“In Soviet Russia, bike rides you!”
“These fantastic images...”
“I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like!”
“I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like, it's got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good.”
“Ring the bell, Ding-a-ling, Ding Ding Ding, A-ling, A-ling, A A A, Ring the.”
“Hey! Stop stealing my bike, you bastard!!”
A bicycle or bike is a form of two-wheeled transportation (one in front of the other) used by Mexicans and these popular three major population subgroups: city dwellers, old people in villages, and those who have not yet become so obese from travelling everywhere by car that they are still capable of moving by their own power. (You know you need to lose some weight when your fat gets caught in the chain...) In many European countries, bicycles are particularly common at railway stations and in canals.
It also is the main form of transportation of Enviromentalists who want to save the world from global warming, and others who don't have driver's licenses. It is also often used as an excuse to wear spandex.
See Also: DWI
The bicycle was claimed to be invented by a Mr Desmond Bicycle, famous liar. However the modern two-wheeled thingummy that we recognise as a bicycle today was originally conceived in 1492 by the famous pirate Christopher Columbus. The so-called "Portuguese Man o' War" cycle was however inefficient due to its oversize topsails and inability to tack into the wind. This was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo Station in 1525 by the infamous pirate Sir Walter Raleigh, inventor of the modern English bicycle.
Since those early days, various forms of the bicycle emerged or evolved. Significant designs include -
- The tandem: this made it possible for young men who did not have motor vehicles (because they had been invented) to take out their young ladies for a pleasant ride together in the countryside, hopefully with a view to engaging in sexual union but at the very least to share sandwiches and saliva.
- The penny-farthing: this immensely high bicycle was a prototype of the 'Henderson's Ladder Cycle' which was devised to assist in the painting of house exteriors. It was later found to be useful for hunting tigers in India.
- The ball-crusher: primitive bicycle designs had benefitted neither from the invention of the bicycle seat (or 'saddle' - see below) nor of rubber tyres. Thus early cyclists were forced to sit upon a narrow iron bar, and endure riding over cobbled roads with iron or hard-wood wheels. The effect of this may have been stimulating in some cases to young ladies, but most young gentlemen were frequently forced to dismount, or else to consider a career as a counter-tenor or possibly a "castrato" in the opera.
- The noncycle: having no wheels it moves by sliding on a thin film of mucus.
- The unicycle: This is the abomination of the cycle stable, as it used by clowns, and is not spoken of in polite company.
- The monocycle: Like the dispicable unicycle, the monocycle is constructed with only one wheel. However, the monocycle differs in that the rider sits within an exceedingly large diameter wheel. Some, in fact are several stories tall. Monocycles have been declared unsafe, mainly because burning rubber incorrectly can cause the operator to spin uncontrollably inside the wheel.
- La bicyclette: a French invention, this is a very small bicycle for gnomes.
- The Krebscycle: The krebcycle uses a series of interlocking chemical reactions to move biology students into hysterics.
- The tricycle: also a French invention, the tricycle was made because French riders had experienced "une petite difficulté" with balancing on two wheels. The tricycle has become popular in France for a "menage a trois". In England, the tricycle was miniaturised for the benefit of children (or a menage a trois of gnomes), but "trainer wheels" have become more acceptable for polite company among children.
- The picycle: A picycle is arguably the missing link between a tricycle and quadricycle, as it only has 3.1415926... wheels.
- The quadricycle: claimed a French invention, the 4-wheeled cycle was a design stolen by the French, based on the English Bath Chair. The quadricycle was quickly realised to be so cumbersome and heavy that it became necessary to power it by an engine, and so the first automotive quadricycle was invented, by Sir Edmund Carr. The French again stole this concept and renamed the now-familiar carr as the unpronounceable vehicle (German: Vierrädernundeinerhupe)... but that is another story.
- The menstrual cycle: It is better to avoid riding this altogether. Even with protective gear, results can be pretty gruesome.
First example of the Biwheelular Contraption of Velocitation
The original prototype was made out of Nepstad's famous hair and was originally called the Biwheelular Contraption of Velocitation. This name was dropped after a copyright dispute with a shopping trolley called Dave turned into bloody fight to the death.
