BIONICLE

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Bionicle)
Jump to: navigation, search
You're doomed now, lawbreaker.

“I wish they had some knees and elbows. They did have them in the ads.”

~ Some random kid on BIONICLE in 2001

“I wish they didn't need those stupid gears to move their hands,they look like dweebs.”

~ Another random kid on BIONICLE in 2002

“I wish they still had those awesome gears to move their hands, so they look like awesome dudes! ”

~ A BZPower member on Lack of gears

The BIONICLE are a new form of Lego toys with an unusual twist - they are not actually made of Legos. Well, not Lego bricks, anyways. Instead, they are made of "ball joints," "axles," and other weird things that claim to be Lego. They come with mystical "Kanohi Masks" which, give them extraordinary powers, such as the Kanohi Mask Of Keeping A Lego Brand Alive For All Eternity, or the Kanohi Mask Of Flatulence.

These artifical, pint-sized cyborgs are charged with protecting the mystical island resort of Mata Nui, the incredible metropolis of Metru Nui, and all other places in the Bionicle Universe, including Maui Nui, New Nui, Nui Nui, old Nui, and DC Nui. They also protect the Almighty Great Spirit Mata Nui, which the island Mata Nui is named after.

Origin Nui[edit]

It was 1999, and all was going swell for Lego. They had just created the a deal with Lucasfilm that allowed them to produce Star Wars Lego sets until after the Second Coming, and they had decided to celebrate by inventing a new brand. To figure out what this brand could be about, they held a meeting, where the CEO of Lego noticed Greg Farshtey, the janitor, playing with some Pokemon cards. "Aha!" cried the CEO. "That's it! We'll come up with some collectibles kids can trade around." To come up with a story behind the collectibles, he decided to promote Greg to the job of Resident Nerd. Greg has since written the entire gigantic BIONICLE storyline singlehandedly, and entirely without any help, thereby definitively proving that some people just don't lose their virgini-- WHAT? He's married? Now THAT's a plot twist!

After Greg was put in charge of the story, the next decision was what the collectibles should be. Lego eventually settled on masks, and the BIONICLE got moving shortly afterwards. They infiltrated the homes of every Lego fan in America, Britain, Denmark and probably some other countries as well. At the centerpiece of BIONICLE were the six Toa, whom were packaged in weird little cans Lego called "Canisters."

When they reviewed their sales of 2001, Lego saw how effective the idea of six models sold in cans was, and decided to release another series of models, the Bohrok, as enemies for the first models. Then, they released another load of Bohrok, this time shiny and, apparently, cooler. People complained, obviously, but Lego didn't care. They had a franchise, and a mission: Milk as much money out of it as possible. So, they proceeded to revamp the originals, and then continued to release 6 packs of models, all conveniently packaged in color-coded canisters. The models themselves were a tad miffed about this. Why couldn't the bastards be inventive? They lodged a complaint, but Lego didn't care. The models then gave Lego the finger and quit just as the 2008 sets reached the shelves, taking the 2008ers with them. This of course was why Lego rebooted BIONICLE afterwards.

Bouncywikilogo4.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to BIONICLE.

Characters[edit]

Toa[edit]

The Toa are the resident superheroes (or "Toa-Heroes") of the BIONICLE universe. They evolve from useless Matorans and evolved to even more useless Turaga once they have completed their "destiny." (For some reason no Toa have thought of giving their "destiny" the finger, and remaining awesome forever.) Up until 2006, Lego released them as the first line of the year. Then, in 2006, in a bold, controversial move, Lego released them as the second line of the year, and put the Piraka, the first-ever ghetto BIONICLE, first. They are as follows:

Toa Mata[edit]

The first series of the models, this team oversees the whole company, due to their lack of knees preventing them getting around much. If they do need to see action, they can always dip themselves in weird silver lava, and become the Toa Nuva, and get dual-action tools. If that's not enough, they don some snazzy adaptive armour and jetpacks, becoming the Toa Mistika/Phantoka. Their members are:

  • Tahu, Toa of Fire, who established the long upheld BIONICLE tradition of the red guy being either the coolest, or the leader, or both. This guy actually got broken into pieces at the start of the series, but was able to reassemble himself, proving beyond a doubt that the BIONICLE are robots, not some kind of bio-mechanical crap.
  • Onua, Toa of Earth. Onua established another firmly held tradition of BIONICLE: The black guys always have the lamest masks. ALWAYS. Talk about racism... He uses two chainsaws to cut through "the earth"(ya right) and he can put them on his feet as to ride along on chainsaw-like roller blades(oh ya Onua, you go an be bad and tough with your roller blades).
  • Gali, the only female member of the team. Gali is in fact the hottest being in the BIONICLE universe, but the the Toa Mata kinda keep her under wraps to prevent a robosexual uprising. You know the incredibly miraculous thing about Gali and all other female Toa? Five guys and one girl to a team, and there has never once been a fight over the girl, ever. Well, either that, or all the guys are gay.
  • Kopaka, Toa of Ice. Seriously, this guy is cold. He's emotionless, possibly asexual, the Toa Mata's Mr. Spock, and he's... Gali's boyfriend?! Lego, surely you jest! Anyway, Kopaka's mask of X-Ray Vision (No joke, that's what they call it) allows him to see Gali's boobies, and his "zoom" attachment (also not a joke) allows him to see them from great distances. If she refuses to let him do that, he has his ice sword for that occasion.
  • Pohatu, the Toa of Stone. This guy has the ability to kick rocks like they were soccer balls. Unfortunately, this means that in the original 2001 Lego sets, when everyone else had cool tools, all he got was a rock. And some cool shoes, but they don't count. He complained to Lego, and got upgraded to a pair of dumb claws while everyone else was getting awesome dual-action weapons. Finally, he complained again in 2008, and they gave him propellers. Pohatu now plans on leaving Lego as soon as his contract expires, and joining up with Hasbro.
  • Lewa, the Toa of Silly Speech. Unlike the other Toa, Lewa feels it is necessary to speak in a language designed by Lego to be a point of comic relief in BIONICLE. This is made up by the fact that he can fly, and his Irish-sounding voice. He has failed more than any other toa and is a tree-hugger.
  • And the surprise bonus, Takutanakatanuva (also known as Takkie), the Toa of Light! Basically a Toa Nuva, except he got a whole movie devoted to his origin story. He's gay, stupid, once quoted as saying, "The idea of a sparkly newcomer who ends an era of darkness with the aid of his multicolored friends has nothing to do with Rainbow Brite", and everything a seventh member of a team should be. No one knew him before he joined, and they still don't. He's come back from the dead on more than one occasion, but Jesus did it first, so no one cares.

Toa Metru[edit]

These guys kicks some real badass. They take the most missions, they look cool, and they have the hottest girl of them all. Except Gali, who could whup her ass anyday and every day. Especially in that way. They got mutated once into half-animals, half-people but the nuclear scientists who did it to them apologized and they got turned back into their normal forms. After they ate the scientist's heads first, of course. Their members are:

Nokama looks hot even when she's a freaky mutant.
  • Vakama, Toa of Fire. This guy kept receiving "visions" from the "Great Spirit," leading all of the other members of the team to conclude he had had too much "powdered protodermis." Vakama wore the Great Mask of Concealment (Lego was afraid if they called it a Mask of Invisibility, J.K. Rowling would sue them), and carried a launching device that could shoot LEGO collectibles.
  • Nokama, Toa of Water. Nokama, as said before, was the 2nd-hottest BIONICLE chick ever. Which is kind of creepy when you think about it.
  • Matau, Toa of Passing Wind, who is the distant evolutionary ancestor of Lewa. When LEGO came up with this guy, they had come to their senses, and thus made him Nokama's boyfriend, rather than team's Mr. Spock.
  • Nuju was the aforementioned Mr. Spock, and the Toa of Ice. More racism, LEGO! He wore the Mask of Ripping Off Certain Other Ice Toa So Bad BIONICLE Geeks Can't Tell Them Apart.
  • Whenua, the Toa of Rock, kept up the great BIONICLE tradition of giving the black guy the lamest mask. However, he did get some neat ax things that fit together, so that kept everyone happy.
  • Onewa was essentially the team's skeptical Han Solo to Vakama's mystic Obi-Wan Kenobi. He swore there was no way any of Vakama's visions of 2008 would ever come true, which left Vakama laughing his plastic ass off after Barack Obama got elected.

Toa Inika/Mahri[edit]

In 2006, the fandom was afraid that Lego was going to forget about masks altogether, in favor of Piraka faces. Lego assured them, "Don't worry, you'll have your masks..." and fandom breathed a collective sigh of relief. Then, Lego continued, "...They just won't be compatible with any other masks ever made, ever!" The infuriated fandom punched Lego in the face, and did so again when they discovered that the Inika only had 2 types of tools: launchers that shot marbles (or, as Lego kept referring to them as, "zamor spheres"), and "light-up swords"! Ohh! Light-up! Needless to say, the fandom has never trusted Lego since. The members of the Inika are:

I'm the white one that died
  • Jaller broke the great tradition of having the red guy be the leader, or the coolest. Actually, he might have been the leader, but he definitely wasn't the coolest. No, that honor actually goes to...
  • Nuparu: Wait a minute, that's the black dude. The guy who always gets the lamest mask. You're saying he's the coolest? Yep, Lego not only gave Nuparu a spiked mask, but he also got a shoulder-mounted marble launcher, a sword with laser lights, and buzzsaw claws.
  • Kongu, The horrible, horrible result of a botched plastic surgery. One side looking like it got melted and other like a bad case of dried skin. Did we mention he has a lightup crossbow?
  • Hahli is supposedly a girl, but it doesn't really matter, because she is nowhere near being the hottest Toa in the universe. Did we mention she once had a mustache?
  • Hewkii: Does almost nothing. But he can throw rocks at people and never miss thanks to his mask!
  • Matoro: Matoro is the most venerated canister set in the BIONICLE Universe, because he suffered and died for our sins... no, that's the other guy.... well he died for Mata Nui only for him to fall back asleep at the end of the franchise! Remember him! Even though he looks sort of gay and his Mahri set was lame!

Characters[edit]

  • Matoran: Formally known as the Tohunga until a bunch of dumb guys in huts sued LEGO and LEGO wimped out. As part of The Incomprehensible Bionicle Saga, they function as things as things for our heroes to save. As part of Lego's business plan, they function as cheap moneymakers.
  • Turaga: After Toa do whatever job they got assigned to do, they turn into old geezers. This is what happened to the Toa Metru, for example. It didn't stop Vakama from having more "visions," though.
  • Mata Nui: This guy used to be awesome, man. I mean, he outdrunk everyone else and knew all the best jokes and everything. Then he went to a party and decided to have a drinking party against Chuck Norris. He failed, and fell into a coma. He's been like that for six fucking years, whilst everyone makes up excuses and tries to frame his brother Makuta for the whole thing, claiming he knocked Mata Nui out or something.
  • The Great Beings: Yeah, yeah, you guessed it. These guys currently cover up the embarrassing nature of Mata Nui's coma, and despite being more powerful than everyone else, are inept and socially unequipped. Essentially describing the personnality of Greg Farshtey.
  • Axonn and Brutaka: Representing the incredibly one-sided battle in BIONICLE between good and evil (See also: Maxilos and Hydraxon, Mazeka and Vultraz), Axonn is a guardian of justice, and Brutaka is a despicable traitor. Oh yeah, and they used to be friends. As they were battling, they fell in an interdimensional portal that sent them in Soviet Russia.
  • Optimus Prime: "Autobots, transform and roll - oh sorry, Wrong article. Come on chaps, let's try the other place.

