Bill Bennett

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bill Bennett.
Bennett deep in prayer, asking God to bring horrible deaths to all Marijuana users.

William Bennett AKA, Little Willie, Wee Willie, or Little Dick, was the most virtuous man the world has ever known. In fact, he invented virtue. His invention of virtue allowed mankind to arise from its primordial, slothful state of constant drug use, masturbation, and Uncyclopedia editing, thus laying the foundation for a civilized society. Though parts of his book The Book of Virtue were plagiarized by Aesop, Aristotle, and the writers of the Bible, he was of such a forgiving nature that he did not mind them taking credit for his ideas.

Tough Love[edit]

The chief virtue that Bennett advocated was tough love. This involves torturing anyone who shows an inclination toward aberrant behavior, until the person so afflicted returns to the path of righteousness (or commits suicide, in either case they will be better off, having been saved from sin.) Tough love can also be spelled "tufluv" as it is the texts of the chief agency charged with dispensing it Miniluv.

The primary area in which he advocated tough love was in the area of drug use. As Drug Commissar for US Presidents Oliver Cromwell, Jerry Fallwell, and Osama bin Laden he instituted a policy of sentencing anyone suspected to have ever experimented with drugs to 100 years in prison to be ass raped by violent criminals. This policy completely eliminated drug abuse in the United States. Bennett also advised Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Mao Zedong on their drug policies.

Other Virtuous Activities[edit]

As if all of the above accomplishments were not enough, Bennett found time to raise millions of dollars to help feed needy casino owners.

Bennet's favorite food was Soylent Black Fetus. He became a spokesman for the company that manufactured it, saying "Soylent Black Fetus is not only tasty but it also helps fight crime." Unfortunately for him this led to his death in 2020 when choked on a piece of bone in a black fetus that had not been propely fileted.

See also[edit]