Key developments in the history of the bicycle
The Anti-Haemorrhoidal Furnishment
Commonly known as The Saddle, many take the existence of the Anti-Haemorrhoidal Furnishment for granted. Before today's super sophisticated bicycles with this complex feature were developed, the bicycle had to assume the shape of some very strange forms. The tree bike was one such model. This unfortunately led to a record incidence of haemorrhoids amongst the ferrets that used them. The Anti-Haemorrhoidal Furnishment was invented by a ferret called Cornelius from Siberia and he won the coveted Nobel Peace Prize for Advances in the Field of Breaking Traffic Regulations that had yet to Exist in 1598.
The invention of the bicycle seat brought its own peculiar difficulties. Foremost among these was the scandal that ensued from the sight of young ladies sitting astride bicycles. At that time, young women were permitted to 'ride' horses only by adopting a side-saddle position. This was of course impractical for bicycle riding because of the necessity of pedalling with both feet, although an early attempt to produce a bicycle suitable for women riding side-saddle was the infamous "Garrod's uni-pedal device", which was rejected by women but later taken up by one-legged pirates.
Adaption to Victorian puritanism
Other early Victorian attempts to facilitate the mounting of bicycle saddles by pubescent females included clitorectomy, and/or the wearing of sufficiently 'protective' undergarments. Panties constructed of 4-inch-thick hardwood with coconut fibre padding were popular, and the mediaeval iron chastity belt experienced a brief revival.
Eventually, in the late Victorian era, a suitable "ladies' bicycle seat" evolved and was generally accepted - this had a broad saddle, with "no pointy-bits" at the front which might "accidentally stimulate the naughty parts". In the late 20th century, this was abandoned by the liberated woman, who enthusiastically mounted the narrow-and-especially-pointy bicycle seat that is universally popular today. the exception is mature gentlemen with haemorrhoids, who have strangely re-adopted the "ladies bicycle seat").
The invention of the "ladies bicycle seat" also was quickly followed by the appearance of a new type of gentleman (of indeterminate age), known as the bicycle seat sniffer - see Sex and The Bicycle Shed below.
Rotating Circular Moveableness Facilitational Thingy
The other key stage in the bicycle's development came in France when the first Tour de France took place in 1743. This was before the Rotating Circular Moveableness Facilitational Thingy had been invented there. Instead the bicycles in this backward country had super-efficient square tyres. A competitor from The Dark Side of the Moon used hedgehogs instead of the square wheels and won by a country mile, confusing the French Luddites that were stuck in their ways. He was instantly executed for showing too much common sense.
Some retro squaredness enthusiastics can still be seen riding around Paris and other French metropoles trying to look so retarded that they qualify for a grant from the government to have their skulls crushed at the local onion factory.
Bicycles are very distinctive vehicles. They sing like (ahem) "female" East German swimmers, float like the faeces of people with fibre-rich diets and sting like a paraplegic ladybird. Ninjae are known as not able to ride bicycles, without a specialisation point being spent. This is one of their only weaknesses.
Bicycles are normally powered by the Grace of God™ or by power generated by attaching your bike with a rope to another bike with someone pedalling furiously. By option, bicycle power can also be provided by a free sophisticated human muscle system, and/or a cheap means of car engine imitation, which can be purchased anywhere in Europe for about 40 Euros or more often for a much more reasonable price (i.e., stolen).
The direction of a bicycle is governed by a steering committee that meet every ten fortnights in an old cow near Slough and only when there is a free lunch. If not, beware of bicycles running into metallic trees.
Cyclists often accessorise their bicycles with earrings, hairbands, thongs, bondage gear, dead lightbulbs, kittens, hookers, radioless antennae, and the whole of global's warming power, (nuclear reactors) amongst other snazzy items that will be sure to impress friends, families and envious neighbours.
Apart from riding bikes there are many other ways to use a bike, such as :
- Bike crashing- where the rider purposely or accidently crashes the bike in to something silly.
- Bike breeding- where the owner get 2 bikes and allows them to mate (see below), usually making a smaller bike for use by a child, although sometimes deformities can occur such as a unicycle.
- Bike mating- pretty self-explanatory, but if you are retarded, bike mating involves the rider mounting the cycle then... ahem..
