Boko Haram

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Boko Haram is a Northern Nigerian Jihadist group inspired by the Tea Party. Its name in the local Hausa language means "Education is Evil" . In every other language it means "barking mad".

Boko Haram demonstrating Allah's love of the faithful and hatred of everyone else

In 2011 it won the "Silliest Name" award at the International Convention of the Violently Insane, and celebrated by blowing up 3,700 educated Nigerians, as well as a further 2,300 uneducated ones who might try to educate themselves in the future. It stands for the reintroduction of Sillier Law, a Neanderthal legal code still in use by amoebae and other forms of pond life.

A Boko Haram militant dressed to kill
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Its offical name is "Fim Bim Lim Bim Wim Bim Bus Stop F'tang-F'tang Ole Biscuit Barrel", which means "Body odour and a low IQ are the signs of God's beloved".


The followers of Boko Haram do not have any formal ideology because they believe that ideas are sinful. They believe that anyone who murders more than twenty educated people becomes a "Jihadi": God removes his brains and takes him up to Paradise where sixteen beautiful maidens will spend eternity making fun of his diminutive private parts. Whether or not this is true, The Nigerian Police Force will certainly be available to help them depart this life as soon as possible.

Does it ever occur to religious types that if Almighty God wanted people dead he could manage it perfectly well himself?


Boko Haram was founded by Mohammed "Allah" Yusuf, a religious entrepreneur who aimed to become notorious and die extremely rich. He succeeded in all three aims. He persuaded his followers that those who failed to realise that he was God's Prophet must die; and that money was evil so they had better give it all to him. In the ensuing mayhem and massacre his followers mistook him for an educated man and chopped him into tiny pieces and made him into Suya (a local delicacy made by chewing up raw meat with spices and spitting it into a hot frying pan). If Rick Santorum fails to become President of the US, perhaps he'd be up for the job.

Boko Haram reveres the texts of the "Qu'rass", which teach that the earth is flat, night is day, wine is evil and dying is good. Killing people who refuse to subscribe to such arrant nonsense is also, of course, good. Some Nigerians have made the fatal mistake of pointing out to Bokoists that all this is extremely stupid; while Bokoists worship stupidity they know that it takes a modicum on education to see how stupid their beliefs are, and kill anyone who points it out to them.

The movement is rumoured to have links with the wider Onanist terrorist movement Al Qbong, whose members blow people up in order to get to Paradise and fornicate with houris, as the Qu'rass promises.


Nigeria needs Boko Haram like a drowning man needs a block of concrete. It has been so successful in stirring up inter-communal hatred (in a country with 52 distinct language groups) that the UN is seriously considering asking it to conduct the Israel-Palestine peace process. Given that this has so far been run by one of the architects of the invasion of Iraq (Tony what-me-worry Blair), BH can only improve things. A really good round of mutual mass murder should help to uphold the Middle East's traditional identity as a bloody mess - and give Nigeria a rest.

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