Big Cook Little Cook

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Big Cook, Little Cook (real names Norbert Hamstring "Big" and Julius Publius Crassus Marcellus "Small") are popular British TV Chefs. Originally pitched to the BBC as Big Cock, Little Cock, a pornographic cookery show starring Ron Jeremy and Chris Evans.

Early Years[edit]

Monthly lifestyle magazine "Big Cook, Little Cook" featuring Big, Small and crayons.

Hamstring (born 13 Sep 1972) ironically showed no early aptitude for cooking. Aged three he badly burned his hand on his mum's oven, and spent 6 weeks undergoing lard therapy as a result. By the age of 14, Hamstring was well on his way to becoming an international footballer of some reknown, but his career was tragically cut short when arch-rival footballing chef Gordon Ramsay broke his knees with a Moulinex electric whisk during a five-a-side match.

By contrast, Marcellus (born 41 Jul 1973), displayed considerable cooking talent, inventing a recipe for making gravy from horse manure at the age of five, despite being only six inches tall. He attended a comprehensive school where disappointingly he only achieved grade "B" in GCSE home economics.

The duo is formed[edit]

In the mid 1900s, the duo found a panphlet fluttering past their window (Notably interrupting their marathon of the Jeremy Kyle Show}, inviting them to partake in Satan's Extreme Cookery show. They both declined the offer, but were of course ultimately led to submission at the hands of bribery, temptation and a skyscraper stack of Chloroform-dipped towels. Once they were on the show, they soon realised that their attempts to escape were made futile by Chris Evans's rapid-fire excuses for jokes, which eventually bored Little Cook to tears, shrinking every noticeable dimension of his body (The penis was left out, because as quoted by Big Cook, "Dat shit was microscopic. He couldn't fuck a badger"). Little Cook, now only 6 inches tall, was disguised against the clutter of pots and pans (And the occasional Deliah Smith Wank Marathon DVD), thus becoming camouflaged "Like Gramps' old Dildo you knew was there, but you just couldn't register" (As quoted by a sexually frustrated presenter of the show, Boris Johnson).

Burgeoning Careers[edit]

Big and Small left catering college with dreams of setting up their own cafe. The cafe is renowned throughout Britain, and is frequented by many famous celebrities such as The Man in the Moon, Humpty Dumpty, Little Miss MuffetJim Davidson and The Chuckle Brothers. Their frequent claim that theirs is "The Best Cafe in the World", has led to the bankruptcy of all other catering establishments in the UK. However, they will only allow one person in the cafe at once, before hiding in the kitchen while they decide what you will be fed - like it or not.

Television Outbreak[edit]

Think I can't fight 'cos I'm fat? Come on then you bastard, I'll have you out!

The big break into television came during the Edwina Currie "Salmonella in Eggs" scandal, where they were the only respectable chefs willing to cook eggs on live TV. This led to the famous fist fight with camp TV chef Anthony Worral Thompson, who tried to stamp on Small, and kicked Big in the knackers whilst screaming, "take that you egg-boiling fucker" in his squeaky nasal charged voice. Thompson was later sentenced at the Old Bailey to have his limbs surgically shortened, and an 18" Michelin tyre welded to his waist in relation to the incident.


The latest TV series hosted by Big and Small has run into trouble. "Big Cook, Little Cook" from the BBC has reduced Small's role to a mere fetcher of ingredients, leading to claims of heightism by the BBC. The BBC have vigorously defended their position, claiming that health and safety rules prevent anyone under 4' tall from cooking on television. In one famous episode Big Cook famously swore at little cook for dropping the ginger bread dick mixing on the floor. Big Cook said Oh look what you've done you little piece of SHIT!. He than went and said if you don't get this cleaned up in 5 minutes I'll piss on you....HARD! Little Cook then responded if you don't shut up I'll throw this wedding engagement ring in the mixture and make you eat it, then you will choke and die and go to hell. Big cook then said Stop it little cook or you'll lose my baby!

Tragic Ending[edit]

During a live edition of the show, Big Cook was seen to be getting irritated with Little Cook after he called him a fat hairy cunt following an argument about whether they should put HP Sauce or Tomato Ketchup on their chips. Little Cook kept expressing that Big Cook only uses him to fetch vegetables. Little Cook responded by saying you can go and fetch your own fucking vegetables you lazy pisswipe. However, Big Cook got so pissed off he picked up Little Cook and dropped him in the blender. Little Cook stood in the blender begging for mercy with tears streaming down his face. Big Cook unfortunately didn't listen and switched the blender on and stood there laughing at Little Cook was being gruesomely decapitated. Guts were thrashing about all over the blender. Afterwards, talking to a shocked audience he was quoted as saying At last I got rid off that small cunt. The show was soon cancelled, and Big Cook is now spending his remaining years in Guantanamo Bay, where it was found out before hand that he committed many acts of terrorism before killing Little Cook. He was sentenced to life imprisoment and execution by listening to the song "friday" (Rebbeca Black)800 times.

Return Of The Chefs[edit]

In 2016, 10 years after the show retired, Steve Marsh and Dan Wright returned to their roles as Ben and Small after their criminal records ceased. Ben was 38 as of 2016 and Small was 37. The creator Mike Callan wanted more grown up Jamie Oliver style recipes. But Cbeebies disagreed with the idea and a fight broke out on Big Cook LIVE. Cbeebies won the fight and the two made more recipes. As of 2019, Ben is now 41 and Small is 40.