Bob Dole

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Bob Dole's alter ego, Bob Dole.

“Bob Dole needs company. And anusol.”

~ Bob Dole's note to his pharmacist
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bob Dole.

Robert "Bob" Dole is Bob Dole; however, when the mood is right, he GOT DAT BOOM BOOM POW.

Bob Dole was born on July Bob Dole 22, Dole had a fairly uneventful childhood up until Bob Dole was the age of ten, when Bob Dole was sucked in to the gears of a combine. The injuries Bob Dole sustained were relatively banal in comparison to the horrific event itself. This was due to Bob Dole's father's quick actions (accelerating and rev-matching downshifts). Amazingly, Bob Dole suffered only a broken back, skinned testicles, and the most lasting injury—which has become Bob Dole's trademark—a maimed right hand. When Bob Dole was a teenager, Bob Dole realized that Bob Dole had to become a Republican politician instead of following in Bob Dole's father's footsteps of cultivating 942 different varieties of wheat on Bob Dole's family's urban farm. The thought of spending a lifetime working the lifeless Kansas dirt for three pennies a week was an unacceptable possibility for the young Senator. Bob Dole knew Bob Dole was destined for far greater things than that of a farmhand or going on the Dole;

In 1812, three years after healing from his combine injuries, Bob Dole was provided super human strength from Bob Dole's father, Jor-EL. Jor-EL was at the time, the leader of the planet Bob Dole Krypton. Krypton's kryptonite core was unstable and in the process of self-destructing the entire planet. Jor-EL, and his wife, Lara, determined to save their son, boarded the teenager onto a trans-universal Cessna 175—that Jor-EL modified with five 20 inch sub-woofers—just in time to escape from Krypton's massive explosion. Bob Dole drifted in space for two hundred and ten years before finally crashing in to the American Midwest.

Service in World War 1/2[edit]

One day Bob Dole was at a pub and in a drinking match and this bloke from up south said Bob Dole's mom was rubbish. He then declared war on the World. Bob Dole was so angry he threw a car at japan and it went boom. Following this, giant chickens temporarily took over the Earth, only to commit Bob Dolery and fly back to their home planet of Omicron Persei 8.

Service in World War I[edit]

During WWI Bob Dole fought as a fire officer on the German side. Whilst taking up other exploits such as being unborn Bob Dole did some occasional work painting fences for Hitler and prostituting (not with Hitler mostly). During his time as a fire officer he managed to fight two fires (these later turns out to be 2 Irish people). It is believed that bob dole bought a unicorn and swapped it with superman for a little country called Russia. He later sold this on eBay for 50p. It is then said that a cow went over the moon.


Bob Dole, born July 22nd, 1923, was a US Congressman from Kansas and a presidential candidate in the 1996 US elections. Recently, Bob Dole has been captured by a spazztic collegiate southern boy who has cloned Bob Dole's exact proportions and hidden demeanors and agendas in a devastating robot who nearly killed one third of the entire human population. This event led to what was known is "The Dole Wars."

The Beginning of the End[edit]

After his bob-dole-tastic landslide defeat in the 1996 Presidential Election, US Senator Bob Dole was heartbroken. He felt for sure that his rampant third-person perspective on everything would convince America that he had what it took. So heartbroken was he, that he neglected to notice a collegiate southern boy sneak behind him with a fishing net. Captured by the boy, Bob Dole was helpless, and dragged off into a back alley.

Strapped to a chair, Bob Dole had his exact proportions and brain patterns copied from his body and put into the shape of a robot. Amazed at his replica, Dole was soon struck with fear as he realized that his inner desire for male genitalia had been amplified and reversed in the robot clone. With his lust for thrusting his penis surfacing, the Bob Dole Robot broke free of his restraints, and escaped to wreak havoc.

The Battle of Phalli[edit]

It wasn't long afterwards before the robotic Bob Dole (henceforth referred to as R-Dole) started wreaking havoc. Such havoc was wreaked, that it caught the attention of an unnamed heroine. This diva of light wielded an unusual, yet ironically suitable power: from her loins she could spring forth up to a million and one functional penises.

The two met on a battlefield near Seattle, Washington. Immediately they engaged in battle, with the Diva of Phalli and R-Dole exchanging blows regularly. The battle raged for weeks, destroying the entirety of Seattle and half of Boise. However, in an unfortunate accident, the Diva of Phalli penetrated a Mormon, causing the penis to catch fire and ultimately spread to each of the heroine's lengthy members, and ultimately to the savior's body itself, killing her. In the conflict, however, R-Dole was injured, and distracted

The Lurker Appears[edit]

Thankfully, all hope was not lost. A hero appeared on the scene, ready to spring into action. Known only as "The Lurker", he was clad in absolute obfuscation. His costume's fabric was made entirely out of Fox News political spin, ensuring complete protection from detection of Liberals, Muslims, and allowing him to blend in perfectly amongst everyone else.