Bad Guys[edit]

  • Makuta: Also known as Terry, Makuta Teridax, Master of Shadows is an insane sociopath and leader of the Brotherhood of Makuta whom the supposedly wise Mata Nui put in charge of protecting the Matoran. He's also the Rahkshi's father (who's the mother, that's what I want to know) and a heavy smoker. He's died a few times but keeps coming back in a new form every year through a convenient plot twist.

A while ago, Terry was the brother of Mata Nui, and was just as cool, but after he was blamed for his bro's coma he went insane and decided to take over the world, as you do. Oh yeah, and he succeeded, thanks to a gigantic, diabolical plan, a plan more grand-scale than Darth Sidious's plan for taking over the galaxy, and more confusing than Albus Dumbledore's plan to defeat Vouldemort. Since then, he's taken to wearing a T-Shirt with "I'M EVIL" written on it, just to make it clear.

“You know, raping robots isn't half as fun as it's made out to be; they don't react all that well.”

~ Makuta on Bionicles
  • Makuta: A bunch of evil guys who are apparently different guys than the other Makuta, named by the same geniuses who gave us the Mata Nuis. Apparently, they have magical powers, since they can turn your pet rock into a living mountain that eats businessmen who try to climb it.
  • Rahkshi: Named themselves in hopes that their enemies would choke to death trying to say their names. In fact, the seventh Rahkshi Ahkhackhadrahk (do not attempt to pronounce) died naming himself, and was never able to combat the Seventh Toa, leaving the other Rahkshi outnumbered. These are the ones that screamed "ENGLISH, MOTHER****ER!" at you while shining a torch in your eyes. Let's not talk about them.
  • Bohrok: Mindless drones designed to fight the original Toa. They could roll up to be stored easily, and their brains could be removed for reprogramming. The Bohrok Kal were one of a kind, the elite, the ones telling them what to do. They were all built the same for ease of manufacture, but they otherwise held little use as a toy (Of course, everyone bought them anyways). A few years ago, it was revealed that these guys were actually good, and were supposed to destroy the island of Mata Nui. Confusing, huh?
  • Vahki: Currently, the Vahki just patrol the streets like your average cop. The only difference is that these guys are evil robots.

“Wait, more law enforcers? We ARE law enforcers! Okay, so they can do yoga, and shoot razor-bladed disks from their mouths, but that's redundant. Make 'em sort the boxes in the warehouse, and do the paper work.”

~ Toa Whenua Metru on Vahki, shortly before he was hit by a Staff of Do-What-I-Say and told to jump in a river.
  • Visorak: With names like Oogarakh, Vohtaratark, and Keelerakark, these spider-like monsters were created in a lab, by a Matoran scientist with one insane, cruel, evil goal: To make creatures with names even more unpronounceable than the Rahkshi. They were used to push things around and do menial labour, but after one too many complaints of webbing left everywhere, they left. Watch where you go at night now. They're hungry.
  • Dark Hunters: A disfunctional organization of mercenaries. Quite a few of them are scary-looking, but they usually lack the intelligence and or strength to be an actual threat. At first they were enemies of Toa, but later switch to fighting Makuta after Terry "accidently" ran over two with his car while backing out of his driveway. During their "war" the Dark Hunters threw eggs and toilet paper at Terry's house, but they all ran away when he got out his shotgun.
This one's called Avak. He's my homie. An' he's got balls yo. Fo'shizzle.
  • Piraka: Well, here they are... The world's first ever Gangster Bionicle! Pi-raka, Pi-pi-piraka, Pi-raka, Pi-pi-piraka! This gang of homies get down in da crib, pimping things out and being badass. We don't need no Toa! We've got dreadlocks, they've got silly masks! Foo's won't know what hit 'em. Even if we do live in a garage...
  • Barraki: A failed experiment at being more different models, rather than a rehash of a single design. These weirdos now live at the bottom of the sea. Good thing too, because they're as ugly as hell. Don't go near them. EVER. Well, it doesn't matter, because their squid guns don't work very well, so you might be safe. I said might. Plus, the brown one's dead, so don't worry. The blue one is a hypnotist, so he's clearly GAY!!!

