Bill O'Reilly

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I'm a modest man. I take my private helicopter home from work, park it in my airport, and sleep in my ivory framed bed under panda-skin sheets just like everybody else.

~ O'Reilly on modesty
Read Bill's new book. It's doubleplusgood!

William Baba "Bill" O'Reilly (born September 10, 1949) is an American television host, author, historian, journalist, syndicated columnist, and political commentator. He is renowned for his strictly unbiased approach to news, and famed for his ability to address the nuances and subtleties of a story while raising his voice. He hosts The Me Factor on Fox News, a program widely held as the gold standard for American journalism.

O'Reilly is recognized in the field of political commentary for his scintillating wit and profound sense of courtesy. His techniques have been described by leading news analysts Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh as "fair and balanced".

Early life[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bill O'Reilly.

O'Reilly was born on September 10, 1949 to parents Mary Baba and Terry Reilly in New York City. Growing up on Long Island, Bill was mischievous, and killed a raccoon at the age of four. However, one day, he found Jesus, who directed young Bill to the way of conservatism and prompted him to reform.

In 1964, O'Reilly won the Nobel Peace Prize for helping wipe out leprosy in New York. His strategy? Compel the lepers with the Power of Christ.


ABC News[edit]

In 1986, great network news and sports god Roone Arledge hired O'Reilly as a reporter for World News Tonight. His overly conservative views clashed with demi-god anchor Peter Jennings, a diehard liberal. Jennings begged the boss to get rid of O'Reilly, and soon enough Arledge budged. O'Reilly was sent on repeated assignments to Saudi Arabia, where he interviewed rebel and "war hero" Osama bin Laden. However, the Saudis barred O'Reilly after he threatened to bring one million Christians and "wipe you damn dirty Muslism off the face of the earth."

Afterwards, Jennings used his influence to delegate O'Reilly to doing business briefs on the network. O'Reilly would always open his briefs with the same line "I'm Bill O'Reilly, and this is a business brief, and I'm not wearing any briefs." The briefs came to an end after only one year when an apparently drunk and high O'Reilly came on air, announced that the Economy was screwed, and attempted to have sex with Barbara Walters on camera.

Fox News[edit]

Billy wants YOU to shut up...

In 1996, O'Reilly packed his bags and moved over to Fox News, where he started his own show called The O'Reilly Factor (also known as The Me Factor). It is a much respected and renowned program, critically acclaimed for its elegant format and unbiased intellectual discourse. The show lasts 60 minutes, during which O'Reilly reads fan mail to the camera reminding viewers why he is the smartest man alive. Then at the end of each show, he shoots two liberals in the knee caps. If the gun jams, he just looks sheepishly at the camera and mumbles "Frodo Lives" until they break for a commercial.

O'Reilly's continued efforts on his show to smite the liberal media and secularists provided means for his selection as a major General of the Second Civil War: the War Against Secularism. This format has proven to be immensely popular with 3,000 viewers every night, making The O'Reilly Factor the 4th highest rated evening show, after reruns of Green Acres.

Political views[edit]

O'Reilly differs from most Republicans in his claimed support for gun control, acknowledgment of the existence of global warming, support for civil unions and gay adoption, as well as his anti-death penalty views.

O'Reilly also leads (from the rear) his legions into battle every December against the vile secular progressives in the War on Christmas (despite his own sabotage to the cause), in the name of traditional Christianity (by his definition of the term, anyway). In 2012, he justified his pro-Christmas attitude by arguing that Christianity was not a religion.

"Shut up!", "Shut up!", "Shut up!", ad nauseam.

See also[edit]

Republicans and Conservatives
Mean and cranky is your only safe choice
Presidents: Bush #43Bush #42⅞CheneyBush #41QuayleReaganNixonAgnew
Supporting cast: BoehnerFoxJesusKissingerKochTea PartyTrump
Loozahs: RomneyRyanthe 2008 loozahsDole
Commentators: BeckCoulterKudlowLimbaughSavageTalk radio