|This Article is About Television|
Nothing you see here relates to the real world. Or maybe it's the real world that's fake, and television is the only reality. You decide!
Blood+ is a supplement marketed to vampires to reduce or eliminate their need to drink human blood. "Blood+" was officially patented in 2006 by the Jehovah's Witnesses, and ever since, they have been on an aggressive advertising campaign involving comercials, trips to sacred vampire homelands, shoveling out a lot of money in order to get Dracula to agree to become their official spokesman, and, most notably creating an anime of the same name for the sole thinly-disguised purpose of advertising their product. For a mathmatical explanation of how Blood+ works, we have the following math-like equation, which looks suspiciously like it was sporked from the Flying Spaghetti Monster page:
Blood+: The Anime is about fictional creatures called "Chiropterans." Many fans believe thse to be vampires. They are not. Chiropterans are actually a mutant breed of invincible, immortal, blood-thirsty werebats. If you ever mistake a real vampire for a Chiropteran, and they will rip your spine out and beat you to death with it. Why the writers decided to unsult their target audience like this is unknown.
The story is all mixed up and backwards due to a freak tachyon storm that hit the studio in the middle of production. They covered it up by pretending that the story was being done in an absurd number of flashbacks, and even though that's common practice for anime, we weren't fooled. After several months of back-breaking toil, we believe we finally have the story straightened out, and it goes something like this:
In 1808, Victor Frankenstein found a mummified corpse of some humanoid bat in Antarctica while on a trip with his cousin Igor. Naturally, young Dr. Frankenstein fell in love. Driven by his amorous intent, he swore to do whatever it took to revive this corpse.
He would later go on to develop a way of bringing people back from the dead, and experimented on a body he threw together out of the non-rotten parts of various corpses and old soviet tanks. It promptly went ape shit crazy and started slaughtering people left an right, eventually to become known as "Frankenstein's Monster" by a terrified Europe.
Dr. Frankenstein considered this "good enough," and used his "perfected" (sic) technique to bring the Antarctica Mummy back to life. She screamed for a few minutes, plopped out a couple of babies, and then died again. Dr. Frankenstein decided that he only needed one bat-concubine, and told Igor to lock the other one in a closet somewhere "as a spare."
The girl raised in the light is named Saya, and as she grows up, the Doctor is disappointed to notice that, appearance-wise, she is totally human. The girl who was locked in the room isn't given a name, and becomes ape shit crazy. When Saya finds her, she names her Diva because "she is such a prima-dona," and sets her free. The newly-christened Diva proceeds to slaughter everybody, except for Saya, a twelve-year-old sex slave named Haji, and Amshel, a descendant of Igor's who had been visiting Diva in the middle of the night to get his rocks off.
Diva immediately turned Amshel into a Chevalier (a word they made up which means absolutely nothing), a type of Chiropteran which is the absolute mindslave of whichever queen turned them. Haji will not be turned until years later, after a freak accident which occurred while trying a particularly rigorous sex game with Saya.
Frankenstein's Monster eventually calms down, ends its killing spree, and returns to Frankenstein Castle, only to find it in ruins shortly after Diva's killing spree. Seeing that she had killed the man who had been his creator, Frankenstein's Monster swore revenge, in spite of the fact that Dr. Frankenstein had treated him like crap and didn't care if he lived or died. Frankenstein's Monster's descendants formed the Red Shield, an Illuminati group dedicated to the destruction of Diva and her Illuminati group.
That's where I nodded off. When I woke up again, it was 2006. Saya has amnesia, and is living with two foster brothers, whom she molests on a regular basis, and she's having Vietnam flashbacks (which are no more severe than with most 'Nam vets, on the bright side). Haji's missing an arm (most probably due to Saya getting frisky due to a sudden blood rush) and there's all these other Chiropterans I've never seen before running around making trouble. Boy, I hope that nothing important happened after I dozed off...
Anyway, the point is, the producers realized that this anime wasn't helping them to sell Blood+, and so threw together the the cheapest ending they could get, and went on to look for another anime they could use for their shameless advertising.
I've seen the future. No one is spared--not even the children.
I probably should have told you about these people, you know, before I told you what happens to them, but the hell with it. I'm high and drunk and do not give a shit.
“That was easy!”
“So was your brother!”
Diva was locked in a tower for her entire childhood, left unnamed and with no human contact other than Amshel, whom she was repeatedly raped by. Shockingly, when she escaped, she was bat fuck insane. She then turned Amshel into her chevalier assumably so that she could return the favor of his mistreatment. Diva and Saya are sisters, and only Saya's blood can kill Diva (et vice versa), even though it makes no evolutionary sense for their species to be wired like that. I mean, the entire point of breeding is to pass on your DNA, right?
Chiropteran queens have strong pedophilic tendencies, so why she surrounds herself with older men is a mystery.
Saya is on an endless quest to kill her sister, partly as revenge for Diva's (completely justified) slaughter of nearly everyone Saya has ever known and loved, but mostly because in their species, sisters are hardwired to want to kill each other (Darwin is rolling in his grave right now).
After 'Nam, Saya loses her memory and is
kidnapped adopted by some guy named george, who raises her as his own. Saya never questions why his other children age when she doesn't because she is too busy molesting her foster brothers. Having been molested all of their lives, they are almost as pliant as a Chevalier--almost. saya
Haji was a twelve-year-old boy when his parents sold him to Dr. Frankenstein so that he could be used as Saya's love slave. Dr. Frankenstein is just a freak like that. Haji was strong-willed and rebellious at first, but Saya quickly broke him in using a riding crop. However even though Haji's job was to impregnate Saya, he never made a move because his penis was too small. When he became a Chevalier, he was even more subservient, because Chevaliers are the ultimate in pussy-whipped men.