The Lurker claimed that he had a plan. He knew of a legendary robot who ran off of "penis power." This robot, he claimed, would be able to survive each and every thrust of R-Dole's poking device, and he postulated that the robot's lust for R-Dole's penis would overpower the maniacal robot, destroying R-Dole once and for all.

The Lurker then set out on a quest to find the robot, named Keef.gif. He was successful-- in a fit of irony, the same collegiate southern boy who created R-Dole also had helped create Keef.gif.

Keef.gif Prevails[edit]

Sending Keef.gif after R-Dole, the Lurker knew victory was certain. The plan worked flawlessly-- at the Battle of Beijing, the collegiate southern boy and the Lurker unleashed the Keef.gif upon an unsuspecting R-Dole. After a battle that lasted exactly three hours, thirty-three minutes and thirty-three seconds, Keef.gif won against the powerful Bob Dole, ultimately turning the robotic duplicate's phallus against him.

The Aftermath[edit]

In the end, four million people died, and an estimated two billion of those were the entire Chinese population. Most animals were killed outright in the conflict, save for mountain goats, who still remain in tight herds. Due to the lack of food competition, the goats have since multiplied exponentially, and have lobbied for voting rights.

Getting the rights, the goats voted the infamous Cary Grant as President of the United States of America. When most goats were asked why they voted the acclaimed goat rapist, they simply stated "Baa."

Is It Over?[edit]

NO. ... Well maybe.


There are rumors that the collegiate southern boy, who had no charges brought against him, has since been sighted kidnapping political activist Al Gore. Who knows what terror will befall the world should this be true.

Service in World War II[edit]

Bob Dole served in the U.S Army fighting Germany during World War II. Though some people have heard that Bob Dole was paralyzed, the truth was, Bob Dole came home from WWII in perfect shape, only to get a congratulatory handshake from a kid, who would later grow up to be Frank Zappa. That's how Bob Dole got injured. Bob Dole was so angry, that Bob Dole sucked out his soul and used it to invent AIDS, which according to Bill Cosby is a form of genocide. Cosby was right. Bob Dole also realized that Bob Dole was one of the Power Rangers. Thus, attacking Japan and Narnia.

While serving in the Army, Bob Dole lost control of his inherited pineapple business, Dole Fruit, in 1945. While in a Nazi POW camp, he used it to gamble, and lost a poker game to Hitler. In Bob Dole's anger Bob Dole made Hitler kill himself which ended the war. It is believed that Bob Dole said Bob Dole so many times that Hitler Bob Dole begged for mercy. But with Hitler dead, the Nazis sold Dole Fruit to your mom, who currently owns it.

Bob Dole was also a competent fighter Bob Dole pilot in WWII, known as "Maverick." Mr. Dole earned this call-name because of his ability to disregard commands and chomp his huge white teeth in the face of adversity. During a flame-out in his F-14 Tomcat over the Pacific Ocean, Maverick, and Goose, his radar operator, were forced to punch out at 75,000 feet. Goose, who had a wife named Meg Ryan and a hawt little piece of underaged daughter, died in the ejection after striking his head on the canopy. Following the crash, "Maverick" Bob Dole spiraled in to a sickening montage of shame and withdrawl.

Bob Dole then performed several Bob Dole Kamikaze runs on Afghanistan. Many iPods were destroyed and the nuclear fallout created a new breed of super creatures called the Lai Turtle Moose. This infuriated Bob Dole, and using his Bobtastic powers, he launched nukes at every major city in the world.

It was then that he decided to run for The Senate.

Service on the U.S.S. Enterprise[edit]

On the evening of August 5, 2020, a Lightmass Bomb was launched at Bob Dole's property of Jacinto. There were a reported 6,342,876 Bob-Dolian casualties (6,342,879 if you include the nazi robots), and although Bob dole was not injured due to the ectoplasmic forcefield that covers his nipples, he flew into space. 380 years past and all Bob Dole could do was masterbate and play his Tamagotchi.

Then all of sudden Bob Dole hit the windscreen of the U.S.S. Enterprise in a catacalysmic splat. The crew brought him on board and he was inducted into their ranks (though on the conditions that he had to have a 20-minute long hot steamy shower scene with Emily Scott and Jean-Luc Picard). Bob Dole served as the moral booster for many battles on the ship's fantastic voyage back to the future. Some of these include the destruction of Earth, the CAG (Campaign Against Gays), the birth of Bob Dole, and the end of the world. Again.

