised on television and lost control over her saggy, barely functioning cave of a vagina. America then invaded Iraq for no apparent reason, Betty knew this and the CIA attempted to kill her, however she vanished into thin air (possibly hiding in her cave-like vagina), and is not found to this day.

Life Today[edit]

Betty was last seen in the North Pole hitting on eskimos, attempting to track down her old arch-nemesis, Android Kitten, whose primary task is to take over the world through various pyramid schemes. Betty has fiercely fought this evil feline but has been unable to capture her since the showdown in Bombay of 1999. Betty was quoted as saying in a press release "That kitten is more than evil, she's diabolic, and I will not rest until she's brought to justice and shot in the back of the head." Betty has also searched for her in Brazil, Russia and Dayton, Ohio but that darn cat is nowhere to be found as of 2008. If you have any inklings as to the whereabouts of Android Kitten, be sure to call 1800-BETTY-4US, toll free. Betty also is searching for her long lost father in the process, God. While the two were estranged for sometime, God never called Betty back after she called him back in 2006. While some have thought of him as dead, Betty refuses to think other wise, and has set out on a journey to find her father as well as bringing Android Kitten to justice.

She has had a long running feud with gangsta rapper Snuggle Bunny LaTrelle. The two underworld figures have caused many conflicts, including the crisis in Libya in 2011.