Never call them on it, though. Ever. Chevaliers beat up grues for fun. They will have no trouble at all in taking on your pasty-white ass. I am not kidding--fuck with a Chevalier, and prepare to die and die ugly. Do. Not. Do it.
Saya would have turned him when he was a kid if she had known how back then, and had always regreted him not being able to fulfill her pedophillic lusts. She got a second chance in Riku, however, until Diva raped and murdered him.
Kai and Riku
These are Saya's aforementioned foster brothers-slash-loveslaves. Kai has a stalker named Mao, who wants to save him from Saya's evil grip, but he is too far gone to be helped. Riku has no such stalker, and ends up dead. Coincidence?
When Saya remembered how to make Chevaliers, Kai was already too old for her, and so she just made Riku, which turned out to be a waste of time, as he just ended up raped and murdered by Diva about a month later. Diva ends up pregnant with his children.
Kai wants revenge on Diva (instead of Saya, for dragging them into this in the first place), and so he trains to kill Chiropterans, something which is impossible for any human being to do, except for Bruce Campbell.
Solomon is the least pussy-whipped Chevalier to have ever existed, which means that he is totally and utterly whipped, but at least he could choose whom he was whipped by. Solomon decided that Saya was slightly less insane than her twin, and therefore decided to be her slave instead of Diva's. Unfortunately, this made him undesirable to any queen, as he was unruly and wild, by Chevalier standards. He dies a lonely death.
When he first met Saya, he didn't recognize her, in spite of the fact that she looks EXACTLY FUCKING LIKE her twin sister.
Contrary to what he claims, Nathan is not a Chevalier at all. This is the true story of Nathan's orrigins:
After Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands, they were just the Islands. The part of the story that this one-liner doesn't tell you is that Oscar Wilde was there at the time, and ended up pregnant with Chuck's baby. How this is possible is unknown, as many Chuckologists believe that they never actually had sex, but somehow it happened. Nathan is the ungodly, immortal ofspring of this union, and as such he is a homosexual thespian playwright who can kick the ass of God himself. In fact, the reason he's immortal is because, like his father, both God and Satan are afraid to let him into their domains. He tries to play down his ungodly power, though, and pretends to be a Chevalier because Diva's man-slaves are hot and he want's to get in their pants.
After they all die, though, Nathan uses Saya to fake is death. He does this because he's a drama-queen and wants to "go out" dramatically.
“Kick some ass, son!”
“And make sure you look good doing it!”
Amshel thought he was the strongest of the Chevaliers, until he saw Nathan practicing DaddyChuck's patatented roundhouse kick and accidentally destroying a small mountain. Then he thought he was at least the strongest of the real Chevaliers, until Haji royally owned him in the final fight of the series. Amshel impaled himself on the Sears Tower in shame.
When not losing fights to Haji or repeatedly being put in his place by Nathan, Amshel schemes and plots, trying to create a world without humans, even though this is a fucking stupid goal for a chiropteran to have. I mean, if not for humans, where would Chevaliers come from?
I did not think that Karl was all that popular. Several death threats pressuring me to add him to the list of Chevaliers that people actually care about proved me wrong. Here, then, is for Karl's fans--all three of you:
Karl was turned into a Chevalier by Diva so that Amshel would have someone to perform weird, unnecessary experiments on. Oddly enough, this wasn't what drove him insane--he lost an arm to Saya, and that caused him to become a complete fucking psychopath who is a serial killer of schoolgirls. Why this pushed him over the edge is unknown--Chevaliers regularly take such damage and worse from their queens when they're feeling violent and/or horny. The straw that broke the camel's back, I guess.
Karl kills girls who look like Saya because he hates her so much. He never tried to kill Diva, though--apparently, no one told him that they look exactly the same. He became the superintendent of a girls' high-school in Veitnam, because, of course, when you're driven into a homicidal rage by asian-looking teenage girls, you don't do anything at all to avoid contact with them. Karl is the type of person who, if his leg was hurting, would punch it for misbehaving.
Really Barack Obama in disguise, James was turned into a chevalier shortly after becoming best friends and lovers with Bill Ayers. His idle time is spent thinking about Diva. In fact all of his time is spent thinking about Diva. He is a typical mama's boy and is consistently urged by Diva to move out of her Tyrannosaurus Rex Greenhouse home. He is molested multiple times by Nathan during the series.
Nathan thinks James is hot. Asside from that, no one cares about the other Chevaliers, in spite of the fact that it's a varitable who's who of 20th century bad guys, including several prominent Nazis and Rasputin. Little-known-fact about Rasputin: he liked to dress in women's clothes and pretend to be a little girl.
The Shift are a cross-breed of Chiropterans and real vampires. As such, they are the only characters in the show who behave at all like real vampires--that is to say, sunlight kills them dead. Due to the fuck-all genetic mess that is Shift biology, they also die of something called the Thorne, where their vampire and Chiropteran sides go to war with one another and causes them to chrystalize and disintigrate.
"The Shift" is the censored version of the group's real name "The Shit" which was coined by Moses who said "Were the shit!" after killing everyone at the prison during their escape.
Due to the fact that they can't survive daylight, they only work nightshift jobs, hence the name. They go on a quest to save themselves from the Thorne, but, long story short, fail miserably. They are now all dead, and everyone else has forgotten them and moved on with their lives.
Blood Plus and Gastric Juice Never is full or had enough Wouldn’t dream of stop eating people duff - Why can't the bodies fly without a laugh?