- Practical jokes- these include many things that may or may not cause injury, although injuries are fun, and these include loosening all the bolts/screws so when the rider jumps on the bike colapses ("LOL"), or the super glue on the handle bars ("Sticky fingers") and seat ("Pain in the arse") jokes.
Sex and The Bicycle Shed
With the invention of the bicycle, owners were soon faced with the problem of where to park the bike. Early parking places for a bicycle included: leaning it up against a cow; the top of a tree; under a haystack; in the pig-sty. None of these was particularly suitable, as each had its disadvantages. It was, however, from the pig-sty that the "bicycle shed" was inspired.
Bicycle sheds spread as quickly as bicycles, and were most frequently erected at the edges of village greens and in school-yards. The typical bicycle shed, perhaps deriving its aura from the unique and sado-masochistic nature of cycling itself and the peculiarities of cyclists, soon developed a unique atmosphere, sometimes described as "smelling of sick", "stinks of cigarette butts", "has a bouquet of vintage urine", or more simply "smutty".
School students quickly discovered that "behind the bicycle shed" was the perfect place for a forbidden cigarette or for other assignations such as a "punch-up", while university scholars found it eminently suitable for a "quickie" with either sex, or, preferably, both at the same time. English village bicycle sheds were adopted by drunkards as a modern equivalent of the Ancient Roman room known as the "vomitorium", whilst French bicycle sheds were referred to as "les pissoirs".
Popular female university students are often accused of committing sexual acts in the Bike Shed with any lucky twat who wanders by. This has been a tradition in educational grounds for decades, with male students dubbing these women the Village Bicycle because usually everyone has had a ride. On the other hand, many a young male scholar has been labelled by his female colleagues as a dull ride, and indeed sex with some college students has been equated on a scale of excitement with riding a bike along the Slough canal.
However, many fine adults of today owe their origins to the humble bicycle shed, as the place of their conception. The bicycle shed also became the haunt of the "bicycle seat sniffer" - invariably male - who spent many happy hours dragging their nostrils over the saddles of young ladies' bicycles in search of a rewarding "frisson" of tuna-fish.
Sadly, the bicycle shed is today a rare sight - it has been replaced almost universally by the "bicycle rack". This is a modern torture device, adapted from its mediaeval predecessor, which is used to tear the front wheels from bicycles, or at least to bend them into an angle that renders them unsuitable for conveyance of sober riders (a drunken cyclist however will often ride his/her bicycle home without realising its front wheel is still tethered to the cycle rack next to the pub).
The demise of the bicycle shed has also resulted in a philosophical conundrum for the Bicycle Seat Sniffer: How to usefully direct one's imagination towards young ladies' private parts? Fortunately the arrival of the internet has provided ample opportunity to engage the attention of prepubescent girls by adopting a false persona ("Miranda, who likes pyjama parties") on a suitable social networking website - and so seat-sniffing has become cyber-sniffing.
Super Highway-code Immunity Technology
Super Highway-code Immunity Technology (often referred to by the public as "da S.H.I.T") is the major selling point of the bicycle. It has captured a particularly large market with city dwellers who take advantage of the state-of-the-art special permission to ignore all traffic signals and road signs. Cyclists are allowed to go down one-way streets the wrong way, drink alcoholic beverages whilst cycling, breeze through red lights, wonder if the sound coming out of your personal stereo is coming from Austria or Antarctica, play dangerwank with a wallaby, rape the fearsome Argentinian woodlouse and ignore all other tiresome traffic regulations with impunity.
Courteous behaviour of other road users extended to cyclists
While in a bike lane, cyclists have been observed frequently crashing right into opening car doors; due to morons in cars who open them without checking to see if their pet llama had an incestuous affair with the cyclist's exhaust pipe.
However, unlike the users of motor vehicles, cyclists are not granted the God-given right to exceeded the legal speed limit. Thus they are much less lethal than motor vehiclists, which remain one of God's favoured way of freeing the souls of the earthbound when he wants a few new sunbeams.
It is a legal requirement for a clone of Arsène Wenger to drive HGVs. This is so that when there is an accident, there can be a clip on the local news of a lorry driver saying, "I did not see zis littal sheetee cycliste come from nowhere. He fucking deserved it anyway."
