Bond University

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“I went there”

Bond University
Bond University
Motto Superiora et Griffithetum: It's not what you know, it's who you know!
Established 1987
President James Bond type = Private
Location Gold Coast, Qld, Australia
Campus Suburban


Bond University is Australia's most pompous and ridiculously pretentious tertiary education institution, home to the dumbest rich kids in the country. It is carefully crafted around the sweeping planes and lovingly-dug canals of the Gold Coast, Australia. The campus is made of pure gold, with large diamonds studded around the campus. As a private university, Bond subscribes to an underlying philosophy of Natural Selection: the institution sets itself apart from the generically impure, publicly funded array of Australian universities (for example, see Griffith University) through a careful and strict criteria of student admission. The Prime Rib Minister of both Australia and Great Wall of China Britain often commend Bond for its status as Australia’s only private, not-for-profit university. Furthermore, many sea captains (such as Ima C Rider) have thanked the university for the bright sunlight that reflects off the golden campus, often acting as a pseudo-lighthouse.

Bond was originally established by Australia's most coveted businessman, multi-billionaire and sailor Alan "chemical" Bond. Mr Bond often playfully teased his business partners, pronouncing he would be "shaken but not stirred" when it came to both legalities and matters of fine cheese. Indeed, Bond was described by the US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as "inspiration for all... a genius, a leader, a giving man, a taking man, a handsome man and a fine fine sailor". 'Al' - as those close to him fondly remember him - has his shining face chiseled into the university's magnificent golden sundial, from which all life on earth spawns.

Please also see Griffith University to see that their education standards are so low that they cannot even spell the most simple works of the english language; see their 'Rivalry with Bond' section, it's about 6 words in - 'Local' - HAHA Losers!

Outstanding passion for life[edit]

Bond University students rank Number 1 in terms of working for ones Sugar Daddies (Graduate Starting Salary and Graduate Employment), bettered only by Barney the Purple Dinosaur. In comparison, Griffith University - a dark and historically evil university - is currently ranked 143 in terms of Graduate Employment, and, since 1996, has not managed to be ranked in terms of Graduate Starting Salary.

In the 2006 Northern University Games (NUG), Bond University performed outstandingly, achieving both Gold and Silver medals in every single sport offered. Such dominant results gave rise to compliments from Griffith University Vice-Chancellor, Ian O'Connor, who goofily laughed: "Snaps for Bond students!” Bond University offers scholarships for sports 'superstars' inmuch the same way as the American College 'Jock System' - a defining element in their progress to world domination. Griffith University has lost five hundred and sixteen times to Bond University in their annual 'Who's Your Daddy' Gold Coast Idol competition.

It has also been rumoured that the Bond University Medical School is actually a research facility to create a squad of genetically enhanced super touch footy players to beat their drug-enhanced Griffith competition. As Anonymous once said: "Suck up your drugs. We'll use lasers!"

While this may be a difficult feat, reliable sources have informed Uncyclopedia that the Griffith team is far more used to playing touch with itself. It is alleged they do this because no one else will.

New Developments[edit]

In 2003 Bond Uni offered a range of new, cutting edge Business and Commerce degrees inspired by its founder, Alan Bond. The Masters of Embezzlement degree is an exciting new degree for graduates to reach the upper echolons of big business, and then leave suddenly on a private yaught to the Caymen Islands. The Bachelor of Taxation Fraud is a new accounting degree, designed for the coke-addled inner city accountant.

Early Life Long Learning[edit]

As with all medical students, and indeed medical practitioners, Bond students are life long learners.

Their education, however, begins in a different manner to that of most medical students. Because they are so super intelligent they begin learning about the human body at a very young age. They can speak fleunt French at 5 and, as soon as they graduate, are expected to teach their inferior Griffith pool-cleaners what medicine is all about.

This is a big responsibility and will require a lot of work.