“THERE SHE BLOWS!”
“In Soviet Russia, books read YOU!”
“Uh, I can't read or write”
“It was a pleasure to burn.”
“Nigga, wats books?”
“It was a pleasure to... wait, we're talking about marijuana, right?”
“M-O-O-N, that spells books.”
“Iи кюммцйіѕт Яцssia, aятicгзs язad чюц!!”
“Book. Book. Uh huh, uh huh. Book. Uh huh.”
“They look like fucking square potatoes to me.”
“Commonly found in the language of Pig Latin.”
Books are collections of paper with words on them used throughout history. They became obsolete in the 20th century with the invention of the television, however some still write them for unknown reasons. Most suspect boredom, however books are shown to actually increase boredom, making the whole thing pretty useless.
The Origin of Books
Way back in Ye Olden Times (think: before your parents were born) , books were invented for the sole purpose of entertaining the peasants while they were not working in the fields (even though they were illiterate). Before books, the entertainment of watching the fire burn or shouting "poink!" at unsuspecting pigeons was the most entertaining entertainment that the lowly peasants could have. But watching these fires caused notable injuries to the peasants when they attempted to make the fire more interactive. The land owners could not deal with all these losses of labor, so they created the first books. These books were, like today, a collection of letters including vowels and letters that aren't vowels to make funny sounds. Outside of dogs, books were considered to be man's best friend. Inside of dogs, however, it is too dark to read. Smart People read books. Haha yeah smart people read a lot of books. My english teacher reads a book a week and says if you do that, you'll be rich!
With books well established an entertainment devices, some authors attempted to write books to teach readers the fundamentals of new ideas, like reading. Man at this time also felt that writing was incredibly stupid and or boring, therefore they wrote about the stupidity of it on their Internet blogs. This was detrimental to many writers, as it increased unpopularity. Man continued to use books in the same way they used fire (and sharp rocks): by throwing it at each other for fun. Soon after Jesus was resurrected under the title of Anakin Skywalker, books then became a dangerous weapon. During World War Q (18E4-2002A) books regarding Anal Masturbation using the classic string-and-rock technique were published. They are believed to be written by Mr. Rogers.
Some Middle Bit
New-Age authors like Oscar Wilde set out to revolutionize the world of books with novels like Who's On First? and Everybody Gets It In The Ass. These novels were claimed to have magical powers over the mind. While this was total bullshit, it did help push the sales of books. Another popular book at this time was Mein Kampf. This was a book written by a man named Adolf Hitler. Some people didn't really like to hang out with this man, but he fixed that. Big time. This book was about his plan to make the world a better place, but people like America tried to talk him out of it.
How The Book Came To Be
Back in the early ages of man, the book was created, but soon perished after the world was taken over by the possessed llama king and his servants. they took the characters and made them make sandwiches for the colony. That is why the sandwich is now like a book. The book soon came back when the llama king bit into a freshly fermented mayo and gummy bear sandwich and fell ill. He was told by his imaginary friend that he should kill all of his servants and befall prisoner to the book. The book soon went through time to become what it is today and all stories are written about the llama, except the characters have different names and have all gone through evolution. so every animal came from a llama descendant. books are like sandwiches because they have layers. Some books also have jucie toppings inside.
Questions or Comments about the insane creators of this article are not tolerated and if u mess with this article, the llama king will haunt all living turkey sandwiches for the rest of eternity.
As people grew older their opinions changed: those who had conservative ideas became liberal buttholes. Liberal buttholes became nazis. However, New-New-New-Age author Bill O'Reilly decided to help sway them even more to the dark side. His infamous book "God is watching you Masturbate (and boy is he mad!)" (Later revisions would bring a new name "The Holy Bible") sold 12 copies. That may not sound like a lot, but remember, the global population at that time was about five. And then Adolf Hitler said he was a lesbian who loves to get pineapples shoved up his ass
Judging Books by Their Cover
Judging a book by its cover is probably the most popular strategy of speed reading. Why read all those pages when the cover tells you more, amirite? There are certain aspects to take into consideration when a book is being judged by its cover. For instance, according to Freudian psychology, a door on the cover of a book is a vagina; therefore, the book is a porn magazine.
