“Enough Bonzi! There's Smith!”
“Uh, I said "the new problems in duck shins". Morons.”
“One day, my friend, I shall rise!! Hahaha lol hehe lmao rofl lmfao roflmao!!”
“If you're close enough to photograph Bonzi Buddy, all you'll see is a stupid question like "Do you want to register for my Gold Membership?"”
Bonzi Buddy (Bonziddicus Mauli) is a purple gorilla known for mauling humans, though more recently he has been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, Kirby, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Bonzi Buddy likes mauling a lot of things. Bonzi Buddy is not often seen roaming the wilderness, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Bonzi Buddy is not often seen doing anything is because Bonzi Buddy lives on Pluto, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being mauled by Bonzi Buddy is probably non-zero.
Bonzi Buddy cannot be defeated with these things
Guns, nukes, lasers, Satan, the Pope, Jesus, Vishnu, Allah, lemons, air freshener, croissants, dubs, Pikachu, scented candles, Chainsaws, Stalin, cows, milk, taekwondo, karate, chocolate cake, dentists, Democrats, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, Chinese language, Republicans, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, shoulder blades, chain e-mails, semen, blackjack dealers, swords, axes, lollipops, Jack Thompson, Dick Cheney, Quail, chocolate pudding, Sugar-snout Beavers, Trix, pretzels, Neil's Bike, lances, ninjas, pirates,Bob Saget, Ninjas, Pirates, Ninja-Pirates, Pirate-Ninjas, the Anti-Ninja Organisation, the Anti-Pirate Organisation, breast milk, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organisation, blind people, fat people, Tony Blair, goatse, SpongeBob SquarePants, Online RPG's, Pure Geniu, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent, porn, asians, 12 year olds invading the internet, Dan's Mum, Maozilla, Jimbo Wales, sermons, speranah, cheesy poofs, the system, zombies, pie, clinjas, poop, wheelbarrows, Marth, or George. Even your mom can't kill Bonzi Buddy, owing to the fact that your mom is a Bonzi clone, and would most likely maul you. Attempting to use any of the above in Bonzi-killing will result in you being mauled by Bonzi.
Something to note - on Dave's Chatcomics, Bonzi Buddy is extremely hard to get rid of.
Another note - In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, Bonzi Buddy CAN in fact be defeated by ninjas. This, however, is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing, as Ninjas and Bonzi Buddy have made certain agreements about sharing Pluto (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the ninja-anti-ninja coalition, and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.
Bonzi Buddy can be defeated with these things
- Spyware removal programs, except this can take a while and it will result in a baby dying of cancer. He can also be defeated by Hadokens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.
- The Anti-comma, although it will not only temporarily destroy Bonzi Buddy, but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful.
- Bonzi Buddy can be defeated with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded.
- Bonzi Buddy can also be defeated with abominably bad grammar. If your is Bonzai Budi; stops read before now, you eye fry a start.
- Bonzi Buddy can be defeared with gay Russian vampire porn, although the difficulty in procuring this weapon and the embarrassment of being found with this weapon on you has deterred most would-be Bonzi-killers.
- Bonzi Buddy can be defeated by The Anti-Bonzi and its brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon The Anti-Bonzi, you're still screwed...
- Bonzi Buddy can be defeated by grues, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an grue around with you invariably results in the grue eating you.
- Chuck Norris can defeat Bonzi Buddy. No questions asked.
- EXTREME SARCASM! (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
- Bonzi Buddy can be defeated by Jen Caufer's bare hands and legs.
- Bohemian Elephants, when employed as bombs, can defeat Bonzi Buddy 97% of the time.
- Leeroy Jenkins. LEEEEEEROY JEEENKINSSSSS!
- Jack Bauer slaughters Bonzi Buddy during the commercials.
- Lawyers. Don't even think about it.
- Godzilla, back in 1922. A rematch is expected soon.
- Ninja Chef eats Bonzi Buddy for dinner, although whether or not he kills him first is unknown. Also, eating Bonzi Buddy for dinner is not a known way of killing them, says Oprah).
- Science teachers can also kill Bonzi Buddy, as long as he is being bored to death.
- If you trick Bonzi Buddy into trying to define cromulent, then his head will asplode. This has a 47% chance of defeating him.
- Ted Kennedy can defeat Bonzi Buddy after a long night of drinking and going for a little drive afterwards.
- The Lego-Ifier. You turn Bonzi Buddy into legos, and then take him apart. Then, give the pieces to your worst enemy. When they have assembled him, turn the button on the gun to "Normal" and shoot the statue. Then watch how your enemy is monstrously killed. Hilarity ensues!
