Bill Belichick

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Bill Belichick
The Anti-christ, Cheater comenely known as he who must not be named or "Bill Belicheat".
That's a HUGE dildo
Reign 2001-2008
Born Unknown
Locker Room
Died 2008
White House Yard
Predecessor George Bush
Successor Tom Coughlin
Consort Ask Randy Moss
Issue Never found a life partner
Father Unknown
Mother Satan

“It's only cheating if you get caught!”

~ Bill Belichick on cheating

“I mis-interpreted the rules”

~ Bill Belichick on South Park

“C'mmon; it was only the Jets!”

~ Bill Belichick on getting caught cheating

“Nobody plays Madden on XBOX Live anyways.”

~ Master Chief on competition

“I like it when he cheats.”

~ your mom on Bill Belichick cheats

“Someone help me! This guy is the worst slave master ever! I thought it was illegal!”

~ Randy Moss on Bill Belichick

“Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats?”

~ Carrie Underwood on Bill Belichick

“You can kill Bill, but you can't kill his memory.”

~ Oscar Wilde shortly before being cheated out on quoutes by Bill Belichick

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bill Belichick.


Bill Belichick's father?

Little is known on Bill Belichick's birth. Many people believe he is the son of a Winnie the Pooh after some drinking, while others think he could the collection of sweaty football equipment raped by Dick Cheney. some believe he is the son of two ham sandwhiches 23:37, 6 August 2008 (UTC) Nevertheless, shortly after being born, he was abducted by Satan and trained by him to be the antichrist for the end time. By the age of 4 he was given his human body and was sent off and told to become a football genius.

Belichick in his Omega Black Ops spy gear

Time with the Browns[edit]

In 1991, after leading the Giants to a Super Bowl win as a defensive coordinator, Belichick would go on to sign up with the Browns as their new head coach. From 1991 to 1994, Belichick was able to lead the Browns to playoffs each year by injecting the players with steroids. Eventually he was fired by Art Modell after it was discovered that Belichick have been planning a coup d'taut.

Billy and the Jets[edit]

After spending few years on welfare, Belichick would eventually join the New York Jets as a defensive coordinator under Bill Parcells. Together they would almost lead the Jets to the Super Bowl until the third quarter of the AFC which happened so quick and allow John Elway to retire as a champion. After Parcells left, Belichick would be named a new head coach until that fateful night. While having a press conference, Belichick took out a tissue and sneezed so loud that he went to the bathroom. After tossing a rolled up piece of tissue into a waste basket, one of the reporters picked it up and found a message written from snot, "I quit!".

Building an Army[edit]

In the year 2000, he took command of the New England Patriots, a simple organization of pathetic football players. One of the first acquisitions to Bill's team was Tom Brady. Once acquiring him, he began building the army. In the following years, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick would mate to produce an amazing football team. The two gave birth to athletes such as Teddy Brusche, Ty Law, and Bill Clinton. Once creating a powerful legion, the team would begin to try to take over the world.

Patriot Act (football)[edit]

After assembling a team to take over the world, in 2001 Belichick would then have the House of Representatives and the Senate pass the law called "The Patriot Act" which would ensure the New England Patriots will be dominant for years to come. Angry at this, Kurt Warner protested the law before being dragged away by agents where he was never seen again.

Despite this incriminating evidence, the scandal is still inconclusive.

Battle of the Decade[edit]

The dark lord in his typical attire. A hoodie with sleeves cut off

In the year 2006, Bill Belichick began plans to conquer the world. The first target they had in mind was the American Apparel. This T-shirt company giant had been producing clothing for years, but Bill had a problem. As seen in this picture, Coach Belichick does not like shirts with sleeves. Some people tend to believe that Bill began "cutting" at an early age. This stems mainly from the fact that his mother(your mom), did not like to breast feed. However this attempt to capture the factory was stopped by the NFL hero Brett Favre's protege, Peyton Manning. Accompanied by Gandalf and Jesus, Peyton stopped Bill's and Brady's attack. This angered him, and so a year later he went back to Satan for advice. Satan and the rest of the team decided to conjure the biggest demon to ever walk the face of the earth - Randy Moss. With his help, Bill was sure he could conquer the world. At this point, it seemed that Coach Belichick was unstoppable. He would enter the 2007-2008 NFL regular season with hopes of being perfect.

David and Eli-eth[edit]

As you can see, Bill's gravesite has been kept with tremendous care.

With the acquisition of Randy Moss, Bill was sure he would dominate the world. The Team easily won all 16 of the regular season countries. Most battles went uncontested, and the opposing armies were easily destroyed. Soon, Bill had his eye set on the White House. Once reaching the White House, The Patriots were surprised by a seemingly unknown army known as The Giants, led by General Eli(sock-it-to-ya) Manning the Great. During the game, Belichick was caught smoking crystal meth during a moment where he could have inflicted much damage on the Giants. Thanks to a siege led by Michael Strahan, Eli had become a true man, ready to end Bill Belichick's career and his reign of terror on the NFL.