Books vs Television
Ever since the invention of Television, book sales have been on a decline. It has been well documented that Television is more accurate, since everything on TV is 100% true, and most of the time books are all lies. It has also been well documented that Television is faster, stronger, and more powerful.
The COD Coalition Of Dumbasses retaliated with adding print to the inside of books to help boost sales. This helped to the degree that they expected, but TV had gained the majority of market share, it would have been only a matter of time before people abandoned books for good.
The COD even went as far as to try and put books on TV. While PBS was popular at first, the government continued to cut funding, until they relied on hitting people up for money on the streets. Relatives of the original PBS employees still do this today, they are more commonly known as bums or hobos.
Books in Popular Culture Today
Today, books play a supporting role. They are used in institutions called Schools (say it slowly), often used as a torture device, or a means of cheap labor. Without books, these institutions would have little to no meaning.
Books are also used in very large corporations. They are found in the offices of important figureheads, used to strike terror in the hearts of potential employees. Titles like The Art of War and The Dictionary (Damn, that's a tough read!) were written just for this purpose.
Books have also started a rebirth process. Google has started to put books on the Internet. These are called "Web Pages." This may be difficult for you (yes, you!) to comprehend at first, so take your time.
Books can also be used as hats.
Uses of Books
In the typical American home three or four books can be found, however they are generally used to replace a missing couch leg or to prop the dinner table up so that food doesn't slide off. This has been common practice since Oscar Wilde started a Borders book store. They have an entire section for this purpose, under the guise of "Staff Favorites". And silly you were buying them to read. Ha! Nerd.
In a pinch, the Boy Scout's handbook suggests using a book as toilet paper (ever wonder what those blank pages at the end of books were for? Yeah). The Bible also comes in two-ply for just this purpose. The Koran and Torah (read: Ripoffs) are still a bit rough on the ass.
In Japan, skilled ninjas are trained in the use of books as weapons. This order of ninja are known as librarians. They dress in plain clothes and are usually disguised as old women who gave up on men a long time ago (see: lesbian, bitch, and cunt). These ninjas are highly dangerous, so stay away from the Library at all costs. There is no reason a sane person would ever need to enter the Library, unless dragged there by his stupid girlfriend. So, just... keep walking. I repeat: DO NOT GO IN THERE!
yeah read books, but this is in dispute in the scientific community, as there are written documents which clearly state otherwise. The last known sighting of a "bookie" was in the eighties. He was later dissected and eventually eaten to gain his knowledge. But since no one is intelligent enough to read any more, the scientific community doesn't really have any such documents, and instead runs around trying to knock over gimps with pogo sticks (it's kind of like Cow-Tipping, but a lot more fun).
books are also good for burning, and have been burned on many occasions, mainly by the Nazis, who were so bat-fuck insane that they couldn't read them anyways, so they just burned them for warmth and entertainment.
The New BOOK
Those pieces of paper bound together are so yesterday. Stefan Holtrey invented books somewhere in the late 1800s and has written several since.
Announcing the new, revolutionary device known as the Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge. more information to be found at The Inventor's Page
Hitler, books, and you
It is believed that when Hitler was born to his homosexual Jewish parents, they introduced him to books. Eventually, he wandered off from books about peace and tranquility, and got into books about why he is better than everyone, leading to the killing of more than 6,000,000 leprechauns, dwarfs, pixies, half lings and other unimportant people (like Jews, homosexuals, gypsies, and your three mothers.). Eventually, Hitler's brother released this information to the general public, hoping that someone would create a time machine and go back to give Hitler the sandwich he couldn't have that drove him to killing in the first place. Some people still believe books did it, but they're wrong. Like you.
The Death of Books
It is estimated that 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999% of all human beings on the face of the earth born after 1990 have never read a book in their lives...Alas books died when twilight was written.
Kindling, burning, bitch slapping, burning, not reading, burning, and kitten huffing with ripped out pages. Did I mention burning?