The village dwellers do not make much use of the highly sought-after S.H.I.T. but are far more interested in the woven basket which can be used to carry small dogs, potatoes, the Isle of Wight and crack cocaine.
It should be noted though that small dogs can easily be bounced out and end up under the wheels or in the left lung of a Hungarian. Experienced senior citizens super-glue Velcro to their pet's posterior and the bottom of the basket to help avoid this unpleasant event. However, welding has recently become the method of choice for kangaroos who want to make sure their dogs do not fall out of their basket.
Before a bike owner can ride the bicycle by him/herself, they must be accompanied at all times by an older and more experienced rider and wear an L-helmet at all times. The role of the instructor (or "dirty old man" as they are commonly known) is to stand on the rear axle of the bike, in the croggy position, with his arms firmly wrapped around the learner, while teaching him/her how to take full advantage of the S.H.I.T technology (see above), ride with no hands, removal of lights which can reduce aerodynamics and other useful skills. On the day of the test, the learner must accommodate both their instructor and an examiner. Usually as there is limited room on the back, one will mount the front axle instead. If the examiner believes you pose a sufficient danger to other road users and you have not committed any major errors, then you will pass. This is followed by a ceremonial crushing of the L-helmet. After this point it is illegal to wear a helmet as you may be confused with someone who is competent. You will then be rewarded with your licence from the Bicycle And Scooter Training Authorised Reward Department (B.A.S.T.A.R.D)
Do's and Don't of the Bicycle Test
- DO fall off at regular intervals
- DO demonstrate your ability to cycle with your eyes closed
- DO weave through stationary traffic to save time
- DO play danger wank at some point during the test. Extra points if you ejaculate in the instructor's eye
- DO hit at least one dog/cat/OAP/small child
- DO shift into the highest gear possible in order to acquire a speed of 79 mph while your leg-engines are running at 700RPM -
- Do try and keep everything stable and un-squashed. Doing so is known to prevent a Mr Pither.
- DO ride onto the interstate to get to destinations faster
- DO ride through red lights because stop-lights are for CARS not bikes.
- DO reckless stunts and tricks in construction zones.
- DO whatever tricks you want no matter how stupid and ridiculously dangerous they are. (EX. Race onto tall buildings and off again. Trust me you will be cool or dead but mostly cool.)
- DON'T signal your intentions to other road users; this encourages them to think for themselves and will result in a fail
- DON'T wear reflective jackets, especially at night - these can dazzle other road users and cause them to crash
- DON'T change gears - impress the examiner with the speed at which your engine legs can go. (Aim for 700RPM at the least.)
- DON'T touch the handle bars with your hands, in some countries this is a taboo and results in social exclusion.
- DO wear your seatbelt, regardless of whether or not there is one.
- DON'T drink and ride. It can kill. JUST LIKE THAT. OR ThAt.
- And finally, NEVER EVER ring your bell. This will be an instant fail - it causes other drivers to check their mobile phones and often causes your parents to find out they're cheating on each other with carnies.
- To fall off a bicycle when stopping at traffic lights is known as 'to do a Dave'
Bicycles are unique in that they maintain themselves. Sometimes you may need to hug them, get them a drink at the pub or share your XXX rated lesbian porn with them on the home network, but otherwise they are normally able to hold down a job at a brothel (see village bicycle) or at a call centre near Chesterfield. However, you must be aware that like all other sex toys, a good village bicycle must find a way to take you in for servicing at least once every six weeks.
Prices range from around £30 for a stolen one through to £5.6m for the Aston Martin LePushBike DB3.2 in racing green. If you are a bison with hepatitis J, you might be able to get a metrosexual's discount of 19 Turkish Lira if you can prove your pancreas has had sexual relations with a sewing machine in the past 12 minutes. Recently only video footage posted on YouTube has been accepted as proof.
Bicycle theft is a serious problem in many nations, but especially within college campuses in big cities, and within small villages, where it is assumed that every bicycle is THE village bicycle. The main problem is that bicycles were designed for the purpose of moving, and thieves love it when they can get valuables to move. Theft has therefore led to the invention of bicycle locks, bike racks, locking nuts, hose clamps, goop, serial numbers, useless stickers, RFID, British politicians and tracking devices.