A method once tried for killing Bonzi Buddy is to attack it with a Bonzi clone, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.
|Better-than-best-case scenario||You win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire.|
|Best-case scenario||Both of the Bonzi Buddies defeat each other, which is damn near impossible.|
|Next-best-case scenario||The Bonzi clone defeats the other one and mauls you. You're dead, buuuut at least you defeated Bonzi Buddy.|
|Worse-case scenario||Bonzi Buddy kills the Bonzi clone and mauls you. You're dead, and the Bonzi clone got its butt kicked.|
|Worst-case scenario||Both Bonzi Buddies realize they've been tricked, then they team up and maul you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by the Bonzi clone.|
|Worse-than-worst-case scenario||The Bonzi Buddies decide that you make a better sex toy than a punching bag. Imagine that for the rest of your life!|
Bonzi Buddy is also thought to be a message board troll, using a computer with the LED ripped out and an LCD with no backlight. This makes a computer unusable to anyone but Bonzi Buddy, as Bonzi Buddy requires total darkness and also has the advantage that other people can't read over your shoulder.
The only known weapon effective against Bonzi Buddy is extreme sarcasm. This in itself is almost as dangerous as Bonzi Buddy.
There are an estimated 47 Bonzi Buddies, including clones, left in the United States today due to the Bonzi conservation program - luckily Bonzi Buddy and his clones are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being a creature of darkness that tends to maul anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.
Bonzi Buddy also appears in computer software form to maul your hard drive with adware, spyware, and a trojan.
“ Bonzi Buddy? Of course I knew him, that rat fuck bastard owes me ten bucks!”
Bonzi Buddy can be found not only on Pluto, but in all the dark places of the world; your mom's cookie jar, for example. He also has been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. It is believed that he originally lived on the third moon of Earth, named Bohnsi B'di, before it was eaten by Oprah. Bonzi Buddy managed to maul his way out of Oprah's cavernous stomach within hours. He finally ran away and started mauling people and stuff. He rampaged around everywhere, and he was soon overcome by Steve Ballmer's Fucking-Killing rays. He was captured by Microsoft and was deported to Heaven via a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick (where he's waiting to surprise God when he gets back from his vacation). To make sure he didn't come back, Microsoft supplied an XBox 360, which Bonzi Buddy promptly mauled after losing all his mans. At least he tried. Bonzi Buddy can maul as much as he wants to in Heaven, as whenever he mauls someone in Heaven, said person will just die again and come straight back, allowing for continuous killing. This method is critizilizised by some because all people can do once they're in Heaven is continuously regenerate after being mauled by Bonzi.
Apart from Bonzi himself (Bonziddicus Mauli), there are many differently-named offsprings of him.
Russian Bonzi Buddy (Bonziddicus Mauli Sovietae)
“In Soviet Russia, Bonzi Buddy is likely to be mauled by YOU!!”
The rare Russian Bonzi Buddy can be defeated by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Bonzi Buddy reproduces with the regular Bonzi Buddy, it will create a puppy. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Bonzi Buddy? Not it!
Olde Bonzi (Bonziddicus Mauli Medievalis)
Old Bonzi, seen on the left, was a chivalrous and swordwielding knight, who would (unlike today's Bonzi Buddy) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was mauled, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to hard fists and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Bonzi Buddy liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when he was unable to resist mauling the damsel. This was very troublesome Old Bonzi and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be mauled by Old Bonzi. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of Old Bonzi's mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed him off.
For a short time, Kirby was considered to be a Bonzi offspring, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.
Though not technically a subspecies, "Bonzi Buddy" is also a living plant found on Mars.
How to Deal With Bonzi Buddy
- Scream and die.
- Scream, struggle, and die.
- Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
- Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
- Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
- Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
- Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Bonzi Buddy loves the Italian language, so it will subdue him for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, Bonzi Buddy will still maul you.
- Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Bonzi Buddy hates Michael Bolton. Of course he will still maul you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated Bonzi Buddy.
- Bring along Chuck Norris. Enough said.
- Use extreme sarcasm.
- Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be mauled, but it is a fun activity.
- Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
- DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
- It is a little known fact that Bonzi Buddy likes hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to Bonzi Buddy will extend your life by 17 syllables.
- Wrap a towel around your head. Although Bonzi Buddy will still maul you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier.
- Yell for your mom over and over again until you die.
- Call for a republican, and die.
- Continually masturbate. That's right. Day in, day out. It'll work, so long as there are puppies in the world.
One example of how to deal with Bonzi Buddy is shown here.
Some people recommend using anti-virus software, as according to the legend this will cause Bonzi Buddy to 'vanish'. Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to an anti-virus software; notwithstanding, the Great Ice Creature of Neptune. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only Bonzi Buddy clones which can survive this software will survive, and eventually only these clones will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill Bonzi Buddy with a Republican, as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause Bonzi Buddy to melt away as he is allergic to non-natural sounds.
It is recomended that you always keep a republican and a T.V. in your home to kill Bonzi Buddy if he is near your home.
- Maby in some rare cases.
Hey, look, a monkey!A monkey? Where?Over there, see!Oh yeah... I see it now!See that sword sticking through your back?Yeah, but I'm not dead.Damn.I'm Bonzi Buddy.
So you were right.Yep.So you're gonna maul me?Yep.Oka- AHH HELP ME! AHHH!Ha-haw!
Shit! I'm dead... Nobody reads this so I will keep going. This sucks. At least I got fried chicken