Bigass Heater

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Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Bigass Heater. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

The Bigass Heater is the most powerful thing in existence (After Chuck Norris). It is capable of putting out 1.33 GigaBTUs of heat per nanosecond, enough to vaporize The Sun in under a minute (But not Chuck Norris). It was invented by noted terrorist and Wal-Mart Regional Sales Manager Zeeshan Hussain, to help him deal with the uncomfortable winters in New England. The Bigass Heater accounts for an astonishing 80% of the mass in the universe (19.9% is Chuck Norris and his incredibly thick beard).

The Bigass Heater has 14 levels of heating:

-1: Intake - Takes in heat to save money and piss people in Florida off.

0: Standard - Does Nothing.

1: Candle - Beats the shit out of opening your oven and burning down your house, shithead.

2: Lukewarm - Reheating/Defrosting Burritos.

3: Warm - Good for those chilly Late-March walks.

4: Flame - Boiling Pasta, Heating an apartment.

5: Heater - Much like your average heating system, but more awesome.

6: Fire - Hot enough for most people.

7: Seatbelt in the Sun - The best way to neglect your baby in the backseat since cellphones!

8: Day Old Lava - Good for (cooking) eskimos.

9: Burning - The cause of Global Warming.

10: Red Hot - In Soviet Russia, Big Metal thingy tells us what to do!

11: Magma - Hot enough to shut a menopasual crackwhore with the flu up.

12: Solaris - Makes the sun look like some useless ball of protons.

13: Red Giant - Hot enough to make Richard Nixon sweat.


The Big Ass Heater can be seen in the Southern Skies on Clear Nights from August to October, and is Best Seen from the Northwest Hemisphere.