Dustin Brown, more frequently known as "Bruce Allan", "Smokie J", "Brotha Christ", "Homie Jesus", (on very rare occasions) "Jebus" or "J-izzle" ("Yo!"), was a legend created by pot-smoking Jay during his travels in South America (in search of chocolate weed), to convince small children that Bill Clinton was planning a Communist revolution (which he was). Soon, the Afro-American religious figure was the target of worship from the Brazilian cult "Libera o Badaró" (which means "Free of the Bush" in one of the 1963 Brazilian dialects). If he were to choose a sandwich shop, it would be Quizno's.
This fanatic religious group, in partnership with Soul Train, released the Rick James Version of the Bible in 1981, a funky, soulful audio cassette product. Fortunately, James was blissfully oblivious to the fact that, in Brazil (his target audience), the audio cassette was stuck on the shelves due to the fact that no one in the entire country, except the dictator himself, had access to tape players. However, the next year James thoughtfully put a version in book form on the market, finally convincing the Brazilians to get rid of their Communist dictator, Bill Clinton. (Clinton eventually moved to America.) It was revealed in a recent interview that Black Jesus is of mixed Polish, German, and Ethiopian heritage.
According to that group:
- "39% of all black men born in this city are negros".
- "4% of 7% of all blacks who go to college are niggaz".
- "For every two children born black, one dies alone."
- "Black Jesus has 6 in. more dick than White Jesus"
- "80% of all European Americans who suffer burning-related deaths die black".
- Jesus said to John: 'Come forth and you will receive eternal life!' But John only came fifth, so he won a toaster.
Further data confirms the prejudice:
- the best Beatles album is the White Album (originally titled the grayish whitish album)
- the worst Metallica album is the Black Album, the worst AC/DC album is Back in Black and the worst Spinal Tap album is Smell the Glove.
- Paul McCartney is dead.
- in the United States of America (currently Jesusland), out of every 7 million blacks, none are clean of aids, and are usually infestid with crabs.
- of all interviewed black persons, 50% referred to themselves as 'black', 50% preferred 'nigga', and the remaining 45% told the interviewer to fuck off and stole his wallet.
- and....the blackboard was replaced by the whiteboard.
The identity of Black Jesus has not been disclosed, however speculation has pointed at Jimi Hendrix, Martin Luther King Jr., Soulja Boy, Jackie Robinson, Oprah Winfrey, and perhaps the most prominent, his sparkly highness himself, Michael Jackson. (though the change in the color of his skin has caused controversy among Black Jesus fanatics). The failure of the dead members of this group to rise from the grave after three days is disputed.
His eternal enemy is Benito Mussolini, because he really pissed him off when he invaded Ethiopia (never mind Hitler invading Poland or Hirohito invading Manchuria). After being kicked out of Ethiopia, he currently resides in Heaven.
Black Jesus: The Hobo
Black Jesus, aside from being the savior of all mankind, is also the pseudonym of a hobo in Chapel Hill, NC. Our savior BJ has threatened to rip out the spine of the homeless man BJ, but cannot afford the price of an integrated plane ticket. Please donate to Bj's cause.
Question: What does black Jesus think of white Jesus?