Blue Beetle

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Just before his tragic death, Jamie struck up a relationship ship with Sailor Jupiter, loving her for her beauty and her massive butt. She killed Iron Man for killing Jamie
Say HELLLOOOO TO MAH LI'LLE FRIEND!
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Blue Beetle.

“Hey look, it's Spider-Man!”

~ idiot kids on Silver Age Blue Beetle

“I'm the Blue Beetle, ya little fuckers!”

~ Silver Age Blue Beetle on idiot kids

“Hey, Beetle, I need you to clean the Bat shitter!

~ Batman on Modern Age Blue Beetle

“Si,Meester Wayne, I'm on eet.”

~ Modern Age Blue Beetle on Manual Labor

Blue Beetle is the name of three different superheroes, all of whom suck.


Dan Garrett[edit]

The Golden Age Blue Beetle was this guy named Dan Garrett, who wanted to be a superhero in order to get some. But since he didn't have any cool powers or a kickass origin, he began to take steroids to get super strength and speed, and decided to wear some chainmail to score with the ladies. He kept taking steroids for about five years before they shrunk his junk and gave him boobs. Years later, he "found" this magic scarab that gave him super strength, flight, lightning blasts, and telescopic vision, the last of which he used to spy on supermodels and underage cheerleaders changing, even though they were thousands of miles away. Eventually, ladies got tired of this super peeping tom, formed an angry mob, and killed him. He later came back as a zombie to kick Ted Kord's ass for stealing his identity, but was beaten and died again when Ted kicked him in the balls.

Ted Kord[edit]

Following Dan's death, his student, Ted Kord became the Blue Beetle. He couldn't get Dan's scarab to work for him, since it didn't like nerds with tiny penises, so he decided to copy Batman, build a giant flying bug, and become a member of the Justice League. During his tenrue, he fought some gay Galactus ripoff, stole money from his teammates to open a strip club on a living island, and get gay married to Booster Gold for life insurance. Years later, he was killed by Max Lord for speaking out against Infinite Crisis and it's lack of decent storytelling...Lord responded by shooting him in the head and burning his body. He too came back when Booster Gold altered time to prevent Pirates of the Carribean from being a success at the box office,and now has people think he's still dead.

Jaime Reyes[edit]

The last Blue Beetle was an illegal immigrant named Jamie Reyes. Jamie was employed by Ted to be the janitor at Kord Industries, and also used him as a sex slave, since no woman would do a guy with a small penis. After Ted's death, Jamie ran to freedom and stole Dan's scarab, only to have it wield to his spine, and become a black and blue rip off of Iron Man's armor. It gave him super strength and durability, the power to turn his hands into weapons, and made his penis bigger. Jamie was a member of the Teen Titans for awhile and even teamed up with Batman on a few cases until Iron Man killed him for stealing his schtick. Since then, no one's been the Blue Beetle, and no one gives a fuck.