One afternoon after The Patriots were vanquished by Eli's army, Belichick was sweeping his garage when he tripped over some dead puppies. When falling he accidentally opened the cage that contains a tiger. Eager for freedom and meat, a tiger attacked Belichick and ate him. Now that Bill is dead, it seems that the NFL is back in order. Since that day Tom Brady would spray special "gatorade" on his tombstone. The grave is located in the Patriots locker room as seen in the picture to the right.

Belichick, however, using his evil powers, brought himself back to life. On November 15, 2009, he was caught smoking crack just before his Fourth & 2 pass play deep in his own territory.

In Media Culture[edit]

Belichick is featured in multiple Final Fantasy games. He is often known as a boss to fight with the following stats:

HP: 1714
MP: 181
ATK: ???
DEF: ???
Immunity: Confuse, Berserk
Ability: Summons Patriots, casts Scan
Strategy: Cast Vanish/Blink to all your characters to render his scan ability useless and to cause all your enemies to miss their attacks. Ignore the other enemies he summons and just attack his ass.

On some Final Fantasy games, he joins your party as a Time Mage with the Scan ability.

He's a giant DICK.

Belichick is believed to be featured in the Yu-Gi-Oh Anime and Trading Card Game. On the Anime, he is known to be the first person to wear the Millenium Eye before he removed it himself. On the TCG, he is featured in the following card:

Eye of Bill Belichick
Normal Spell Card4
Look at your opponent's hand, deck, and face-down cards on the field.

Unfortunately, the card itself is forbidden in Advanced Format

Belichick is featured in Pokemon: Vick League as a member of Team Galactic. He carries the following Pokemon in battle:



Post Death Controversy[edit]

Two months after the death of Bill Belichick, rumors began swirling that the late coach was a victim of a hidden camera placed in his office's bathroom stall at Gillette Stadium. The pictures were posted on various websites of an unidentified man's anus. Some close friend's identified the anus as Coach Belichick's. The Belichick family denied any such knowledge of the pictures.

Patriots' management performed a thorough search of the office bathroom, and found a hidden camera installed under one of the toilets. Several months later more pictures surfaced on the internet, this time Belichick was postively identified, as the unmistakable hooded sweatshirt could be seen in the photos along with Belichick's buttocks and Tom Brady's lips.

Belichick: Hero or Bitch?[edit]

Many would claim that this great man of fast food fame is hero. But lets look back to the days before his taco sucking days, even before Tom Brady. We will start with the Jets. After being given the head coaching job folling the tremendous run of the Big Tuna or Bill parcells, Bill fuckhead choked, and i dnt mean just on cocks. The Jets failed to make the playoffs under the new lack of leadership. Some people blame it on the players, others blame it on injuries, but the true cause it Belichick could not take over after the great regime of Bill Parcels. After the season was reporters were looking for Belichick to find out what he planned to do for next year. He was no where to be found. An Amber alert was sent out to find the man, but he was found three weeks later at the podium of The New England Patriots. Without notice the little KFC eating cumlicker was announcing his new position as coach of the Patriots. Now this is where things get strange. He walks onto a team with a very young quaterback who is also a star, Drew Bledsoe. But for some reason he benches the quaterback for a seventh round draft pick from michigan, Tom Brady. They claim it was due to an injury but I know the real reasons for I myself learned a few tricks from Belichick and hid a camera in the coaches room. The truth was that from the first day Bledsoe refused any sort of sexual interaction with Belichick, because unlike Bill Drew was not a cum drinking fag. Then Bill made the decision to bench Drew after he refused to cheat by drugging the defense and watching film on opposing coaches hand signals and audibles. Tom Brady, the little cheating bitch, had no problem with this new method. Thats why he looks so good because the opposing defenses are all high while the game is going on. Belichick you are a quitting cheating little man whore, stop sucking cum u bitch.

Bill's story with the Jets was not the only time he backed out of something. In fact he has gone through even further methods to get himself out of deep trouble. Some of you may recall a well despised man named Adolf Hitler. Well this man is in fact the same person as Belichick. After his plan for world domination went south he prented to kill himself. he then moved to America, shaved his moustache, and took up coaching. While a coach for the Jets he was unable to recruit any of his former Nazis. He had a plan though. He quit the Jets and joined the Patriots. Althought this name may symbol New Englands patriotism to the country it is in fact a cover. Adolf or Bill is really inferring his patriotism to his former Nazis Germany. Now with full control of the Patriots he has successfully been able to recruit an entire team of his former Nazis. His practices consist of preachings about world domination and hatred of Jews. The Patriots march around the field with there hands held high chanting hail hitler. This Nazis football team needs to be stopped.