Billy Ray Cyrus

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Billy Ray, left, and his younger brother Marky in the family pool

Billy Ray Cyrus (1961 - 1993) is an American-born newscaster, NASCAR driver, Level 17 Assassin, log truck driver, child molester, spelling bee champion and architect, but is known mostly for his acid-rock style of music. He recorded over one bazillion songs in his varied music career, and instantly became an icon for teenagers and old people everywhere. He had a great success with his Euro-Pop single, Achey-Breaky Heart, which was later covered by the Archies in 2007. In 1992 he gave birth to the single worst thing to happen to music.

The Younger Years[edit]

Born in Flatmeat, Kentucky, and originally named Silly Gay Virus, Billy Ray Cyrus, the father and primary molester of the now loved singer Miley Cyrus, started off as a midday reporter for undisputedly-always-correct-no-matter-what-we-say Fox News Network, where he assisted in releasing Fox's famous Columbine shoe report, or Karr's nose scratch in the Ramsey trial. Billy Ray Cyrus also reportedly has gotten an interview with David Hasselhoff,

Gay Virus is an adamant supporter of NAMBLA and wants to touch you like thousands of innocent children he has already killed by infecting them with the "Achy Breaky Heart" (see Appendix 12), as well as to give you a nice handshake.

Growing Up[edit]

Young Billy Ray.

Billy Mays' next endeavour proved to be a challenging one: He wanted to haul trees.

So, he signed up for a job at the local sawmill where his brother Marky worked, and sure enough was haulin' logs the very next week. Nothing exciting happened during the two weeks that Billy Ray drove log-truck, so he decided it may be time for another career change.

After finding out that becoming a Level 17 Assassin on that online game that all the n00bs play was, in fact, NOT a real job, Billy Ray Cyrus became depressed, and developed a major kitten huffing problem. Seventeen years later, at the tender age of 19, Billy Ray finally checked into rehab at the Los Angeles Concept House. It was here that he finally yelled his kitten huffing problem away, and started living his life again. During his stay in rehab, he developed drawings which would eventually become the basis for landmarks such as The Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Statue of Liberty, and the Arctic Circle, although history shows that he still remains uncredited for any of these sketches.

NASCAR and Billy Ray[edit]

Following in the steps of his successor at Fox News, Ron Burgundy, Billy Ray Cyrus wanted to impersonate Will Ferrell, so he bought a car. With a little help from his brother Marky (i.e. using absinthe as fuel), Billy Ray quickly moved up the ranks of the NASCAR circuit under the pseudonym Ricky Bobby. After a varied career, including many wins, losses, seeing a girl's boobs, and getting enough EXP to finally get to level 18, he eventually retired at the age of 40.

The Music Industry[edit]

“Don't touch my balls; my achey-breaky balls; Or i'll blow up and cover your face.”

~ Billy Ray Cyrus on Kitten Huffing
Billy Ray, live in concert.

Billy Ray Cyrus, along with lifelong friend Michael Jackson Billy Ray's brother Marky, and lackluster studio drummer Dave Grohl, went on to form the greatest Acid-Rock/Euro-Pop band of all time, Iron Maiden. Under Billy Ray's new label NASCAR (New And Super Cool Audio Records), they recorded their hit singles Achey-Breaky Heart, You Shook Me All Night Long, and that ringtone on your mom's PDA that everyone hates. Iron Maiden soon found itself in a power struggle, and eventually this struggle ended after Dave Grohl fired Billy Ray and Marky over "creative differences." That's what you get for having a drummer that thinks he's got something to prove. He was severely injured in a crash in 1998 at Pocono when Dale Earnhardt after the race ran him over with his race car because billy was bat fuck insane at Darlington and was why Dale saw 2 racetracks.

In 2006, The Jonas Brothers appeared on an episode of Hannah Montana, Ep321Blow Jonas and The Papa Montana which would start the boys on a lifelong musical and sexual affair with Billy Ray. An album was released which featured a few legendary hits like Achy Breaky Heart featuring Nick Jonas re-released as Don't Go Breaking My Ahh!!! and Making Beautiful Music Together which proved to be a battle of the talents that were Billy Ray and Kevin Jonas.

Billy Ray Cyrus and Satan[edit]

Billy Ray Cyrus has been in a satanic cult for many years, but kept it secret. It's pretty obvious that he worships satan. Have you seen him play guitar? He plays left handed. And Everyone knows lefty's a work of the devil. Recent studies also show that Billy Ray Cyrus' songs have secret subliminal satanic messages. If you play any of his songs backwards, you will see that most have hypnotizing verses that hypnotize the listener into worshipping satan. It would prove the fact that all of Billy Ray Cyrus' fans are devil worshipping rednecks that have midnight orgy's and burn churches. You can see his actual music video of achy breaky heart and its un censored name as proof on youtube. The real music video also gives you a general idea of what the lyrics really mean.

True Identity[edit]

After much speculation as to the lyrical content the hit song "Achy Breaky Heart", Billy Ray Cyrus announced to the world that he is, indeed, Captain Planet. "The song was about keeping the secret of my love affair with Ma-Ti's pet monkey. After not returning any of his calls, the monkey threatened to tell Ma-Ti of our relationship and I simply said, "Don't tell my Heart. This rest was history," said Cyrus. Also, he still has trouble spelling words with more than two syllables.


is also his wife. She is known for her hit song, Party in the kkk.


In late 1993, Cyrus severly offended college basketball coach Tubby Smith. Tubby Smith challenged Cyrus to a ladder match, which Smith promptly won by impaling Cyrus on a large steel pole. Later, Smith t-bagged Cyrus' corpse, and sucked the lifeforce out of Cyrus. It is believed that this was later a factor in Smith's 1996 gay love escapade with Charlie Brown.

See Also[edit]