After this Bob Dole committed suicide but was resurrected by a Resto Shammy and then aided the Enterprise in stealing the Deathstar to get back to Earth. On the way Bob Dole could have sworn Bob Dole saw a mutated Lai Turtle Moose flying through space hunting Space Dragons.

After a crash landing and a quick wank, Bob Dole was back home again. Bobe Dole said, "Good job Bob Dole. Bob Dole Bob Dole."

Creation of Al Gore, and other inventions...[edit]

On June 17, 1949, Bob Dole attempted to create the first Bob Dole Super Republican. Bob Dole added the ingredients, boogers and rice and everything nice, but accidentally added global warming causing the creation of Al Gore. Bob Dole said that Bob Dole labeled Gore as Demipet99. On April 32, 1959, Bob Dole said Gore escaped into the jungles of Vietnam where he married three Vietnamese prostitutes. In the late 1960s, Bob Dole tried to create a substance which would subdue the hippies, by "Republicanizing" thier brains when applied to the scalp. This goop, however, made a Bob Dole test subject so Republican, that he claimed he was God. Years later, a Moron- I mean a Mormon politician named Mitt Romney would use it as hair gel.

Bob Dole has been credited for inventing the electric pipe-cleaner, ripped of by Microsoft, and renamed the fun-sized family dildo. Bob Dole is also noted as the creator of the first electric nose-hair clipper Bob Dole.

Fun Facts[edit]

-One little known fact about Bob Dole is that back in 1956, Bob Dole was a very successful stand-up comedian until, in a freak bar accident, Bob Dole lost Bob Dole's funny bone. Down-trodden and depressed and down-trodden, Bob Dole turned to the Republican Party as an alternative to suicide in 1972.

-Bob Dole has tried numerous times to become president and failed miserably. In 1996 when he ran for office with his wife, one of the reasons Bob Dole failed to get elected was Bob Dole's disorder which causes Bob Dole to talk in the third person: "Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should run for president. Actually, Bob Dole likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. BOB DOLE! Darn! Bob Dole's doing it again!"

-Bob Dole has survived many assassination attempts, one from Bill Clinton in 1996, Neil Armstrong, Your mom, emo kids, Bruce Lee, Oscar Wilde, Charles Dickens, and Ben Stiller. The Terminator has had to save Bob Dole's ass every time. Whether or not Clinton was trying to rape Bob Dole or kill him we will never know but i'm sure they are the same thing.

-As of recently, Bob Dole has been often commenting on such events involving the recent incident with Steve Irwin and his insanity, as well as on many of Bob Dole's inventions. Rumor stated that since Bob Dole's social activities were recently on the rise, Bob Dole may have been planning to unveil Bob Dole's latest Bob Dole invention, the interwebbernets, in the next few months. However, this has been proven false, as Bob Dole suddenly released a document noting that the interwebbernets was a myth created by Al Gore, and that Bob Dole was secretly developing Pasketmaul.

-In May, 2006, Bob Dole decided to go on a journey to the Holy Land with Bob Dole's new comrade, Pokey the Penguin.

-Bob Dole buys hemorrhoid cream in bulk.

-Bob Dole has a pet seal named ort ort ort.

-Bob Dole also supports the King of Idiots, whose identity is under question. (A current theory suggests it is George Bush.)

-In 2002, Bob Dole was featured in a Super Bowl Pepsi commercial along with Britney Spears. Bob Dole's reaction to Britney Spears: "Bob Dole would hit that!"

-Bob Dole is building up his army of Lai Turtle Mooses with which he shall conquer the world... And rename everyone Bob Dole... MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA!!!

- Bob Dole IS in fact, Al Gore... But 20 years into the future. He used a time machine to go back to 1984 He was sent by Skynet to kill Sara Connor.

Music career[edit]

After Bob Dole's unsuccessful presidential run against Bill Clinton, Bob Dole got into the music business. Bob Dole guest-starred on a few albums with Johnny Cash and Lil' Romeo. After this Bob Dole started a solo project. Bob Dole reportedly had Bob Dole's own songs as an alarm on Bob Dole's wristwatch. Bob Dole launched Bob Dole's debut album "Bob Dole Sings: Bob Dole" on January 14, 1998. It debuted at No. 1 on the charts. However, Bob Dole's album promotion tour was cut short by severe hemorrhoid. After the hermeriod/seizure/heart attack/genital herpes virus, Bob Dole put out 2 more albums: "Never a Dole Moment" (1999) and "Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Dole!"(2001). Bob Dole won the Most Awesomerific Song award at the 1769 Oscars for his hit song "Dole My Hole", but during his acceptance speech, was interrupted by Kanye West who claimed the award should have gone to the unborn Beyonce.

