Bored of the Rings
“Good... but not Great”
“Zoinks! MORE... MORE PIPEWEED!!!!”
“Swart... slit eyed...evil...more dressing.”
Bored of the Rings is an epic low fantasy toddler novel written by the English tramp J.K. Rowling. The story began as a sequel to Rowling's earlier fantasy book, The Teletubbies, but developed into a much larger story. It was written in stages between 1937 and 1949, with much of it being created while Rowling was bathing in the tub while watching Sesame Street. Although intended as a single-volume work, it was originally published in three volumes in 1954 and 1955, and it is in this three-volume form that it is popularly known. It has since been scrapped and reprinted numerous times; becoming one of the most notoriously atrocious works in 20th-century literature.
Bored of the Rings is set in the fictional region of Middle earth, which is populated by various humanoid races: Teletubbies, Smurves, bunnies, Jellabies, Dorcs, Gummibears and a Barney. The story centres on the Pacifier of Power made by the Dark Lord Saurus. Starting from quiet beginnings in the Liar, the story ranges across Middle-earth and follows the course of the Pacifieric War through the eyes of its characters, most notably the central protagonist Dodo Draggins. The main story is followed by six appendices that provide a wealth of historical and sarcastic background material.
It begins thousands of years before the action in the book, with the rise of the eponymous Bored of the Rings, the Dark Lord Saurus, a malevolent incarnated purple dinosaur possessed of great supernatural powers, later the ruler of the dreaded realm of Morebore. At the end of the First Age of Middle earth, Saurus survived the catastrophic defeat and exile of his master, the ultimate evil figure, Mickimus, and during the Second Age Saurus schemed to gain dominion over Middle-earth. In the guise of "Amachure" or Lord of noobs, he aided the Smurven-smiths of Lalalalalala in the forging of magical pacifiers (Dummies for you Brits) which conferred various powers and effects on their suckers. The most important of these were the nineteen Mouthpieces of Power or Great Rings.
He then secretly forged a Great Ring of his own, the One Pacifier, by which he planned to enslave the wearers of the other Rings of Power. This plan partly failed because the Smurves had too much narcotic mushrooms and lost their Rings. Saurus hurriedly sent his Dorcs to pick up the dummies lying here and there and picked up sixteen of the Rings of Power and distributed these to lords and kings of Jellabies and Teletubbies; these Rings were known as the Seven suckers and the Nine mouthpieces respectively. The Jellabie-lords proved too gelatinous and delicate to enslave, although their natural desire for wealth, especially royal jelly, increased; this brought more conflict between them and other races. The Teletubbies who possessed the Nine were slowly corrupted over time and eventually became the undead Thatscool or Teatwraiths, Saurus's most feared servants; Kathy, John, and other random immature suckers. Saurus failed to capture the remaining three mouthpieces, and so they remained in the possession of the Smurves. The war ended as Saurus sang the "I love you, you love me" song, a cloyingly sweet oral weapon, which broke the Smurves and the tubbies and forced them under Sarus' rule.
So began the Who-cares-exactly-how-much Age of Middle-earth dominated by the overwhelmingly disgusting love of Barney the tyrant reptile. However, Barney accidentally flung the ring into the River Undoing, while he was violently and fondly hugging his minions. It was then found by chance by a river tubbit named Beagle. Beagle took the ring which gave him a love so violently disgusting that he lost all forms of independence, and began to rely on the pacifier for warmth and comfort.
Rowling related the story of the seemingly accidental finding of the Ring by another telly- tubbit, Bimbo Draggins, who took it to his home, Brag End.
The tale related in The Tele-tubbies was written before The Lord of the Rings, and it was only later that the author developed Bilbo's magic Pacifier into the "One Ring". Neither Bilbo nor the gizzard Grandpap the Stray were aware at this point that Bilbo's magic ring was the One Ring, forged by the Dark Lord Saurus.
Book I in The Hello-ship of the Thing begins with Bimbo's hundred-and-eleventh monthday party, about 60 months after the end of The Telly-tubbies, and his subsequent disappearance using his magic sucker. Leaving to journey once more, he left many of his belongings, including the sucker,to his unlawful son Dodo Draggins.
After seventeen seconds of investigating, their old friend Grandpap the Stray revealed that the pacifier was in fact the One Purple Pacifier, the instrument of Saurus's power, for which the Dark Lord had been searching for most of the Third Age, and which corrupted others with desire for it and the power it held.
