Bicycle helmet

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Bicycle Helmet is a euphemism that refers to chafing of the head of the penis (or 'helmet') that may or may not have been caused by riding a bicycle. In recent times, Bicycle Helmet has become the accepted medical term for the disease, replacing 'German Penis Burn', which had been in common usage since the Russian World War Two practice of barbequing and eating the penises of captured German soldiers. The Russian troops noticed similarities between the burns created on the cooked penises by the gas grill and sores on their own penises caused by anally violating one and other. The term 'German Penis Burn', or in the native language (Russianease) "In Soviet Russia, Penis burns you!" was born.

In later years Lance Armstrong noticed that the sores on his penis were often caused by riding his bicycle, being unaware of 'German Penis Burn' Armstrong named the condition 'Bicycle Helmet'.


Red sores resembling on the head glans of the penis often mean only one thing - Bicycle Helmet. Typically the sores are longer than they are wide, much like the penis its self.

Is it Bicycle Helmet?[edit]

If you are unsure of the nature of a sore on your penis, it is important that you visit your doctor, nurse or Winston Peters without delay.

A Bicycle Helmet is also something that somebody like William Mitson would break

Causes of Bicycle Helmet[edit]

The following are common causes of Bicycle Helmet;

Famous Sufferers of Bicycle Helmet[edit]


There are three clinical stages of Bicycle Helmet, with a fourth stage typically resulting in the death of the subject. The first three stages are pictured.

Clinical photos of a sufferer of Bicycle Helmet. In these photos we see the test subjects penis go from being a healthy penis to a very sick penis - left untreated, this penis would eventually explode.

Stage One[edit]

No Indication of Bicycle Helmet. Oral sex is plentiful.

Stage Two[edit]

Bicycle Helmet has become apparent, but can be treated successfully. Note red sores on penis and sad facial expression of the penis. Oral sex is scarce.

Stage Three[edit]

Advanced Bicycle Helmet. Penis has shrunk significantly and patient will be in severe pain. Administer jam as soon as possible to quell suffering. Oral sex is a near impossiblity. Try to win the lottery instead.

Stage Four[edit]

Penis at this stage will swell to monstorous size, wrap its self around the neck of the patient and strangle him. Some patients initially find this pleasing and have been known to cum all over their own faces during this stage of the disease.


At stage one, no treatment is necessary. It is however advisable to rub vaseline into the penis on an hourly basis to prevent bicycle helmet.

At stage two, treatment with chemotherapy, vaseline and rough sex are essential to stop the spread of the condition.

At stage three it is vital to cut the diseased penis off before it can kill the sufferer. Again, some patients find this highly arousing. Sick fuckers.