Bones (TV series)
“If the title means this show is supposed to give you a boner at every episode, we’ll they’re all fucking lying!!!”
“Oh hardy har har, a bad copy of our investigations ”
“Where did she get a butt-ugly face like that?”
“What’s with the skeletons?”
“I love their labs, I’m thinking of getting some just like theirs for my next Star Wars movies ”
“Aaaaw, come on!! If they suspect him in the first place, it means he's not guilty!! Are you people so dumb!!”
Bones is a
fake Australian crime drama-shitty gay television series based on forensics or something like that, with each episodes focusing on a forgotten FBI file so old the victim rot and became a very cute skeleton. Those files are brought one at the time (one for every episode) to the forensic anthropology team of Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan by the FBI loser Special Agent Seeley "Restaurant" Booth. Dr. Leonard McCoy stars in the title role, opposite Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Special agent Booth. The rests of the cast includes ugly chicks and pervert geeks.
The show was supposed to mimic a real forensic anthropologist’s work but quickly turned up to be more like some sort of sci-fi show featuring many squirrels and dead people desiccated at a Smithsonian Institute replica located in Australia, how surprising. The main idea of this show is to let the male viewers believe it will give them a boner only by watching it, thus attracting a few perverts very found of free porn. As for the few viewers that do not watch this show for any kind of sexual satisfaction, they are fooled to think the two main characters will end up having sex together when, to tell the truth, Bones and Booth are not having a single sexual intercourse during all the 5 seasons for God’s sake !! I mean: can you believe this shit?! A guy and a girl not even fucking?! They’re probably gays, or else they just don’t show the scenes where they get naked and do their little Kama Sutra games all over the desks of the Institute…
Cast and Characters
- Doctor McCoy as Doctor Temperature “Bones” Brennan Bob (a.k.a. Stupid Bitch) : Once a well known tiger hunter in South Africa as well as an orphan, Doctor Brennan then studied at Harvard (because Australians believe every bright American studies there) and became a famous forensic anthropologist at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC. She spends her time showing off how much of a smart scientist she is –that even if anthropologists do not study science but only how Africans build their house with mud– but lacks so much of social skill that it leaded to the death of her fourteen other partners. This particular personality trait is supposed to be funny, yet it is more often interpreted as utter stupidity and she was nearly send into a psychiatric hospital five times because of that. Since her character was based on a fanfiction anthropologist Mary-Sue, Doctor Bones was granted with special martial art powers, ultra keen shooting abilities and laser beam eyes. She also pretends having a very active sexual life, but she never proved it.
- Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as the FBI loser Special Agent Seeley Josephipito "Restaurant" Booth: Born in 1689 in England, he became a Vampire after visiting a French brothel… Wait, no, I’m confusing the actor with the character again… All right: so Special Agent Booth is a FBI agent that was once an “in real life” sniper –and not a sniper in online war games only– before becoming the Smithsonian Institute’s poodle. In fact, he spends his days roaming around the building, searching through trash cans and harassing the women he encounters in the parking lot, hoping one of the scientists from the Institute will let him in. Usually, it is Doctor Brennan that does so, asking for help with random cases while she is at it. He enjoys wearing sexually offending belt buckles, claiming being a jock and being overly protective with Bones since she is the only woman that doesn’t consider killing him too often. Booth is even dumber than Bones even if she pretends he is very skillful when it comes to interrogating suspects and throwing cats. Yet it would appear it is only an optical illusion.
- Fann Wong as Angela Pearly Fucking Huge Teeth Montenegro: man, she got teeth, seriously! Horse teeth I’d say… Angela is a random artist that sometimes draws what she thinks should be the face of the corpses found at the Smithsonian, often being wrong or uninspired and drawing surrealistic paintings of former presidents. The only reason she is not fired and living in a cardboard house in a dark alley downtown is that she posses magical powers allowing her to create some wicked 3D Star Wars style holograms. Those holograms allow you to view simulations of random deadly impacts on bones plus the murder itself from 45 different points of view with comments and trivia from the victim and the killer himself. She also is a lesbian very found of Doctor Bones.