Saurus sent the Teatwraiths, in the guise of toddlers in pink nappies astride teddy
bears, to the Liar, Bimbo and Dodo's native land, in search of the Pacifier. Dodo escaped, with the help of his loyal cook Spammail "Spam" Gangrene and three close friends, Marriadog "Mary" Trendysocks and Pepper "Shaggy" Puke. Dodo and the others set off to take the Ring to the Smurven shantytown of Riverhell. They were aided by the enigmatic and very snooty anglophile Pom Dumbadil, and by a man called "Tripper", who was later revealed to be Argon (named for his inertness a.k.a stupidity), the heir to the kingships of Corndog and Darnall, two great realms founded by who-cares-what-bugger-did. Argon led the tubbits to Riverhell on Grandpap's request. However, Dodo was gravely wounded by the acid-baby-drool of the leader of the Teatwraiths at the hill of Weathercock. With the help of his companions and the Smurf-lord Goldfinger, Dodo managed to enter Riverhell's borders by crossing the Ford of the river Brewinghen. The Teatwraiths, in close pursuit, were swept away by chance when they entered the immense sewage from the city.
Book II in The Hello-ship of the Thing reveals that Dodo managed to recover under the care of the Half-smurf appropriately named lord Smellpond, master of Riverhell. Dodo met Bimbo, now living in retirement, and saw Smellpond's daughter Darwin, Argon's betrothed. Later, much of the story's exposition is given during a high council, attended by representatives of the major races of Middle-earth (Smurves, Jellabies, and teletubbies) and presided over by Smellpond. Grandpap told them of the emerging threat of Salaryman, the leader of the Order of Gizzards, who wanted the pacifier for himself. In order to fulfill an ancient prophecy about the return of the King of Corndog and Darnall, Argon was going to war against Saurus, armed with the royal earmuffs Stuffsear, that had been used by Easypoor to block off Saurus's "I love you" song in the great battle at the end of the prior age. The earmuffs had been kept safe in Riverhell through the intervening years, and was now reforged there and renamed Danderfill, meaning "Deafener of the less". After pondering several options, the Council decided that the only course of action that could save Middle-earth was to destroy the Ring by taking it to Morebore and casting it into Mt. Boom, where it was forged. Dodo volunteered for the task, and a "Fellaship of the Sucker" was formed to aid him. This consisted of Dodo, his three Hobbit companions, Granpap, ArgonBrontothere of Corndog, Nimby the Jellabie, and Legolegs the Smurf.
The company journeyed through plains and over mountains, and ultimately to the Mines of Boria, where they were followed by the wretched creature Goddamn (Beagle). Goddamn was once "of telly-tubbit-kind" but the Ring had corrupted him while he had possessed it, and Goddamn desperately sought to regain his "Delicious". When they were almost through the mines the party was attacked by Dorcs. Grandpap battled a Bedbug, an ancient demon creature from the Springs of Matresse, but slipped and fell into a deep chasm, vowing to return in the second book.
After the Fellowship travelled along the great River Undoing, Frodo decided to continue the trek to Morebore on his own, largely due to the Ring's growing influence on Brontothere; however, the faithful lover Spam insisted on going with him. At the end of the book, the Fellowship was attacked by dorcs and, during the confusion, Spam and Dodo made their escape. Unbeknownst to them, Brontothere was killed and Mary and Pepper were kidnapped by the orcs because their commander, the traitor Salaryman, had ordered them to capture the tubbits and huff them.
- Saurus ( real name: maiar Barney) : A purple malevolent incarnated tyrannosaur that taught at a Washington D.C.Kindergarten class before hypnotising the toddlers into becoming his nine most faithful minions and establishing his empire deep within the Earth: "Morebore". He lost his Pacifier and is currently looking for it, hiring well-known hoarder and bounty hunter 'Goddamn'(Beagle).
- Argon son of Arson: A mentally retarded teletubby with down syndrome, who likes smoking and sleeping in dirty places. Descended from the ancient Nomannorians of Nomannor, he is violent, unpredictable, uncivilised and brutal. Fortunately that doesn't stop him liking the smurf Darwin, daughter of Smellpond, who thinks that he is a bit on the primitive side and therefore attractive.
- Dodo Draggins: Staying true to the family tradition of naming themselves after extinct or endangered species, Dodo's name is hardly a surprise. He is unattractive, slow, fat and bit on the weak side. He gets addicted to the One Ring and sucks it for hours on end.
- Dildo Draggins: Let's not talk about him.