Glatorian[edit]

When Lego started BIONICLE PART II, they designed a whole bunch of new characters who wore helmets rather than masks, and were supposed to be cooler than Wolverine and Chuck Norris combined. Needless to say, that woorked awsomely well. The members are:

  • Gresh, the new star of Bionicle. Now the green guy is the coolest. Lego, make up your mind.
  • Malum, the red guy. He got so mad at Lego for making Gresh the coolest that he killed Greg Farshtey. Lego had no choice but to exile him.
  • Skrall, the black guys, who are not only lame, but EVIL! RACISM, Lego! RACISM RACISM RACISM RACISM!
  • Vorox, the brown guys. In revenge for Pohatu leaving BIONICLE, Lego sucked the color out of the brown characters, and deevolved them into complete animals. Animals who wear helmets. Yeeeeah.
  • Tarix, the blue guy. In 2008, It occurred to Lego that there weren't exactly that many females who played with Bionicle, so they had all the blue characters undergo sex-change operations. What the hell was with THAT?!?
  • Strakk, the white guy, who has an axe that is apparently made of ice. Since he lives on a desert planet, this doesn't go so well.
  • Certavus, the 'lord' of the Glatorian, and a dead white guy. This guy came up with some kind of big solution to problems somewhere way back when, but it's not like anyboy cares.

Agori[edit]

When Lego started BIONICLE PART II, they turned the Matoran into the Agori. Yeah, that sucks. The members are:

  • Tarduk, the blocker of the cool guy.
  • Raanu, the red guy. Raanu was nearly banished along with Malum when he throttled Greg Farshtley over the fact that he had two "A"s in his name, which made no sense whatsoever.
  • Atakus, the guy no one wants to mess with.
  • Zesk. Zesk nospeak. No talk. Leavealone, puny human.
  • Berix, the scavenger, who goes around the desert trying to dig up some decent porn. Some say he continues his search to this day...
  • Metus, the idiot who tops Strakk in stupidity by actually using a giant snowflake for self defence. Hey, weren't the white guys supposed to be all super-smart?

Throwbots[edit]

Throwbots were the prototypes of Bionicle, but of course, 99.99997% of the universe doesn't even remember them. Despite having numerous weapons and elemental powers, all they could really do was play frisbee. Lego considered them failures after not increasing overall sales margins by 800%, and promptly dumped them. The few survivors are believed to be communists hiding in Siberia.

The Incomprehensible BIONICLE Saga[edit]

The Bionicle plotline is completely incomprehensible to the average human, to the point of being more incomprehensible than fucking quantum physics. In fact, most believe it is actually written by the same people responsible for the last 20 minutes of Transformers, and the plot of Mission: Impossible. That has not stopped us from detailing it extensively here.

2001: Why No Knees or Elbows?[edit]

In the time before time, the island resort of Maui Nui was being overrun by evil mask-wearing beasts (or "Rahi." Honestly, Lego). Anyway, six Lego sets washed up on the beaches of the island. Inside were the elbow-less and knee-less Toa Mata, who proceeded to kick Rahi butt, fight evil clones of themselves, and sell more Lego sets than ever before. "Helping" them were the Turaga Metru, who actually didn't help at all and spent all their time looking for their teeth.