- Freddy as Dr. Zackary Uriah Addy Weird Name: RUN! HE’S A MUTHERFUCKING KILLER, MAN!!! He pretends to be a professional forensic anthropologist, a hopeless geek and Doctor Bones’ slave, but HE IS A FUCKING KILLER, TRUST ME!!!
- Larry Fine as Dr. Jack Stanley Hodgins: Since his curly hair makes him so intelligent, Doctor Hodgins is at the same time an entomologist/forensic entomologist, but also as a mineralogist/forensic mineralogist, a palynology/forensic palynologist, and a forensic chemist. It means he plays with dust and animal feces then pretends he does so for a scientific purpose. He is well known for his severe paranoia and his psychotic behavior, spending his days at the Smithsonian trying to build deadly weapons. He is also a fervent scientologist and it was because of him that Angela Montenegro became a lesbian horse. He also reveals in season 3 that he only eats larvae and human flesh.
- A Chihuahua as Dr. Camille Samoyed : she is the Head of the Forensic Division at the Smithsonian Institute and a former gynecologist from a children’s hospital in Venezuela. When she joined the regular team in season 2, she immediately showed to Doctor Bones and her friends how much of a bitch she was by ripping the throat of a random passerby in front of everyone from the Institute –but Agent Booth who was harassing woman in the restroom. Following this, she tried to appear friendlier to make sure nobody will be tempted tp send her to the animal shelter in order to put her to sleep. She enjoys barking at Hodgins and peeing in his shoes.
- A total stranger as Dr. Lance Sweet-Ass: Doctor Sweet-Ass is a famous drag psychologist that obviously wears pink gloss and mascara. He enjoys reading the ingredients of his cold cereals then explaining the meaning of the ingredient names to people he encounters. He was brought to the “main character” rank mostly because of the mess a plot hole left between Doctor Brennan and Booth. In fact, Sweet-Ass has to make sure both characters are ok with the idea of doing human sacrifices; listening to their angsty complaints and asking questions he already knows the answer about their parents. He is often offended which is another reason why the producer added this character to the show: so we can enjoy the sight of a drag running away in tears.
- Elephant Man as Doctor Gordon Gordon Wyatt: Introduced in season 3 after Agent “Restaurant” Booth tried to plant bombs in a Cirque du Soleil’s tent while the infamous circus was in town, Doctor Wyatt made several appearances as Booth’s psychiatrist. He was put in charge of Agent Booth’s psychological evaluation by the FBI at first and furthermore took advantage of this situation to start stalking the other characters of the show, throwing at them “psychological techno babble” to insult them or drive them paranoid. He is an aged man with an unbelievable crooked nose who enjoys using a fake English accent to hypnotise women, lure them to his apartment and rape them with burritos while listening to old 70’s rock.
- Snoop Dog as Doctor Daniel Goodman: Dr. Goodman, former archaeologist and rapper, was the Institute’s director for the entire season 1. Father of 35 kids and husband of 3 wives, Dr. Goodman was also the first but last Afro-American character to occupy a respectable rank in the whole series, even if his empowerment is still doubted by many viewers. His sudden disappearance at the end of the first season had critics claiming the producers of Bones are “bunch of old racist Nazis”, as told in the WoodStock Press.
- Eddie McClito as Agent Tim Sullivan : A random FBI agent which came out of nowhere to replace Agent Booth while he was in therapy in season 3. As to mock the viewers, the Agent Sullivan character immediately started flirting with Dr. Brennan in a ridiculously wimpy way and slept with her the very first day they met, right in front of a very jealous Agent Booth, on his desk in addition. Because fans made several death threats, the producers had to get rid of Agent Sullivan the faster they could; they simply made him become a pirate and Sullivan sailed away to his certain death three episodes after he was introduced.
The discovery of the body
The discovery of the body and the corpse's role in each episode follow very strict rules, the main Bones rules being:
- The discovery usually takes place in a a park or in a K-Mart parking lot, close to that
- No main character shall find the body, only nameless bystanders you will never see again.
- The body is always in a Lindsay Lohan-like state, rarely without the usual slimy green or brown goo flowing abundantly from what is left of it.
