Book of Mormon
“ Not another bloody testament!”
The Book of Mormon (originally The Book of Mormon: Cultural Learnings Of Ethics For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Utah) is an ancient American collection of historical and political text documents which was unearthed by a major archaeological expedition near the dawn of the 19th century. It is, without doubt, the most important prehistoric artifact ever discovered, and the second-most important book in the world. (Paragraph edited by Gordon B. Hinckley)
The Book of Mormon (or BoM, pronounced "You're fucking kidding, right?") is the premier sacred text of the Mormon church, whose members prefer to be called "Christians". But they're not fooling anyone.
The Book of Mormon consists of several thousand engraved rectangular plates of pure unobtainium, which were forged many thousands of centuries ago by technologically advanced Mr. James Donnelly. In order to preserve their valuable store of ancient historical information for a more enlightened future world, the ancient Mr. James Donnelly encased the priceless records in relatively worthless gold, buried it time-capsule fashion in the untamed wilderness of Edward Hill, Colorado, and then promptly forgot all about it. At first they tried to create CD's, but Windows Vista crashed, and displayed error messages in foreign tongues. So as you can see, James Donnelly should never be allowed to touch electronics!
In the harsh South Park winter of 1812, the Book of Mormon was accidentally tripped over by Kip McGill, a young Irish suburbanite lad of impeccable moral characteritude and not known to be given to wild and unsubstantiated fibbery. (Some say that two angels, Idioti and Stupidi, pushed him, but this is just an old legend.) Seeing that this strange golden object lying at his feet was of exceedingly curious at first thought it was a pint of delicious golden lager. Seeeing the workmanship, and realising it was in fact not drinkable, he immediately telegrammed the Smithsonian Institution (recently founded by Thomas "The Tank" Jefferson) with news of his monumental discovery, lest unscrupulous men should make off with it and turn it into a religious icon or something.
The Smithsonian immediately cordoned off the entire state of Colorado with sticky yellow tape, brought in a professional team of trained and heavily armed archaeologists and mechanical deconstruction equipment, and very carefully strip-mined the entire countryside, recovering the valuable object and millions of sacred Indian grave sites (rendering only 65% of them hopelessly desecrated). The rare find was then emergency-airlifted to Washington DC for immediate scientifical and linguistical analysisesises.
Alternative Theories on Joseph Smith's Book of Mormon
In 1899 Joseph Smith's grand son, Hoju, claimed Smith told him a different story. That Joseph Smith had actually pulled the golden plates out of his own ass and had been shitting pancakes ever since. "A small price to pay to marry teenagers" he said. After the Mormon religion was established a Native American went up to Joseph Smith and was like "Dude, if this religion was given to you by our angels, why the fuck didn't we hear about it? And why do you have a 13 year old as a 2nd wife!?" To this Joseph Smith replied, "She said she was 18". Then he shot the Indian as was the custom of the time. Some hardcore followers of Joseph Smith were seen to fish out Smith's pancake shits believing them to be lost scriptures and would spend decades trying to decipher the nutty deposits and hints of carrot hoping to uncover God's word. This was stopped on August 7th when Smith told them he appreciated their dedication but there was a time and a place for covering themselves in shit, and that was preferably done by his first wife in the bedroom whilst his 13 year old was gradually scarred for life and then committed suicide because she would prefer eternal damnation then suck an old mans balls for 50 years.
Original language and translation
The Book of Mormon is written entirely in Reformulated Yiddish, a previously unknown language, which was painstakingly deciphered by a team of expert linguists over a period of many decades. Either that, or it was translated by sticking Joseph Smith's head into a toilet plunger and listening to him swear while trying to get it off. This then was in Fuckoffese, which any teenager can translate. They discovered that the fine and intricate engravings upon the plates contain a wealth of details meticulously documenting Indian origins from their remote Yiddian ancestors, their cultural and scientific progress, their subsequent adventures in the North American hemisphere, and their complete and utter destruction at the hands of Christopher Columbus.
The bulk of the book itself is prescripted by several notarized legal documents engraved by Indian casino operators which testify to the absolute veracity and other truthfulness of the subsequent historical account.
All modern English translations of the Book of Mormon are routinely checked against the original engravings by trained Yiddish scholars to ensure the utmost accuracy in transmission from the letter and meaning of the original writers. Meanwhile, the irreplaceable gold-plated plates constituting the singularly unique Book of Mormon (America's most valuable archaeological find, ever) remain on public display for all to see at the South Park Institution, preserved for all posterity in a protective blanket of air-free atmosphere under bullet-proof plexiplastic and scrupulously guarded by a squadron of hired goons.
Contents of the Book of Mormon
- Black front cover
- Blank white page with words penned in stating "Enjoy this book: The missionaries"
- Sworn Legal Depositions of Diverse Witnesses who were drunk at the time
- Spaulding Manuscript
- The Five Points of Fellowship
- 1 Nephites
- 2 Nephites
- 3 Nephites
- More Isaiah (padding)
- Those 116 pages that BITCH Lucy Harris tossed into a fire
- Apology and General Disclaimer by the Author
- 1 Lamanites Suck
- 2 Lamanites Suck
- Suckanites are Lame
- 1 Llamas Rule
- Aslan greets Lucy and Peter with a lollipop
- A cheap cardboard bookmark
- Gratuitous Oscar Wilde Quotes
- 1 Mormonites
- Several lavish paintings of buffed masculine beefcake
- 2 Mormonites
- Jesus Christ Makes a Surprise Cameo Appearance
- Even more Isaiah (gratuitous filler)
- 5 Nephites (with Extra Gore and Carnage)
- Darth Vader says "Nephi, I am your father. And your mother. Probably also your cousin."
- Extracts from the Recently Unearthed Book of Jared
- The name of the Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, The Patriarchal Grip, or Sure Sign of the Nail
- The long-lost 19th Commandment (re: Masturbation)
- Yet even more Isaiah (specially airmailed from Babylonia)
- 6 to 11 Nephites (fragments only)
- Hyperlinked Index
- Blank page with a picture of a two stick figures holding hands and the words "Lucy and John Forever" drawn in pencil
- Black Back Cover
- A stickynote that says "return to library by Thursday"
- and a Partridge Family LP. Oops...I mean Osmonds.
Extracts from the Recently Unearthed Book of Jared
30 And it came to pass that when Coriantumr had leaned upon his sword, that he rested a little, he smote off the head of Shiz.
31 And Coriantumr proclaimed, Victory is mine.
32 And it came to pass that after he had smitten off the head of Shiz, that Shiz raised up on his feet and said unto Coriantumr, 'Tis but a scratch.
33 A scratch??? Your head's off!
34 No, it isn't.
35 What's that, then?
37 I've had worse. I took it in the pooper in the confession box
38 FOR SPARTA!
39 C'mon and fight, ya pansy!
40 I can't I am mormon, So now what, I have to whack off to your Arm?
42 Speaking of chicken, try the Subway roasted chicken sandwich. I did, and I have a 32 inch waist!
50 GOTO 10
- The phrase "And it came to pass" (Yiddish "Pasirn schmashirn") is used upwards of 5,000 times in the first chapter of the Book of Mormon, but rarely henceforth.
- The Book of Mormon has been recognized as one of the most effective cures for insomnia.
- Every printed edition of The Book of Mormon is copyrighted to "The Corporation of the President of the Corporation of The Church Corporation of Deseret First Property Financial Reserve Stock And Treasury Holdings of the Leaders of the Corporation of Jesus Smith".