This year is worshipped by nostalgic Lego fans who consider it to be the defining era of BIONICLE. Most people think this makes about as much sense as saying that one piece of crap is better than another, but just remember: If you are cornered by a group of BIONICLE fans, under no circumstances should you say anything remotely demeaning about 2001. It provides the same death that you will receive from Star Wars geeks if you declare the original trilogy of Star Wars to be a waste of celluloid.

2002: Those Are Some Big Balls, Lego[edit]

Here, Lego chose to introduce the Bohrok swarms. They were designed to have no feelings or thoughts whatsoever, so that it would be perfectly ethical for the Toa Mata to blast them out of their skulls. Towards the end of the year, the Exo-Toa and the Boxor, large robotic exoskeletons the Toa Mata and Matoran could command, were released, and were considered by many to be Bionicles's most orginal sets ever.

Lego also released the Toa Nuva, which they created by putting the Toa Mata in a microwave. (Note: In the story, replace "microwave" with "protodermis." No, we don't know what it is either.) They also received dual-action weapons, which they got from an infomercial deal that also threw in a free set of Kanohi Masks.

2003: Mask of Lite[edit]

Lego decided they wanted to try being really unoriginal when 2003 rolled around, and thus were created: The Bohrok 2.0, or Bohrok-Kal. Lego kept them out for a few months before it was discovered that angry BIONICLE fans were planning a rampage of Denmark. At this point, Lego hastily brought out the Mask Of Time, which it used to destroy the Bohrok-Kal, and then put it back in the vault until 2004.

Then, Lego decided to appease the fans by promising to release a direct-to-video BIONICLE movie. And when that didn't work, they promised to include the supposedly "legendary" Seventh Toa. Finally, they agreed to the fan's demands, and Makuta starred. At the end of the movie, Makuta was defeated through the means of good sportsmanship, melded with Takanuva to become an odd fetish/nightmare inducing beast (Oh crap, forgot the spoiler warning, sorry),and the Toa declared that Mata Nui would be awakened. So, fans thought, 2004 would feature Mata Nui himself. Right?

2004: One Of The Greatest Years Of BIONICLE, According To Them[edit]

WRONG!!! Lego could NOT awake Mata Nui, because that would end the Bionicle saga. (Or so they thought.) Anyway, they cleverly decided to postpone Mata Nui's awakening. How? By making a PREQUEL, of course! After all, it worked for George Lucas!

So, they ungeezerized the Toa Metru, and set the story in Metru Nui, witch may as well have been Nui York, except instead with less walking, and more "flowing urine" (again, replace with Protodermis) based transportation tubes, which would have been way more useful for the kneeless freaks (That goes for minifigs too). No only that, but to make things more stressful, they added some Robocop ripoffs who where obviously just Rahkshi with dumber names and bendable forearms. Not to mention that stupid Venus fly Trap, and another movie with even WORSE animation. I mean seriously, I would rather watch grass die!

2005: Vizorokarakafoovabagakakarak (A.K.A More Pointless Names To Make More Money)[edit]

Delaying the awakening of Mata Nui another year, BIONICLE instead explored the Toa Metru further. To make BIONICLE more kid-friendly, Greg Farshtey chose to:

  • Introduce evil monster spiders,
  • Have the evil monster spiders wrap up the Toa Metru in cocoons and,
  • Have the Toa Metru become disgusting, horrifying mutants!

This went very well with parents, who immediately purchased 50 billion BIONICLE for their spoiled brat kids. And another direct-to-video was created, with a surprise ending in which Vakama turned to the Dark Side and slaughtered Matoran, killing Nokama along the way, just after she gave birth to the Toa Mata, and revealed to Onewa that she felt "There is still good in him." Vakama and Matau ended up having an epic duel in the protodermis forges of Ta-Metru that ended with Vakama being horrifically burned, and becoming Makuta. (not really)

2006: BIONICLE Tries Being Cool[edit]

Fans were all set to see Mata Nui awakened, when SURPRISE, Lego pulled another delay, and announced he was dying. The only thing that could save him was the Mask Of Prolonging Franchises' Life Spans, which a group of Matoran immediately set off to find.

