Blart, an ancient deity whose exact origins are uncertain, is believed to be one of the oldest Roman gods. Blart was the god of bravery, or guts, whichever you prefer. Commonly Blart was used in prayers too give others bravery or to hinder their opponents. Some believe Blart and Mars were grave enemys. But a more common and plausible theory is Blart was originally the God of War; but over time his name morphed into Mars, from many other cultural influences.
Blart had many cool battles where he fought to drive off the infidels. Some commonly known battles:
- The Battle of the Bulb (Year 1023 B.C.E): The Mexicans and the Romans where mad at each other after they ate the last jelly bean. They started fighting each other. But Blart disapproved of this fight, so he used his awsome Chuck Norris-ish powers and kicked them into the future. They Landed in the near distant futer and continued there fight about jelly beans and caused world war 1.
- Crummy Ridge (Year 1324): The Barbarians of Egypt where one day marching into battle against the Green Landians of Green Land. As they where traversing the great seas they ran into an ancient monument. They randomly killed them selves. This made Blart angry because the mighty flying spaghetti monster now took up meat balls. And Blart doesn't like meat balls D: So they fought and Blart Reigned Victorious once more. He ate the Spaghetti god. Then Burped loudly.
- The Battle Of Gravy Mountain (Year 1325): One year after Crummy Ridge, Blart and The God Of Yummies began a raging war. One memorable moment recorded in history was the last minutes of the grand battle as Blart stabbed The God Of Yummies with a fork. The God Of Yummies began bleeding gravy, his last words were "yummy!"
- French Fry Beat Down (Year 1367): Many years after the long all out war with Titans regarding food portions (1328 - 1356) the land of Blart was finally in peace. It was year 1367 when the French were sending Fries in. Those fries would maim the people, by causing heavy obesity, heart attacks, and strokes. The losses were heavy and by the time Blart had an army made he had only few men all of them obese. He met up with the French and in a epic battle they managed to beat the French down with Ketchup Bottles, Vinigar, Gravy, and Cheese. After they ate all the fries and it was good.
The Great War with The Titans
Year 1328 - 1356, A war that truly shook the Earth. The people on Mars and Venus were actually hit by ricocheting bullets. The effects this war has on us to this day is clearly evident. Trees for example on exist because the Titans used them as ammunition. Every tree in this world is a missed shot.
Origin of the war
There are two theories regarding what truly started this war.
- Food Portions. As Titans were quite large they were a burdan to feed. Blart being a god had the responsibility to make sure all Titans are fed accordingly. Blart though bought them dog food and biscuits. Those actions have supposedly proven to have started the war.
- Theory Two is simply they started fighting for no reason at all since Titans could easily feed themselves, many Scholars and Wizards of the Dark Tower accept this as the true origin.
Invasion of Sparta
Year 1328, The trigger of this long brutal war. The Titans all hid inside a gigantic mounted Trojan Dildo in which they were giving to the king and Queen of Sparta. When nightfall came the titans came out of the tip and besieged the city from the inside out. There was nearly no surviors To this day the Trojan Dildo will never be forgotten. There is actually a virus known as the Trojan Dildo which has a long history of infecting computers across the globe.
Year 1328, Blart and his armies approached the destroyed city of Sparta to take down the enraged Titans. Before Blarts armies were even within two miles of the Sparta the Titans rolled their giant dildo in the Direction of the armies of Blart. Over 1500 men were squashed but The other 10 men and Blart were forced to retreat.
Knee Deep In Blood
Year 1328-1348, Reinforcements from other great cities had come to assist Blart. The Titans came to meet Blart for one of the greatest battles in time. Reinforcements from both sides were constantly streaming in. The combat never ended for 20 years. The blood of a billion men covered the field until Finally a fall back was issued on both sides and the combat ended for now.
The Cold Bloody War
Year 1348 - 1356, The world went into cold war. You were either with Blart or the Titans now. Thousands of spies, assassins, politions, kings, and civilions were killed in this period. Both sides quietly waiting for the other side to make a move.
Year 1356, The Titans surrendered offering a large condom to appolizize for the large war. both sides were now in peace.
Blart In The Modern World
Although many think Blart is a thing of the past. Blart Is really a thing of the Future. Blart's legacy influences many things in the modern world. Including this God-Like article. Blart's Influences are in Modern Art, and cars. Jelly Beans were also made in his image. Also some say chuck Norris is the Son of Blart. And will repent us of all our sins and bring us all to Blartion (Blart's version of Heaven)