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Truth-in-labeling activists complain that the BORDERS sign lacks the words Warning: lousy xenophobix murderers on crack.


B.O.R.D.E.R.S.(one of the few groups whose' abbrebiation stand for nothing) is a secret organization of highly regarded minute (as in short) men who patrol the border between Canada and the United States of America, and, in some cases, the border between New Mexico and Old Mexico. B.O.R.D.E.R.S. headquarters is located in Washington D.C. on a sidestreet just off Embassy Row. They have numerous outposts that have been established at most malls in the United States.

Founding Father: Short and Angry[edit]

B.O.R.D.E.R.S. was founded by the angry midget, I. M. Height-Challenged, who could not tolerate losing every job he wanted to immigrants from Canada. Every time I. M. interviewed for work, he was always bested by a taller Canadian. Eventually, I. M. could not stand the disappointment any longer and moved to the U.S.A.-Canada border to hunt illegal Canadians out of spite.

On the first night of his stakeout, I. M. shot a 225 pound illegal immigrant, a record catch. Amused by his own prowess, I. M. sliced the fingers off his kill and sold them to the nearest Wendy's. With his new source of income, he purchased a semi-automatic handgun and began a new Canadian-Hunting episode of his life.

Source of Income for B.O.R.D.E.R.S.

As the world population exploded, it seemed necessary for I. M. to invite some help. He returned to the same Wendy's and managed to convince a few chili-loving customers to assist in his endeavor. And so...B.O.R.D.E.R.S. was established.

The HQ[edit]

It is a cardboard box in which I.M. Hite Challinged dwelled in.

The Outposts[edit]

Every single B.O.R.D.E.R.S. outpost from Washington State to Maine is disguised as a book store in order to ward of Canadian-rights activists. Concealed behind the third urinial on the right in the mens bathroom is a secret staircase that leads to a secret room where one can find a secret door that lead down into a secret gallery to branches into a secret meeting room where the secret managers discuss secret plans with the secret members.

How to Gain Access to the Secret Meeting Room[edit]

In order to open this urnial, one must first enter the second stall and lower the toilet seat (because no sane man would ever do that, right?). Then the urinal flush must be pulled upward and then out. When one climbs the staircase, he must jump at every 3rd step (symbolizing the height in feet of the founder) in order to dodge the slicing axe which would ordinarily decapitate one's legs (also a cruel joke of the founder who was envious of all who were taller than him). At the secret room, the brick up 3 across 2 must be tapped by a magic wand made of holly and phoenix tail feathers. A secret door will appear and then one can step through it to the gallery. In the gallery, the secret meeting room can be found behind one of the 8,184,845,999,123,548,003.1415965 paintings on the wall (the correct painting is the one of I. M. Hite-Challinged).

The Secret Bookstore Under the Pseudo Bookstore[edit]

Inside every secret meeting room is a secret bookstore that supplies all the Canadian-Killing novels. Because the prices are outrageous, most members simply find a place to sit down and read, instead of paying for the actual book.

The Secret Weapon Factory[edit]

Next to the secret bookstore is a Handgun manufacturing plant. That is all.

How to Become a Member Now that You've Wised Up[edit]

Typical B.O.R.D.E.R.S. member waiting for the Canadians to come


  • Cannot be Canadian or have Canadian heritage.
  • Preferrably under 3 feet in height. Three feet and 1 inch is the absolute maximum.
  • Must hate Canadians.
  • Must have only visited Canada as a serial killer

Sign up at the nearest B.O.R.D.E.R.S.

Things that Will Get One Killed If Done While One is Member[edit]

  • Saying "Eh?"
  • Having a Canadian Flag that isn't for burning.
  • Hold a maple leaf.
  • Tasting maple syrup

The Hunts[edit]

The Hunts are held every alternate Thursday from 9:00 pm to 6:00 am from September to July. Since August is open season, Hunts are held 24 hours a day, 30 something days that month (Use the knuckle technique to find out excatly how many days). A good night is considered selling anywhere from 70 to 204 fingers. Due to the increasingly humane rogue faction of B.O.R.D.E.R.S., Canadians are now being captured and released after only a few fingers are sliced off. Canadians have regenerative powers, much like starfish, to regrow missing extremities caused by sport accidents like hockey and curling.

Recent Opposition[edit]

The C.R.A.P.O., Canadian Reservation Association Protection Organization, is dedicated to stopping the "inhumane" B.O.R.D.E.R.S. A militant-extremist group, C.R.A.P.O. employs gorilla warfare tactics in order to undermine hunts. The more peaceful members picket outside B.O.R.D.E.R.S. outposts with signs such as "THERES NO ORDER IN B.O.R.D.E.R.S." and "You've got expensive books that no one ever buys!" Due to increasing pressure, B.O.R.D.E.R.S. has suspended all future Hunts until further notice.

Unexpected Actions[edit]

Recently, B.O.R.D.E.R.S. has helped illegal immigrants crossing the U.S.A.-Mexico border, undermining all the efforts of the U.S. border patrol. When asked why they did such a thing, B.O.R.D.E.R.S. simply replied saying that tacos were the polar opposite to the Maple Leaf.

See also[edit]