Getting the mask was going to be a problem, because it was on the godforsaken hellhole of the New Jersey Turnpike-Whoops, we meant Voya Nui. Living here were the Piraka, who were way more gangster than anything ever to exist in BIONICLE. But the Matoran got struck by lightning, and morphed into the Toa Inika, which in Matoran means "We're cooler than thou." And no one was prepared to challenge them on this because they had light-up swords, organic masks, and the All-American Rejects!!! MOVE ALONG!!!

As 2006 ended, fans were believed that Mata Nui would be awakened, and awakened NOW. They believed that Lego would stop this ridiculous delay business NOW. They were complete IDIOTS.

2007: What Happens Underwater, STAYS Underwater[edit]

Ha ha! Stupid BIONICLE fans! Don't you remember that according to the Magic Lego Business Plan, Mata Nui can be awakened under NO circumstances?! Apparently not. Anyway, that's why Lego reached down their great immortal hand, plucked the Mask Of Prolonging Franchises' Life Spans out of Matoro's Technic Connector 2 x 3 with Ball Socket, and dropped it into the ocean. There, it fell into the hands of the Soviet Union Communis... Whoops, never mind.

Anyway, it fell into the hands of the Barraki, whose name means "Piraka Ripoff" in Matoran. After a while, the Toa Inika finally got the hint, and donned weird breathing apparatuses, (forgetting that since they had no lungs, they did not need to breathe) and became the Toa Mahri! Then, Matoro took the mask, and while everyone else was cutting off Voya Nui's umbilical cord, he put it on. This allowed him to save Mata Nui once and for all. The fans cheered, for now Matoro had opened up the door for...

2008:THE AWAKENING OF MATA NUI! THE RETURN OF THE TOA MATA! THE USE OF A WHOLE HECK A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS![edit]

AMAZING! Mata Nui was being awakened, and wow, was the fandom happy. They were so overjoyed, they didn't notice that Kopaka was ripping off Nuju, that all the "Makuta" were pathetic, with the possible exception of Antroz, that the Matoran were terrible, that Gali was less hot than Hahli all of a sudden, and that Onua was once again the lamest Toa. They didn't even have any problems with Pohatu changing his color scheme to orange, for crying out loud! They were too busy speculating what Mata Nui would look like.

The storyline?

The Toa Nuva return in snazzy jazz outfits, and creatures hailing from the Island of Dr. Moreau try to stop them. These include:

  • Antroz, a makuta that has a crush on Kiera Knightley.
  • Vamprah, a mutated clone of Raptor Jesus.
  • Chirox, a former member of Guns 'n Roses.
  • Krika, a makuta that loves to play with rocks.
File:Krika has a rock.JPG
Krika's first rock. Tahu later stole it and put it in a soda machine.
  • Gorast, A beautiful young makuta that is secretly a whore.
  • Bitil, a pirate that once commanded the Black Pearl. He was later drugged by Captain Jack Sparrow, and washed up on Karda Nui.

The Toa Nuva managed to find a bunch of randomly-shaped rocks that they put in a soda machine. When it didn't give soda, the Toa Nuva searched for a cash-back tray, but couldn't find it.

Finally, at the end of the year, it happened.

  • The awakening of Mata Nui.
  • The total victory of good.
  • Lego's business plan gone kaput.

NO! OF COURSE NOT! What are you, STUPID? Lego rewrote the storyline, and 2008 ended the BIONICLE saga with:

  • Makuta gaining control of the universe.
  • The total victory of evil.
  • Lego's business plan back on track.

And geeks and fanboys everywhere wept like they hadn't wept since the whole Death-Of-Optimus-Prime fiasco back in the 80s. Not only that, but Lego then proceeded to put Mata Nui's spirit in a mask, following which they blew that mask OUT OF THE FRICKIN' BIONICLE UNIVERSE!!! It was a tragic, tragic day.