- Bicycle Racks In places where no paper clips can be found, your bike may be stolen by a bicycle rack, though sometimes the rack only gets one of the wheels. Use extreme caution when considering a bicycle rack, and avoid ones that show any sign of having eaten bicycles recently. Public Ordinance #1926 specifies that any bicycle rack installers must slay the beasts before leaving the job site, thereby making it safe to lock bikes to, but many contractors get lazy, and assume the beasts will die of starvation eventually. They rarely do. Most actually just grow more voracious with each passing year.
- Locking Nuts are special nuts with unusually-shaped heads. A special tool with a special shape to match the unusual nut head on the locking nut. The special tool is then used to screw the unusual nut head onto the bicycle. Parts attached to the bicycle with these unusual nut heads require some strange tool, other than a standard screwdriver or wrench in order to remove them. This of course makes it difficult for bicycle racks to steal only a wheel, but if the beasts can get ahold of the whole bike, it is still every bit as gone as a bike without locking nuts.
- Hose Clamps are special loops that can go around things, and be tightened down onto them. Hose clamps require a screwdriver to loosen, and these have therefore been used from time to time in order to slow thieves from stealing certain bicycle parts. Zip ties can serve a similar purpose.
- GOOP is any substance that can be smeared onto a surface, and which will then form a solid, or semi-solid coating. Goop can be used to fill in the slots for screwdrivers, to make fitting a wrench onto a nut more difficult, etc.
- Serial numbers are a bunch of numbers inscribed onto the bottom bracket of most modern bicycles. A factory worker selects serial numbers at random based on a complicated calculation of all the different shapes in his lucky charms that morning, thereby ensuring that most bicycles have unique serial numbers. These serial numbers are then dully written down by bicycle owners, so that if their bicycle is ever stolen, the police will know what the factory worker had for breakfast on the day the missing bicycle was made.
- Useless stickers are paper, or plastic items with an adhesive backing. In bicycle terms, useless stickers are purchased from government agencies, rings of bicycle thieves, or protection rackets, who sell stickers with serial numbers different from those already on the bike in exchange for the address of the home where your bicycle will be kept. You then place the stickers on your bicycle, and assume that if it is stolen, someone will read those numbers ,enter them into a database, and learn who the true owner of the bicycle is. Meanwhile, the organization that gave you those stickers breaks into your home, steals your bicycle, removes the sticker, and sells it to pay for more of their stickers.
- RFID Retarded fucking idiotic devices allow a person to encrypt "data" (That is, a serial number...) onto a small microchip. This "data" can then be "scanned" (that is, read) by using a special device(That is, more expensive than eyes)from a distance of a few feet away. It is hoped that RFID can be installed on large numbers of bicycles, and readers can then be purchased, and given to police departments. The police can then "scan" the "data" on the "chips" of all the bicycles in their "evidence locker" and return the "stolen property" to their "rightful owners." This process is sure to be far faster, and more reliable than the use of serial numbers or useless stickers.
Although you might be vexed as fuck by his actions, you will soon appreciate that "Dave" is just being one of the great unwashed, and wants to be just as big an anti-social petty thief as you and I.
- Tracking devices are devices which transmit a signal. This signal can then allow "computers" to say "Aha! the bike is over thataway!" Tracking devices are rarely used by bicycle owners, because they are expensive, require the use of batteries, have a limited battery life, have a limited range, and must be put somewhere on the bicycle. Bicycle owners, of course hate any added weight on their bikes. Police sometimes use tracking devices so that they can locate bicycle thieves. This has proven to be a very lucrative pastime for police officers, because bicycle thieves generally have huge stockpiles of stolen bicycles with no identifying markings... well... after the cops scrape off all the serial numbers, useless stickers, and RFID tags, then the bicycles have no identifying markings. Suck stockpiles of stolen bicycles must be confiscated, and put in the evidence room, pending a trial. After the trial, the bicycles of course must be "destroyed." This is most often done by taking them to the arresting officer's home, after which, he has a yard sale
Cycling punishable by death
In the English town High Wycombe cycling is punishable by death. As well as running petrol stations out of business and helping prevent global warming and the associated rising sea levels that would wipe out superior towns on lower ground, cyclists have been dying on the almost vertical hill climbs that abound the shit-hole.
