Biblical Literalism

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Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Bullshit?

“I can be a crack whore and still be forgiven, because the Baaaaiiiible tells me so!

~ Tamia on Bible
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Biblical Literalism.

“Jesus literally loves me”

~ Biblical Literalist

Biblical Literalism is the most common form of schizophrenia as of yet discovered in humans. It is usually diagnosed from the sufferer's belief that the Bible, in its entirety, is an accurate account of actual events which have taken place since the world was created by God, in 6 days, 6000 years ago.

As many as 80% of Christians suffer from Biblical Literalism, and it is furthermore thought that Biblical Literalism is a pre-cursory symptom of kiddy fiddling.

If you think you or someone you know may be a Biblical Literalist, there is help. Most hospitals offer powerful euthanasia for any Biblical Literalist seeking help. If you can't afford medical bills or you don't dig hospital treatments, a bit of music from Gary's Gang will also do the trick.

The drug[edit]

BL is the street name for an extremely potent drug whose side-effects closely simulate the mental condition of Biblical Literalists. It is known to induce hallucinations, childlike naivete, delusions, hypocrisy, violent, irrational behavior, desire to force the drug upon others, and general stupidity. Many scientists consider it to be the strongest drug known to man, but they are in utter disagreement as to whether or not it is the strongest drug known to God.

Examples of Bible Literalism[edit]

"In the same day shall the Lord shave with a razor that is hired, namely, by them beyond the river, by the king of Assyria, the head, and the hair of the feet: and it shall also consume the beard." Isaiah 7:20

A Bible literalist knows for a fact that the Lord had to borrow a razor in order to shave the hairy feet of the people of the house of David. In those days, of course, the borrowed razor would have been bronze and not very sharp. It is unknown why the Lord had no razor of His own.

"Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords." 1 Samuel 6:4

The Bible literalist may think it odd that the Lord desired golden hemorrhoids and golden mice when He could just as easily have required a nice golden temple or a weekend on the beach with a couple of nice Jewish girls. But it is not for the literalist to puzzle his little noggin about it; hemorrhoids and mice is written and hemmies and mice it must have been.