2009: Where the F**k Are We?!?[edit]

The fans wondered what Lego could do now to damge them, emotionally or physically. Then Lego changed the color green from "Air" to "Jungle," gave no clear band of good guys to side with, and pretty much REBOOTED the whole BIONICLE brand. Yep, we just used the "R" word. And it got worse. They also made all the Matoran exactly like from the year before, and transplanted the entire BIONICLE saga to another planet. By this point, the fandom didn't care about BIONICLE anymore. They were to busy realizing that Lego was never going to improve, and finally getting a life.

Yeah, well, then Lego decided to unleash Mata Nui, both in a set, and a direct-to-video movie. Fans stampeded back to their computers, toy stores, and comic book shops to discuss the new developments. They were hyped. They were excited. The only thing that could excite them more was a real movie, like the kind the Transformers got. So, Lego put that on its list of priorities. They are now preparing for a movie that will reboot BIONICLE again, thus ensuring another nine years of dollar$ for LEGO. And another. And another... Heck, it'll be still be going in a millenium.

But Mata Nui sure won't be awake for it.

Controversy[edit]

In 2001, a complaint was lodged by some people living in huts in another country somewhere, who claimed that some words were "stolen" from their language. Despite this obvious impossibility, Lego wimped out and changed some names, but craftily kept others in.

Late in 2006, all of the blue models complained that only the blue ones were female, and sued for sexual discrimination. The rest of the toys responded by reminding them that Guurahk, Vezok, Takadox,Vamprah, and Tarix were all male, and the blue Visorak, Bohrok and Vahki were either gender-neutral, confused or homosexual. That shut them up.

Coming Soon To BIONICLE![edit]

  • Vastus, the new green guy. In keeping with his name, this vast character is expected to go on The Biggest Loser after his contract expires.
  • Ackar, the new red guy. When he saw Berix in his front yard, he imediatly attacked with his epic sword, stole Berix's helmet/mask thingy, spraypainted it red, and doned it as his new, less pre-production-like looking mask. When BIONICLE fans heard about this guy, they instantly yelled with "IT'S A TRAP!" Apparently, BIONICLE geeks are the evolutionary descendants of Star Wars fanboys.
  • Stronius, the new black guy. In a time where BIONICLE is making the green guy the coolest and making the blues almost all guys, it's nice to see that they're keeping up one tradition-No Blacks Need Apply For Cool Masks And/Or Helmets.
  • Kiina, the new blue something. We'd say Kiina is a girl, but after Tarix, we don't know what to think. Even if they officially confirm Kiina as a girl.
  • Gelu, the new white guy, who is the first white guy in BIONICLE in years who is actually intelligent, and has a new mask. Wait... Go ahead and take back that "intelligence" bit, he's still got snowflakes on his shoulders. Sigh.
  • Mata Nui, the Great Spirit who is named after the island. What the hell is with that? Read the top of this article, and you'll see what I mean. Another thing, he's going to be released twice, as a canister and a Titan set! This is clearly LEGO's biggest evil scheme yet!
  • Crotesius, Sahmad, Tellerius, Perditus, Kirbrax, and Scodonius, who are just a bunch of stupid Agori. (Perditus is a Glatorian.) The only reason anyone cares about them is becuase they cruise around in sweet rides.

Legacy and Reception[edit]

In 2010, Bionicle was ended and a new Lego theme took its place. Hero Factory. Basically, all the action of Bionicle without the story behind it. It kept the basic helmet functions and the Agori heads, but the parts became WAAAY simpler and far easier to break by accident. In hindsight of all this, millions of fans reject their old criticisms of Bionicle in favor of having it at all. Yet for some reason they keep buying the Hero Factory sets and wonder why Lego isn't getting rid of it.

See Also[edit]