The smell from the rotting corpses has got so bad that local residents and other wannabe bike slaughtering vigilantes can win a cheese-flavoured Tamagotchi or a years subscription to the periodical XXX Hardcore Railway Signage Monthly if they cull these vile environmentally-friendly blotches on society.
Syd Barrett's Bike
Syd Barrett's got a bike. You can ride it if you like. It's got a basket, a bell that rings, and things that make it look good. He'd give it to you if he could, but he's dead...
(See also: Syd Barrett's Cloak, Syd Barrett's Mouse, Syd Barrett's Clan of Gingerbread Men, Syd Barrett's Room full of Musical Tunes and Syd Barrett's collection of disgusting amateur porn deleted from XTube because it wasn't indecent enough)
Bikes can be used for many things.
Bikes are very useful for playing instruments on, and even for saving one's life.
Bikes are also used as hats, pets, toothbrushes, bikes, kidney dialysis machines and roller coasters. It is common for bikes to be used as sex toys in most parts of the world, but this requires the cyclist to "assume the primary position." Many third world medical facilities will mount a bicycle sideways, and modify the rear wheel for use as a cyclotron. Another favorite use for bicycles is as a clothes drying rack.
The reproductive system of a bicycle is so rare that it has only been recorded twice. Firstly, by Sir Mark Terry the 13th in 1753: as he walked under a train bridge he caught a brief glimpse of 2 bicycles mating. And secondly by Mrs Helen Pimple-Twyby during the Air Battle of Bikel-Wheat over Pickardie, France, in 1943 when a German bicycle parachuted from a stricken enemy aircraft and landed in a bicycle shed then raped a French bicyclette.
Bicycles are the hardest animal in the world to sex, because to the human eye every bicycle is the same. But, it was discovered by a John Dakin that the density of oil that passes through the frame of the male bicycle is more dense that that of the female bicycle. The actual mating stage is very clever. The male bicycle slowly moves up next to the female and exchanges air from his tyres into the females tyres. How to check if one of your bicycles has mated recently: Check the flatness of the tyres on all your bicycles. If one tyre or more is slightly deflated it means that the bicycle has mated in the last 5 Days.
The bicycle has the longest pregnancy in the world. Five to six weeks after the female bicycle starts to build up with a metallic looking substance, which we know as "RUST", following a further 5 years the rust will start to take the shape of a small bicycle; in another 5 years the baby bicycle will be able to move. And in another 10 years it will be able to reproduce.
Only the US government knows how to harness the power of bicycles. It is not known when the first bicycles where bred, but some specimens date back to the last Ice Age. The US government has granted permission to a few classified bike dealers. Some info has leaked through suggesting that Cyclopedia may have the correct equipment to breed them.
The bicycle is making a comeback in the cities of the Western world. London has bikes for hire, sponsored by Boris Johnson and the British Organ Transplant Service. Brisbane (Australia) has adopted cycle hire stations as a means of controlling the burgeoning kangaroo and koala plagues in the city. Amsterdam has traditionally been the cycle capital of the world, and any visitor can borrow (steal) a bike from a rack and ride it to wherever they wish, for example, Poland.
Yes, the future of bicycles is bright, usually in the form of a red smear on the roadway after the ambulance has departed.
Why a bicycle?
- Lightweight- Bicycles have a power-to-weight ratio better than tricycles unless ridden by a menage-a-trois.
- Wheels- The innovation of the round wheel on the 23rd January 1222 allowed the bicycle rider to move in a forward motion similar to walking but without his feet touching the ground, similar to propulsion-by-farting.
- Healthy lifestyle- The bicycle is a machine which requires physical activity to move, thus helping you lose all your lard, and finally make friends, and maybe even allow you to ride your weight loss machine with other previously fat people.
- Looks- You get to dress up in tight lycra which helps show off your lovely lady lumps.
- Rock cycle
- Bicycle safety
- The Inventor of the Bicycle
- village bicycle
- Why?: Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike?
- WDIV Local 4 of Detroit, MI unveils a new superbike of the future