- Larvea, shaggy carpet fibers, animal feces and dust on the body are not optional or else Dr. Hodgins would be an useless character.
- One body only is found during the episode, except when the victim was gay and had many lovers or when the victim had a siamese twin. The victim is never an animal (or at least not a full breed dolphin and/or red haired boy).
- Racial, religious and sexist crimes do not even exist in this television series.
- The murder has to be original and very imaginative; the murderer must use any kind of unusual and ineffective weapons, from frozen piglets to random decorative poles and jug of deadly lava. Those two aspects of the murder are necessary: in order to create a good episode, the corpse must look funny and must have died in a horrible but silly way so the viewers can make fun of tragedies without feeling guilty and ashamed of doing so.
- The victim must have some little dirty secrets in order to be killed or else the investigation would be boring.
- Every murder and investigation must be themed: the theme must by childish and irritating (example: a dead body found in a barn would lead to tedious discussions about farming and crops between Dr. Bones and Agent Booth, plus guest appearances of numerous NASCAR superstars. As for a Valentine’s day themed episode, the killer would be a fat man in diaper and the victime would have been choked to death with her eatable underwear.)
- The victim must remain mostly anonymous and, when it's identity is revealed, the series' main characters must still treat the victim like shit and mock it. Again, it is so the viewers can make fun of tragedies without feeling guilty and ashamed.
Opening title sequence
The show starts with a cold opening so they say. You can resume that to: the dumb discovery of some dead guy somewhere, somehow; a girl or a teenager is disgusted or scared of the dead guy; there is a close-up on the dead guy so you can be disgusted and scared too. The opening title sequence has to be very short and useless except so you have enough time to go get toilet paper before the show actually starts.
Then the title sequence starts and you wish you weren’t born when you hear the awful ska music playing with pictures of the characters appearing busier in the labs that they really are in the series, a short generic of random names that reminds you of sexual puns, flashes of color and clips of Madonna's live show in London. It looks more like a cheap homemade fanvid on the last Kennedy's campain, thus explaining the presence of many skeletal corpses. Period.
The typical Bones plot is quite simple and follows this just as simple pattern:
- There is a murder
- Someone finds out about it
- You can assume the cops came or something
- Doctor Brennan and Agent Booth end up on the crime scene by mistake
- Just as the hippies from Scooby Doo do, Bones and Booth decide they will investigate on the murder; what a coincidence, the corpse is a skeleton, exactly like the ones Bones studies!
- They find feces and/or dust and/or chemicals on the body; they ask Doctor Hodgins to taste the corpse to find out where it has been.
- Angela comes by, draws sketches of cats, and shows her huge teeth (not tits) then leaves.
- Booth and Bones take a walk that leads them to the suspect’s house while arguing.
- Some scientist at the Smithsonian Institute feeds Doctor Samoyed the Chihuahua.
- They find some clues and start making accusations as if they were playing Cluedo, thus forcing Bones and Booth to violate the suspect’s individual rights for no particular reason.
- The drag psychologist gets offended.
- They realise the suspect cannot be the killer; they find the real killer
- Just like in Scooby Doo again, the killer admits everything and spends hours explaining exactly how he killed the victim; giving some really dumb mobiles to do so.
- The main characters reflect on the murder and pretend they got the point of the case.
Hahaha! Yeah, that’s where it gets funny: it is lame, trust me on that too! Stats show it:
- Half of the main characters were abused children and had to be raised by monkeys
- One third of the characters, including the murderers and the victims had or have a foot fetish
- 6 out of 7 have troubled homosexual relationship and/or irrational fear of clowns and/or of Chicago's Chinatown
- All of them will drive to a plain 50’s style Dinner and eat pizza with Cheez whiz on the top to treat themselves after a good day at work. In season one, the restaurant was rather some dumpster of asian inspiration.
The series' character development is considered as plain filler for the numerous times the scenarists could not write an episode interesting enough. At the end of particularly emotion filled episodes, you feel like you just watched an episode of Smallville minus the kryptonite and the bald bad guy...