Bill Maher

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Maher's Halloween costume portrays Australian funnyman Steve Irwin, who was caught off-his-game by a sting-ray.

William "Bill" Maher, Jr. (born January 20, 1956) is an American comedian that supports the legalization of recreational drugs (especially marijuana), prostitution, and ritualistic animal sacrifices, while constantly ranting about religion and blowharding about the evils of the American lifestyle. All of these subjects are considered "taboo" in American society, where all you can talk about is sports and who was kicked off the island or the dance floor or something.

Early Life[edit]

Little is known about Bill Maher's early life. He was born to a Jewish beauty queen and a Catholic cough syrup salesman father in New York City on January 20, 1956. Despite the jewishness of his mother, little Billy attended Catholic mass every Sunday, and often bemoans the fact that he wasn't sodomized despite his many attempts to court the "hunks in the collars", as Maher called his teachers. Irritated at being rejections, Maher happily decided to dedicate his life to destroying religion, calling his newfound goal "God's work".

In school Bill was bullied by the other children. In an attempt to gain favor, and make allies with the natives, Bill doctored down his IQ test score to meet the minimum clique requirements. In this way he passed for "normal" for many years, until he enrolled to Cornell University and received a degree in Martial Arts.

God of Death and Trickery[edit]

Bill Maher is known by his followers--known as "scientists" (pig latin for satanists)--as the God of Death and Trickery. They sacrifice hobos to him in order to create dimensional vortexes that make time travel possible, and then they place fossils in the ground so they can be dug up years later and appear to support the theory of evolution.

Talk Shows[edit]

Politically Incorrect[edit]

Bill Maher is being politically correct.

In 1993 Bill Maher was given a show at Comedy Central named Politically Incorrect. Maher wanted to have a show where he and his guests would engage in intelligent discourses about current events. Unfortunately, intelligent conversations happened not, as his guest were typically celebrities such as Andrew W.K., Seth Green, Pamela Anderson, James Marsters and Mos Def, none of which could locate Canada on a map. Maher used this show to spread his leftist propaganda of wanting to discuss things that were very important, such as Robert Downey Jr.'s drug binges, Brittany Spears's vagina, and Warren G. Harding's fondness for hot dogs. In 1996 the show was picked up by those communists at ABC. In 2001 in the wake of the September 11th attacks Maher said:

"If only they had just flown a plane into President Bush"

Bill Maher's trick was to rip on the rich white people, George Bush, and Christianity in order to give the perception of being politically incorrect. Maher had his peepee slapped by executives for mentioning some of the reasons why Oprah cannot keep her weight off.

In the wake of Maher’s comments, many Leftists called for his immediate elevation to Sainthood. Instead, ABC promptly fired Mr. Maher.

Real Time[edit]

In 2003 Bill was given another annoying show. Because it doesn't take much to get Americans in a tizzy, Maher, in a stroke of brilliance, simply stroked himself. The show continues to run on HBO, despite numerous death threats.


Maher's relationship with God changed again recently when he was formally introduced to Al Franken at a Senate Select Committee meeting investigating the causes of kitten raping. Recognizing he was in the presence of such an exceptionally influential comedian, Maher immediately threw his face into Franken's trousers and began furiously sucking the Senator, finally taking a face full of talentless-hack-jizz on his chin. Maher then collapsed into the fetal position and trembled like a scared child, murmuring soft praises to God for his fortune. As of November 2009, Maher and Franken have been living the good life in San Francisco's "Just So Gay It Renders You Blind" district, and plan to marry once Will Ferrell (or Kanye West, in a pinch) agrees to officiate their ceremony.

See Also[edit]