- Salaryman: the evil Japanese gizzard of Flysenlard, the local rubbish dump. Owns Grandpap until the Ants(talking legumes) attack him. Had his private Karaoke bar until Chagrin and Marriadog took over it.
- Brontothere son of Dinosaur: Bastard that nobody likes. He craves the Pacifier, and chases Dodo until he gets killed by Dorks. Gets only a few lines in the book.
- Harri-potti-Gaahn: the leader of the primitive Hogwosh tribe. Hates the bikers of Lohan because they like the colour green and silver(which makes them Slytherins). Gets on extremely well with Argon.
- Legolegs: ORLANDO BLOOM(what else do I have to say?) painted blue.
- Nimby "Not In My Back Yard" son of Noggin: extremely egocentric, ethnocentric, racist furball (see John Rhys-Davies) who hates muslims and does stupid things.Is actually not a midget.
- Goldfinger: smurvish crimelord who almost pawned Dodo and his ring for a box of Pipeweed
The evil creatures
- Saladrim- A group of teletubbies who have dark skin- which makes them evil like Dipsy, who also has dark skin, by the way. They ride around on cool teletubby vacuum cleaners (noonakil)and shoot opposing beings with slingshots. They are rom the south- where all the legumes grow- hence the name "Salad" for the realms in their parts. Technologically more advanced than pitiful Corndoggians with firebombs and suicide bombers, which always come hand in hand with dark skin.
- Dorcs - The dispensable, one-time-use minions of Saurus, really smurves hypnotised by his I-love-you rubbish and reduced to stand-ins. VERY smart, by the way, but very VERY weak, which makes them very easy to kill off even for idiots like Argon.
- Easterlings - The "sentient, devious, sapient" balls of fur from the "East" (i.e. Asia)... which makes them evil, evil, evil. The word 'easterling' is likely an abbreviation of the word "Easterbunnies", who have built the most powerful empire on Middle earth, Bhûn. They call themselves the Bhûnni, or Bunny, and the name stuck with people today. These rabbits worship the sun deity "Frith" and like to spend time tearing each other's ears, battling each other, and making marks on each other's bodies(see "watership down"). They also enjoy painting easter eggs and ride on the backs of chickens.
- Teatwraiths - The nappied baby minions of the dark lord, having received the nine pacifiers from him, and crave powdered milk at all times. They were the original "Barney and the Backyard Gang" members whose names are: Kathy, John, Teddy, Kathy, John.... uh... never mind. People cower in fear as they sweep across the plains, drooling all over the place and wailing non stop. Had teddy bears as steeds in the first movie but stuck with riding on winged cots.
- Schlobbe (Charlotte) - Is a bloody huge grey spider who craves 'meat' at all time (except pork- which she abstains from in honour of her piggy friend Wilbur). She lives in a barn in the Mashed Mountains but gets squashed by a giant piece of newspaper wielded by the big orange cat-deity maiar, Garfield.
- Bedbug' - The giant mutant dust mite that Grandpap raised under his bed when in boarding school. After the 'lives of 300 men' it grew humungous and he had to send it away to the Musty Mountains. When the Fellaship was in Boria however, he had to put it down (literally) or it would have "passed"(i.e. on the carpet).
The good creatures
- Smurves - the sissy, eusocial, blue skinned, oversized fairies that live in oversized mushrooms. Actually, their skin is pink (which makes them good) but they smear blue paint all over it, and are called "pictsies" because of that. The king and queen are the only breeding pair in a colony, but the queen is usually more powerful, unless there isn't one, in which case the King will take power (see Lord Smellpond). The rest are all male workers that look the same and wear pure white caps distinctive of their low caste. The King wears a Red cap, and the Queen wears a flowery dress.Smurves have a thing for squiggly things, as in their writing and their decorations. They are the sissiest, most bigoted, most snotty race in Middle Earth.
- Jellabies- The little known, gelatinous race from the Antipodes, jellabies spend all their miserable lives pointlessly searching for gelatin in mines thousands of metres deep. They all have bushy beards, though God knows why. Contrary to popular belief, jellabie women don't have beards- they have hair everywhere on their body, making outsiders mistake them for puffballs or tennis balls.
- Gizzards(Blistari) - Old men who like to cook- not just food but all sorts of things including trouble, ridiculously convoluted plots, trouble, ridiculous problems that they for some reason do not use magic to solve even if they could. They make their living by performing cheap magic tricks and peddling cheap Tubbit pipeweed all over Middle Earth.