Black Mage

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A Black Mage is often discriminated. He often finds himself to be on the receiving end of extra long black penis, racial intercourse. Because as some assume him to be racial inferior. (to the point of being called Black Slave). He inflicts pain on others as a defense towards these insults (or, in one case, because he feels like it). He enjoys wearing cloaks, pyjama pants and wizard hats, and really seems to be the only smart person wearing the most comfy, awesome clothes (albeit smelly due to hauling spell components). He isn't very strong physically, but is quite strong in Magic: the Gathering. Black mages prefer to party all night and everyday, while listening to hardcore techno beats. Black Mages like to be kind to old ladies, helping them cross the roads and helping them chew their prunes. Black mages are also very happy and don't like hurting other people, with the one exception of defending himself from the racial comments mentioned above. And in the case of one particular Black Mage, some say he's been the outcast of Black Magery ever since he's been expelled from a magery camp. This might be the reason why he's so bitter and wants to Hadoken everyone in the universe given the chance.

He may be
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Black Mage.


Black Mage was first created in 1527 A.D. by the Japanese soul-binder, human transmutationist and Sociolinguistics professor Osuka Wairudo. The exact details of the first Black Mage creation are unkown, although it is popularly believed by the bat fuck insane that Wairudo was attempting to receive oral pleasure from rabid dolphins at the time, when he accidentally exposed a Wiccan to a dangerously high level of Finalfantasic Acid (H2SO4).

Wairudo writes in his journal: "...after the smoke cleared and the brilliant blue-violet light caused by the cognitive radiation cleared, upon a tall pedestel stood proudly a figure cloaked in what seemed to be robes of purest darkness, brilliant and opaque as if the darkness were not merely an absence of light, but rather a concrete thing in and of itself. The darkness rippled - it possessed substance. All the laws of nature and time seemed to fall away as this darkness, this substance stood, transcendent beyond the very rules that govern reality as we know it. And as I removed my now-flaccid cock from the dolphin's mouth, the vision passed beyond my sight, and I saw Black Mage lying on the floor, covered in my semen." However, Wairudo's account cannot be considered authorative, because it is widely known that he is a Grue.

Black Mage's history is not known after this point. It is clear that it changed hands several times, until Black Mage wound up in the possession of the undeniably evil software company SQUARE-SOFT Inc., who intended to use Black Mage as a source of slave labor in their new evil project, tentatively codnamed Final Fantasy after the name of the acid that had produced the Black Mages in the first place.

SQUARE-ENIX Inc. and Black Slavery[edit]


SQUARE-ENIX Inc. had first sought out to use Indian slaves for their project, in the form of the "Redskin Mage". However, Redskin Mages proved to be insufficiently resiliant to SQUARE-SOFTIAN diseases such as Makou Poisioning, Mist Sickness, and Smallpox. Therefore, they were useless as slaves, and millions of Redskin Mages died.

SQUARE-ENIX therefore sought out a more resiliant species of slave, and turned to the Black Mage. The Black Mage was more resiliant to SQUARE-SOFTIAN diseases, and soon a lively trade in this vaguely-human cargo sprang up.

Mass Production[edit]

To meet the needs of the Final Fantasy, Black Mages were originally mass produced by the Bokanovsky Process, which limited their overloards at SQUARE-SOFT to batches of no more than 96 Black Mages per Dark, Sinister ovum, with 72 as an expected average. This process was used for several years to build up Black Mage slaves in preparation for the Final Fantasy process.

A black mage after being freed from slavery.

Black Slavery Days[edit]

Why Do You Think I Wear This Baggy Dress

In 1987, the Final Fantasy process was finally revealed to the public. The purpose of the Black Mage slaves was revealed. The Black Mages were to serve as agricultural laborers. They were forced to use their black magic spells like FIRE, FIR2, and XXXX to clear away brush on large tobacco and cotton plantations. On most plantations, they had to TMPR their own steel tools, and were only given the coarsest, cheapest food. They were constantly whipped, and often hit with LIT3 by their fellow Mages who were lucky enough to gain favor and get work as an overseer.

Black Mages worked long hours, from "can see to can't see", meaning from sun-up to sun down. On some particularly brutal plantations, Black Mages were forced by their SQUARE-SOFTIAN taskmasters to do cross-class training as White Mages, so they could learn LAMP and work throughout the night as well.


Most of the rebellion against the oppressive system of Black Mage slavery employment was done on an individual basis by Black Mages themselves. Because they could not openly go against the system, they did things such as faking illness, breaking cotton gins and casting SLOW on themselves to slow down work, and using WARP to try to escape to the less-opressive country of Konamida, where Mage slavery was outlawed.

The Southampton Black Mage Rebellion[edit]

There was only one major organized rebellion of Black Mage slaves during the history of Final Fantasy, the 1991 Nat Palom Rebellion in Southampton, on the Fourth Final Fantasy plantation. Nat Palom, a Black Mage preacher working on the tobacco plantation of wealthy SQUARE-SOFTIAN landownder Seymour Guado, began to preach for the overthrow of the SQUARE-SOFTIAN landowners by the downtrodden Black Mages. Palom and his band of fellow Mages, including his White Mage sister Porom, killed over 50 SQUARE-SOFTIANs before they were finally captured and publicly hung.

Uncle Vivi[edit]

An "Uncle Vivi" was a Black Mage who cooperated with his SQUARE-SOFTIAN captors.