This caused Steve Irwin to call Kanye a "jackass", and also provoked a pub brawl between Jesus Christ and Colonel Sanders.

After all this, Bob Dole decided to call it quits with that venture, so he could have more time to go to church with his wife, play Call of Duty, and talk about Bob Dole.

The Pokémon Copyright Scandal[edit]

Similar to a Pokémon, Bob Dole seems to like the sound of Bob Dole's name very much, which is why Bob Dole repeats "Bob Dole" incessantly. This gave Japanese TV producer Isaguchi Okahasha Takanawa Sushiyamamoto Tojo Jr. The Third, he idea of having the creatures repeat thier own names on the show he was producing at the time- which was Pokémon. However, Bob Dole wanted to be paid for his involuntary input. When Isaguchi Tojo Jr.The Third refused, Bob Dole was so angry that Bob Dole put a curse on every Japanese man; He shrank all of thier penises with Hebrew Voodoo Majicks. Beware the wrath of Bob Dole! ARGH!

Bob Dole's time as a Sorcerer[edit]

It has been brought to our attention that somewhere in between Bob Dole's defeat in the presidential election and the beginning of Bob Dole's musical career, Bob Dole attempted to go into hiding.

Unfortunately, Bob Dole's debut album, "Bob Dole Sings: Bob Dole" was a smash hit with everyone, including petty criminals, pedophiles, French people and necrophiliacs. (French people being a synonym for the other three). However, even the sanctity of Bob Dole's own home was no longer safe, so Bob Dole went to find a new DoleHome. Bob Dole came upon the perfect location. Here supplies are at low, low prices, and there were many other old people Bob Dole could talk about laxatives with.

Later, Bob Dole and his wife took refuge in the massive sanctuary, God's holy pendulum, for somewhere around three months. During this time Bob Dole came upon many magical spells encased in boxes. Over time Bob Dole increased the size of Bob Dole's magical library, soon forming them into a deck of unimaginably power. Bob Dole then challenged congress and the white house to a game of super-poker. Much to Bob Dole's surprise, Bob Dole's magical spells did absolutely nothing, because George W. Bush was too busy planning 9/11.

Bob Dole's Immortality[edit]

Bob Dole himself has stated publicly that Bob Dole is surrounded by a thin layer of magic mist that will enhance Bob Dole's vision and deflect fists, puppies and rocks, but not bullets, but don't worry because Bob Dole is in fact an immortal; bullets won't kill Bob Dole. Bob Dole says Bob Dole has had the magic mist since Bob Dole found the magic spells, however recently discovered evidence suggests that it comes from the souls Bob Dole traps in Bob Dole's magic pot, which is kept at the foot of Bob Dole's bed. This confuses leprechauns and children after Lucky's pot of gold, because they're always after his lucky charms. When they children open the pot their souls become trapped in the pot as well, thus adding to Bob Dole's powers.

Hobbies and Intrests[edit]

  • Maintaining a strong relationship with his penis.
  • Stacking wooden dicks by the fucking doors into interesting structures.
  • Saying Bob Dole's name all the GOD DAMN FUCKING TIME!
  • Making doughnuts that look like fannies.
  • Car-jacking hippies.
  • Watching re-runs of "Matlock" and "Pee Wee's Playhouse"
  • Sitting in big chairs atop large space stations with planet destroying powers with big circular windows muttering about the "DARK SIDE", and something something "COMPLETE!"
  • Being conservative: (going to church, beating up queers, strangling abortion doctors, buying guns...)
  • Inventing
  • Playing with magic.
  • Playing the Jew's Harp
  • Cheating on his wife with his pet Whale, Polly.
  • Singing songs to his crew of insect pirates.
  • Finding low, low, prices at Walmart.
  • Dressing up like a Pirate.
  • "Doling out the Pain" not to be confused with Saget's "Dishing out the pain"
  • Cutting himself
  • Chronic masturbation
  • Lovin' it at McDonalds
  • Claiming that his "fucking turkey is dry"
  • Trying to reach the moon
  • Eating chicken
  • Trying to defeat the Joker while maintaining his humanity
  • Blowing up Black Mesa
  • Hunting down General Shepherd
  • Bob Doling his way through life (which, because he's Bob Dole and he can do whatever Bob Dole wants, that's immortality... Bob Dole)
  • Waiting on that Guild invite from the Lich King
  • Secretly developing and hoarding weapons of mass destruction
  • Polling about Dolling
  • Finding new ways to get an erection without stimulation
  • Sexually experimenting with dildos and other men
  • Gazing up other mens' skirts
  • Bob Dole?

See also[edit]